#1 - How To Tell Whether You've Evolved From Nerd To Geek:

     If You've...
Traded your phone line for a T-3 connection...
Skipped your grandmother's funeral for a Computer Show...
Missed your graduation (or wedding) testing out the latest Power Toy for Win95...
Forsaken RL for IRC...
Changed your car's license plates to your email address...
Had your URL tattooed on your upper arm...
Moved your computer and refridgerator beside your bed so that you don't have to get up to telecommute...
Decided that your Might & Magic team are the best friends you've ever had...
Traded your fish tank for a new screen saver...
Traded your cat or dog for new midi files...
Traded your spouse for a new operating system...
Traded your kids for a new hard drive...
Ever said, " Yes, format C:.....No! Wait! I didn't mean it...Oh, Hell!!!"...
Ever said, "I'll show you my processor if you'll show me yours"...
Told all of your friends to call after 2:00am ('cause that's when you sign off the 'net)...
Realized that you don't know your best friend's gender, because they have an androgynous nickname...
Realized that your friends can't call you after 2:00am, because they only exist on the 'net...
Sold large pieces of furniture to buy the latest over-drive processor...
Spent 34 hours programming an application that you later find in the $9.99 CD section...
Spent 3 hours getting all dressed up for a CU-SeeMe session...
Re-formatted your hard drive 3 times just to get comparative statistics on 3 disk-compression programs...
Made 11 of your 12 function keys "boss-keys" at work...
Decided that HAL in 2001 was the real hero...
Petitioned City Council to turn you street's name to "YourName@YourUrl.Com"...
     You Just Might be a Computer Geek!

#2 - Outward Signs of a Computer Geek:

Bleary eyes, stooped shoulders.
Powerful machine with the case continually off.
Desk littered with empty Coke bottles.
Brags constantly about his/her Mandelbrot generator.
Can only speak with a keyboard.
Knows more adjectives for an IO bus than for a member of the opposite sex.
Declines outings with friends to read UNIX & Java manuals.
Running more operating systems than he has hard disk partitions.
Has to get special phone rates to afford his modem connection charges.
Spotless computer, trashy enviroment.
Drool marks on computer advertisements.
Became a business to avoid sales tax at computer shows.
Became a corporation to depreciate hardware on taxes.

#3 - What Computer Geeks Say To Their Mates:

Before you, I was a PC without a power outlet.
Living with you is like virtual reality.
Let's interface our hardware.
I wish to uncompress you over *all* my disk space.
Oh little processor of my desire!
Be the hard drive of my dreams.
I want all of our functions to be read/write.
We can make beautiful .wav files together.
May we never have any bad CRC's.
I output gibberish as you tap my keypad.
Press any key to continue.
May our communication always be synchronous.
Don't worry, the first couple of times it's always Abort, Retry, Fail.
I'll always have cache for you.
Our LoveRoutines link perfectly.
Ever since I met you, I've been looping a recursive subroutine.
No kinky Windows stuff.
I think we should increase our bandwidth.
Every once and a while two numbers meet, link, and become forever binary.
Well, if that's how you feel, I guess it's time to upgrade.
Oh, you found out about my backups, didn't you?
Trust me, I'm user friendly.
Well, now you've gone and killed my process.
You can't exit yet, you still have stopped jobs!
Phone for you, I think it's your motherboard.

#4 - What Computer Geeks Say To Each Other:

When they say:          They mean:
bonding experience	StarCon Melee
early supper	4 am
real food	coke and pizza
entertainment	UNIX novices
second language	English
primary language	C++ or Pascal
dead language	Basic or Cobol
ancient history	Intel 8088
reasonable	expensive
cramped	1.6 Gig
semi-intelligent	Macintosh
artificial intelligence	users
god	Bill Gates
satan	Bill Gates (it's a love-hate relationship)
a virgin	un-networked PC
the promised land	MicroSoft Nashville
the badlands	MicroSoft Chicago
the Final Frontier	InterCon
roughing it	DOS; Win95 without PowerToys or Plus
god	Mr. Spock
satan	FOX network exec that cancelled VR-5
suicide	Win95 + Netware

Happy Geek Spotting!

Note: Some of these are mine, some are friends'. If you have additions, email me and I'll add them.

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This page was last updated on - Mar. 1997. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!"
Copyright © 1997 Lia Wolf-Gentry A member of