Editor’s Note: During the last few elections, some Republicans have insinuated that the terrorists would prefer that we elect Democrats, ostensibly because the militants are more afraid of the Bush administration than they would be of a bunch of limp-wristed liberals. In fact, the  really vile conservatives (i.e., Dick Cheney) have done more than just insinuate it. Given the way W has screwed up U.S. foreign policy since 9/11, I have my doubts about this allegation, and I think al-Qaida is probably pleased with Mr. Bush’s performance in the War on Terror thus far, particularly his invasion of Iraq.

An Open Letter to the RNC

Re: Greetings From Waziristan

It is with great interest that we here in al-Qaida headquarters note your upcoming presidential campaign. Despite our revulsion for democracy — and our deeper horror that a woman could vie for a position of leadership — we wish to add our prayers to those of your own fundamentalists that this election will turn out as blessedly as did your 2000 and 2004 contests.

Enclosed find a contribution we hope the Republican National Committee can put to good use. We find ourselves, as you infidels put it, “flush with cash,” as funding from our Wahhabi supporters in Saudi Arabia is ever more bountiful. During the past few years, soaring oil prices have helped our cause throughout the Caliphate, and we thank American consumers and oil companies for filling Saudi coffers and, in turn, ours so generously.

If Allah had wanted mankind to burn something other than oil, he wouldn’t have placed so much of it beneath the lands of his true believers. Please continue to do His work by discouraging conservation and undermining the heresy of global warming. We too are suspicious of science. In truth, we are wary of anything with the stink of modernity, as if those things unmentioned in the Q’uran could be of importance.

We fundamentalists need to stick together. We look forward to the triumph of a member of your party’s fundamentalist wing in 2008. Allah forbid that secular-progressives (that’s right, we enjoy “The O’Reilly Factor” here in Waziristan too) poison the minds of children with godless tales of evolution and stem cells. We would never permit such blasphemies to infect the students in our madrassas. Although my official endorsement would be unlikely to improve your chances with the electorate, we do extend our best wishes for four more years of conservative rule. Feel free to use our contribution to air advertisements (on Fox News, of course) claiming that al-Qaida is praying for a Democratic victory. It is an untruth, of course, but, as we’ve learned from leaders like your Mr. Cheney, all is fair in politics and war.

I trust you enjoyed my most-recent video. Feel free to use it to scare the hell out of your sheep and put them back on track to voting properly. However, you would be wise not to emphasize the obvious — that I’m still here making videos, six years after your president vowed to get me.

You should be crusading to do away that section of your unholy Constitution that prevents your president (peace be upon him) from serving a third term. Surprisingly, I didn’t always feel this way: For a moment, when Mr. Bush stood atop the holy rubble we created in New York City (praise be to Allah), we worried he might actually come after us with the resolve he proclaimed.

Blessedly, Mr. Bush has largely lost interest in us since the fall of the Taliban. And it goes without saying we are grateful he has chosen to mire his heathen army in Iraq, allowing me to operate so freely here on the Pakistani border. Thanks be to Mr. Bush for opening up that additional front for us in Iraq. Where once Saddam had kept Iraq off limits to us, it is now a paradise for radicalism in the region. Perhaps, someday we’ll get our hands on its oil, and we won’t need to depend so heavily on wealthy Saudis, whose death we would welcome anyway. Besides, we never really liked Saddam, or those sons of his, with their drinking and whoring around. Thank you for spending $500 billion to rid Iraq of him, his heathen family and those secular Ba’athists.

The Baghdad occupation has been a wonderful recruiting tool for Jihad, enabling us to form a quite successful and enthusiastic “al-Qaida in Iraq” franchise, where none existed before. And as Mr. Rumsfeld (may Allah bless him) so accurately speculated, a Western occupation force in the heart of the Muslim world is creating more committed holy warriors than you will ever be able to kill.

We understand you are also considering an invasion of Iran. And we have heard that Mr. Bush does not know the difference between Sunnis and Shi’ites. Let me clarify this for him: We are Sunnis. The Iranians are Shi’ites (may their heresies damn them to hell). And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. An American army in Iran … I like the sound of that … “al-Qaida in Iran” … that sounds even better still.

The meaning of Jihad is “struggle,” and its goal is more than just the killing of infidels (blessed though that be). Jihadism is also the spiritual struggle to convert you to our way of thinking, and to make you more like us. Our greatest fear was that, by attacking your country so decisively on September 11, we might have united your people in national resolve and made you cling more desperately to your liberal and degenerate Western values.

Thanks in no small measure to the efforts of your president and his blessed followers, we worried for no good reason.

Salaam.

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