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Many children with behavior problems perceive adults' rules as irrelevant and non-meaningful. The rule doesn't matter; what matters is the CONSEQUENCE. (This may just be human nature-- look at how we drive the speed limit if we see a police car behind us!) The bottom line for these kids (and maybe all kids) is to know the consequence; to know how far they can go.
Parents often say, "My kids don't listen until I scream at them." That's because they know the scream always comes right before the consequence, so they don't need to listen until that point is reached. Mom says to the child, "Get your shoes on-- the school bus will be here!" He doesn't move. She tells him again and again. He still doesn't move. In his mind, no consequence is happening. He thinks, "As long as I can get to the shoes before she gets to me, everything's cool!" In addition to no real negative consequence occurring as a result of ignoring Mom, there might even be a positive consequence-- he gets to keep watching TV for a few more minutes.
The trick is to let them know what the consequence will be, and when it will occur, without having to scream or nag. This is discussed in detail in BATS: 4 Steps to Stopping Batty Behavior.
Conversation or argument is a popular way to postpone a negative consequence. As long as you are arguing or discussing, no consequence is happening!
When it comes to consequences, you have to choose something that is important to the child. If it is not important, there will be no reason to change. One teacher couldn't figure out why a student kept misbehaving in class. She was keeping him in from recess every day, but it wasn't working. It turned out that this little guy wasn't particularly wild about recess. It was cold out there, and there were some big kids who teased him. He was very happy to stay in the warm, safe classroom! Obviously, recess was not important to this child, so he had no motivation to change his behavior.
The consequence has to be important enough to the child that he will be frustrated by losing the privilege, failing to earn the reward, or whatever. Without this frustration there is no reason to change.
If school behavior is a problem, sometimes the school alone may not be able to come up with a consequence that's meaningful enough-- it is very important to have cooperation and communication between home and school. Parents know their child best, and parents are the ones with control over the TV, computer, and Nintendo, as well as having the final say in matters like movies, having friends over and going out for pizza.
When you do find a consequence that is meaningful to the child, you will soon know if the behavior is within his power to control. If he cannot control the behavior, see the Homeopathy, Nutrition, and Touch For Health pages for information on ways to correct imbalances and increase self-control. For ideas on positive consequences, see Contracts: A Positive Approach to Changing Behavior.
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© 1999-2000, Ruth Donnelly, unless otherwise noted.