September 28, 1999

Don't laugh... I'm taking a correspondence course in interior design. I had been wanting to take classes, but they can be really expensive and I didn't really have time for "real" classes, anyway. So I came across a reputable university who just happens to also offer an interior design program via correspondence. Anyway, today I got pack number 2, including a complete drafting kit. Color me excited... I wish I could be making a living off of this. Imagine... work being *fun.* Didn't think it possible.

In my very first entry I mentioned my grandfather's passing. Of course it has affected me very deeply and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I mourn the loss quietly to myself, rarely talking to anyone about it, rarely showing the emotions to anyone but myself. Partly because I want to remain strong, or at least look as if I'm strong with the hopes of fooling myself into believing I really am. Partly because I've never been one to make myself vulnerable by being an outwardly emotional person. It's ironic, because I *am* an emotional person... I mean, I take everything to heart. The words "don't take it personally" seem ludicrous to me because to me, everything is personal. I'm the kind of person charming salespeople love because if they are nice to me, I don't have the heart to say no to them.

The reason I tell you all this... well, there's two reasons. First, there's the mourning thing. I've explained how I'm dealing with all of this. Maybe not as well as I should, but it's my way. What's bothering me is the fact that there are those who are criticizing me for not helping *them* with their mourning. I mean, what am I supposed to do? My mother, for example, has selected to go to a survivors group. They have told her she needs to stop taking care of others and begin the healing process by taking better care of herself. That's fine. I'm all for it. If that is what she needs to do and hear to help feel better, more power to her. My grandmother is coping in her own way, too. I'm not sure what that is... I think she's just trying to adjust to being alone again. They'd been together for over 50 years, and she was not accustomed to doing many of the things that have now been dropped in her lap. But she's dealing. Part of my healing process was avoiding going to their house. It's still very difficult to go into their living room and see his chair sitting there, empty. It's difficult to see the items around the house that he collected throughout the years. I've tried to overcome this particular part of it, for my grandmother's sake, but sometimes it's just difficult seeing her. I want to do more for her, and I want to do more for my mother, but I can't even do anything for myself in this area. Of course this makes my mom resentful and "disappointed" that I'm not helping more.

The second reason I mentioned all of this... it's something completely different. Well, maybe not. It still deals with loss. I had this friend in high school. We were the best of friends. Practically sisters. Something happened, I'm not sure what exactly, but we're no longer in contact. When I have bumped into her she is always friendly, tells me to drop her a line, but when I do, she's distant, if not totally cold. I found her e-mail address in a search the other day, her response to my hello was far less that enthusiastic, to say the least. I know people grow apart. I know people very rarely stay friends forever, but I'd really just like an answer as to what the hell happened. I hate feeling like I did something wrong, but no one is willing to tell me exactly what it was.

Story of my life.

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