In reply to your apology, FLAGPOLE October 27,1993, I did not realize that I was eligible to submit an explanation of Hydrogenation as you explicitly requested a "Smartypants Chemist". If the invitation was open to all you only had to say so. A less belligerent request might have elicited a response from a chemist but that is neither here nor there. The phrase "The addition of hydrogen molecules to oil in the presence of a catalyst" was intended as a definition of the subject under discussion not an explanation. As you say "It is in the dictionary for all to see" and as few dictionaries provide explanations of esoteric subjects this should have been a clue. My only intention was to correct the historical and etymological errors in your article.

The ""olla" gambit was a very good recovery. I like it. Olla is a Latin word for a pot. Olla podrida or rotten pot is a French and Spanish term for a stew derived from the Latin. It is common to drop the podrida when the context clearly indicates a stew as the subject. The meaning of olla has been extended to any assortment, medley or miscellany.

Since you feel I owe you an explanation of hydrogenation and you have apparently alienated all the chemists or do not number any among your readers I will provide one. Hydrogenation is fairly simple and is well within the capabilities of the FLAGPOLE staff. Your satirical definition ,"Just scoop up a big handful of hydrogen and slop it into a bucket of oil" , is very close. One bucket of oil and one bucket of hydrogen mixed well with a bucket of catalyst and voila, hydrogenated fat. A little heat and pressure accelerate the reaction. Catalysts may be purchased at the Catalyst Store in Whitehall. A detailed explanation after we cover a few details.

Susan White's "Reinventing the Car" Flagpole November 17, 1993, p5 was very interesting, but any automobile which depends on electricity generated by burning hydrocarbons or atomic energy is an exercise in mental masturbation. Every time electricity is drawn from the public power grid a giant smoke stack down the road belches a large cloud of noxious black smoke or a reactor somewhere generates a few more gallons of radioactive waste. The only solution is solar generated electricity or solar generated hydrogen. The by product of hydrogen combustion is water. I have never had any problem with water except for the few times someone ruined a perfectly good glass of whiskey by criminal dilution. Good Whiskey doesn't need water and water doesn't help bad whiskey.

The story of margarine would make a great action packed feature length film but Vincent Price's current unavailability creates a problem with the lead. I saw him as the ideal Evil Baron and Lipid Hydrogenator. Sally Kellerman would play the Wicked Countess. The Hydrogenation Laboratory be in the dungeon of their gloomy castle in Transylvania or Pennsylvania, whatever works. Jack Nickelson would be a Butter Baron with the traditional Black Bag filled with Butter Bucks the better to buy Congressmen or Congresspersons, as the case may be.

Senators Packwood and Kennedy would play themselves as would Jessica Hawn and Rita Jenrett. Matthew Greenia and the Flagpole staff would be the Crusaders fighting for Better Butter and an Unhydrogenated World. Nickelson, Packwood, Hawn and Jenrett would have a Candlelight Tom Jones eating orgy featuring a huge mound of Butter serving as a pedestal for a Callipygian Venus sculpted from Butter and hot, fresh from the oven Croissants, which are another story, liberally drenched with Butter which drips from their chins and runs down the cleavage of the ladies heaving bosoms.

Meanwhile Senator Kennedy and a pair of Bimbets de Jour perform the Butter scene from the Last Tango in Paris in the Senate cloakroom. I know there was only one Lady in the Last Tango Butter scene but as the Count said in One, Two, Three "today the six pack, tomorrow the twelve pack". The twelve pack is here. Come to think of it, we need to work in the Table Dance scene from One, Two, Three..

Naturally these scenes would have to be shot in both American and European versions. Price and Kellerman would have the de rigueur nubile voluptuous ward to set up a conflict situation with Matthew and the Flagpole Crusaders. Does Matthew conquer and win both the maid and an unhydrogenated world? Does Matthew surrender to his lust and betray the Flagpole Crusaders and the Battle for Better Butter by joining the hydrogenators in order to win the maid and can he retain his self respect if he does so? Does Matthew lose both the maid and the Battle for Better Butter and if so can he survive broken hearted in a hydrogenated world?

I think we should only raise these questions and not resolve them in order to build up suspense for the sequel. Perhaps we could work around Vincent by using a look-a-like in long shots, back shots and wearing face protection while Kellerman diverts attention with a dazzling array of ever more revealing Wicked Countess costumes. We could have either Fabio or Topaz play Matthew and the other could be the Wicked Countess' Driver.

The Hydrogenation Laboratory could be located deep within Mount St. Helens and the May 18, 1980, explosion would be an accident resulting from an attempt to tap the earth's primal fires to power a SUPER HYDROGENATOR.

Vincent would apparently be destroyed in the explosion but we could later have him escape in a submarine through an underground waterway connecting the mountain with the sea if necessary for a sequel.

I see the climatic scene as a series of cuts back and forth among the Eating Orgy, the SUPER HYDROGENATOR, Kennedy in the Senate cloakroom and Matthew attempting to stop the inevitable destruction of the mountain accompanied by Vincent's nubile ward.

The tension would be driven by the music. Starting with the Flight of the Bumblebee we would pick up the pace with the Hungarian Sabre Dance and ease into a frenzied rendition of the Return from the William Tell Overture, all scored for Gypsy Violins and Bass Saxophone. As the tempo increases the Ladies eyes glaze over and their lids flush. Perspiration mingles with the Butter rivulets between their breasts as their faces flush.

Vincent and Kellerman Redline the SUPER HYDROGENATOR. Shots of the gauges show the needles in the danger zone. Tesla coils flicker eerily in the background. The warning sirens wail and as the music and tension reach a peak the Mountain Blows. Red Flames fill the screen!!!! Coming soon at your Favorite Theater; SON of HYDROGENATOR..

A prequel could be based on a similar explanation of the June 30, 1908, Tunguska Fireball in Siberia. Vincent's father would be working on the SUPER HYDROGENATOR and his notes would be sent to safety with only moments to spare before the explosion. Was it mere coincidence that commercial hydrogenation became a reality in 1908? I think not.

The simplest explanation of catalytic action is the destruction of the ozone layer by fluorocarbons. A fluorocarbon is a compound in which the hydrogen has been replaced by fluorine. Hydrogen out. Fluorine in. Oxygen atoms generally go through life in pairs, happily arm in arm until some out side force intervenes. Electrical arches especially lightning strikes, agitate oxygen atoms and molecules and create a three atom oxygen molecule called ozone.

Ozone is useful as it forms a blanket around the earth and provides protection from harmful radiation. Fluorocarbons have very little use for each other but they like oxygen atoms although they can only handle one oxygen atom at a time. They can't overcome the mutual attraction of two oxygen atoms but three oxygen atoms are not as happy as two. Two's company and three's a crowd.

So when a cruising Zoot Suited fluorocarbon encounters an ozone molecule the oxygen atoms run around in circles crying "Please Mr. Custer don't take me". Two of the oxygen atoms gang up on the third and throw it to the fluorocarbon and then cling to each other for dear life. The fluorocarbon then swaggers down the boulevard with one arm around the trembling oxygen atom and swinging it's chain with the other until it encounters another fluorocarbon with a captive oxygen atom. The oxygen atoms grab onto each and because their hearts are pure their strength is as the strength of ten.

The fluorocarbons will not cooperate with each other and are no match for a two atom oxygen molecule. The fluorocarbons flee in defeat and go back on the prowl for ozone molecules. This is catalytic action. The two fluorocarbon molecules have destroyed two ozone molecules, created three oxygen molecules and are now searching for more ozone molecules.

A similar catalytic action occurs in your stomach. You go out on the Town and scarf down a couple of Pizzas and a dozen or so Burritos and Tacos washed down with a pitcher or two of Beer. You now have a six inch thick layer of grease floating on top of the water based digestive juices in your stomach.

No matter which way you toss and turn the grease floats on top. Water and grease will not mix. However, the grease triggers the secretion of Bile Acid, of which you seem to have an excess. Bile Acid is an emulsifier similar to laundry detergent and can disperse and stabilize fats in a watery solution. Each Bile Acid molecule grabs a fat molecule with one hand and a water molecule with the other and drags the screaming fat molecule down into the Stygian depths of the stomach where it is devoured by the Piranha Enzymes. These enzymes are catalysts. They disassemble and reassemble molecules but are themselves unchanged in the process.

Now back to hydrogenation. We need:

1 Oil
Cold pressing oil is a given so lets just purchase some at the grocery store and say we pressed it.

2 Catalysts:

a. Iron filings.
b. Finely divided nickel.
3 Charcoal or coke, the stuff made from coal not the other kind.
4 Various reaction chambers.

The iron filings may be obtained by purchasing some DETROIT IRON from your local recycling yard. Some cast iron engine blocks and heads will do nicely. Stop off at the car wash on the way back and degrease them. Next pick up a dozen or so mill bastards at the hardware store. Collect all the magnets you can to control the iron filings.

The Flagpole staff can then sit around filing on the engine blocks or you can announce that the Flagpole is sponsoring an Iron Folk Art Object or a Folk Art Iron Object. You then make the engine blocks available at various clubs, charge a buck to use a file for say fifteen minutes, collect the filings with a magnet and donate the proceeds to either your favorite charity or the beer fund. When you have collected five gallons or so you are ready.

Nickel is a little more difficult. You could either tumble some nickels in a glass bottle with industrial grade diamonds or purchase some at the catalyst store.

Reaction vessels can be constructed from standard iron piping of an appropriate schedule . Say schedule 40 to schedule 90. We will check the pressure ratings when the time comes.

a. The iron filings strip the oxygen from the steam leaving hydrogen which can be collected and stored in balloons, old water beds or air mattresses.
b. The iron filings are now ferric oxide otherwise known as rust. It may either be replaced or recovered by the water gas shift reaction.

a. The oxygen in the steam combines with carbon in the charcoal.
b. The resulting gas is a mixture of hydrogen, carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide.
c. Wash the carbon dioxide out by bubbling through water or a keg of stale beer.
d. The resulting gas is a mixture of hydrogen and carbon monoxide. e. Pass this gas over the iron oxide.
f. The carbon monoxide strips the oxygen from the iron oxide leaving clean iron. The resulting gas is a mixture of hydrogen and carbon dioxide.
g. Wash the gas by bubbling through either water, stale beer or flat cola.
h. The resulting gas should be pure hydrogen.

STORE AS BEFORE

Actually you could generate hydrogen with two passes over the charcoal and washing after each pass to scrub the carbon dioxide out but then you would miss all the fun of creating an Iron Art Object. You could scrub the gas with some cheap wine and make Flagpole Champagne. Hydrogen can also be generated by soaking empty aluminum beer cans in a solution of water and sodium hydroxide. Be sure to use glass or iron containers for this purpose. Sodium hydroxide is available at most grocery stores.

Catalysis are more of an art than a science and very few have been predicted. The Thomas Edison method of trying everything and using whatever works has proved the most fruitful. Edison performed over three thousand experiments during his search for a light bulb filament. He even plucked a hair from the beard of a visitor and tried it.

The current view or at least the view generally accepted the last time I looked into the matter, the theoretical and theological nature of catalytic action having about as much interest to myself as the old question concerning the number of Angels that can dance on the head of a pin, is that the catalyst, at least in heterogeneous hydrogenation, participates in a series of actual chemical reactions. It is believed that most if not all vitamins and hormones are catalysts.

Enzymes are important naturally occurring catalysts and include the amylolytic enzymes a- and b-amylase without which it would be difficult if not impossible to brew Beer or at least Beer as we know it. Without Beer there would be neither subject matter nor inspiration for the Flagpole staff. Jeezomentry Matthew I was under the impression you people had a patent on the subject of Beer or do you just talk about it?