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A-- ALTERNATIVES Offer 2 alternatives. "You can watch TV without jumping on the couch, or we will have to turn off the TV." "You can talk to your family with nice words, or you will have to go to your room."
T-- TIME (Optional) When a child is very angry or agitated we may need to back off briefly and give them time to regain control. Say, "Think about what choice you want to make, and I'll talk to you about it in a minute."
S-- STICK with the consequence! Expect that they will be upset if you implement a negative consequence. Don't be influenced by crying or displays of anger, and do not respond angrily in return. The more neutral and matter-of-fact you can be, the better. Remember, without frustration there is no motivation to change.
If you do B, A, and T and they won't make a choice-- say, "I'm going to count to 3. You can make a choice before I get to 3, or I'll make a choice for you." Typically they will wait until you say 3, and you tell them the consequence, and then they'll say, "Okay, okay, I'll do it!" But at that point you have to follow through with the consequences. It may take a few-- or, for some children, a great many-- repetitions, before they stop trying to find a loophole!
If the child is extremely agitated, you may want to do some active listening after you state the BEHAVIOR, and before you give ALTERNATIVES. Let them rant and rave and get it out of their system. Let them know you hear what they're saying. Be accepting and non-judgemental. Then, when they calm down, proceed with giving two ALTERNATIVES.
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© 1999-2000, Ruth Donnelly, unless otherwise noted. Photo credit: Lenore Spitznagel