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Behavior Management: More Hints and Strategies

1. Have high expectations, but try to have a low emotional investment in the result. Be a little detached. This is hard to do, but is very important.

2. Strive for structure and consistency in daily life. Use lists (with pictures for non-readers), a regular schedule, and a consistent routine for doing things.

3. Use an inanimate scapegoat. Blame it on the clock, the timer, the schedule, the rules, etc. ("The clock says it's time for bed," instead of "I say it's time for bed.") This sometimes makes things more objective and eliminates the personal struggle. It's hard to get into a power struggle with a clock.

   Years ago I had a professor who was an expert in behavior management. There was a child who was just unmanageable-- totally out-of-control. Nobody could do anything with this kid. Dr. Johnson was supposed to work with her and figure out a way to move her toward more socially acceptable behaviors. The first day she worked with the child, she took her into a therapy room and the child started to scream and tantrum. She screamed until the time was up; then when Dr. Johnson told her it was time to go, she smiled with satisfaction and stopped screaming. The second day started out the same way. She started tantrumming, and suddenly Dr. Johnson realized that the little girl thought she had the power to get out of the situation by screaming. She wasn't going to be able to work with her unless she could get the child to stop fighting her. So she opened the door a crack and yelled, "Somebody bring me a timer!" They did, and she set it. When it rang, she said, "Okay, time's up!" and took the kid back to her parents. It didn't take long for the child to learn that the session didn't end until the timer rang, and even she knew that a timer couldn't be influenced by screaming. So she stopped screaming, and they were able to make progress.

4. Use reverse psychology. This can be helpful with contrary children. Say, "I was going to ask you to do this, but... no, I don't think you're quite ready for this yet..." And the child who argues with everything you say, will say, "Yes, I am! I can TOO do that!" And you say doubtfully, "Well, okay, I guess you can try it..." and let them gleefully prove you wrong! Be careful who you use this with! Don't use it with a child who is depressed or has low self-esteem -- he will say, "Yeah, you're right, I probably can't do it!"

5. When a child's behavior is neutral or positive, try to be positive, enthusiastic, and encouraging.

   When a child is behaving negatively, try to be neutral and business-like, following through on pre-determined consequences and avoiding too much talk or emotion.

6. Stage an interruption. Sometimes we can sense that a child is getting irritated or worked up, and we know we need to do something to interrupt this or provide a distraction. Possible ways to do this include:

   • Find a reason for the child to move around
   • Ask him to help with a small job
   • Ask her to run an errand to a neighbor
   • Offer a drink of water or a snack
   • Get the child involved in a project
   • Put on some music to change the mood
   • Get out art materials and encourage him to draw or paint
   • Play with Play-Doh
   • Do deep breathing or visualization exercises together
   • Put her in the bathtub with some water toys
   • Challenge her to count to 100 or think of a word starting with each letter of the alphabet.

7. Many children with behavior problems are struggling academically as well. See Educational Approaches for ways to help.
   

8. Children with behavior problems are sometimes unaware of social skills that other kids pick up on automatically. Many of my students, for example, don't know that they are expected to look at an adult who is talking to them. I have to teach the specific skill of making eye contact with the teacher, and provide opportunities for them to practice this. Adults get infuriated when a child is looking everywhere but at them-- but often the child isn't trying to be annoying, he simply didn't know what the adult expected. Then when the adult gets irritated with them, they decide, "She's mean," or "He doesn't like me." Some social skills and conventions that kids may need to be taught include:

   • Understanding others' facial expressions
   • Using appropriate facial expressions
   • Looking at others while communicating
   • Using posture appropriate to the situation
   • Using an appropriate tone of voice and appropriate volume
   • Using people's names when speaking to them
   • Waiting for a break in the conversation before starting to talk
   • Asking for help appropriately
   • Responding to a greeting
   • Respecting personal space
   • Touching appropriately

   It's important to give children the benefit of the doubt-- it may be incompetence rather than non-compliance. We may need to provide direct instruction in some of these skills, because they may not learn them otherwise.

9. Anger Management - In Helping Kids Handle Anger, Pat Huggins discusses ways of teaching anger control techniques to children. Children can be taught to recognize the signs that they are getting angry, to stop, think, and make a "smart choice" about how to respond.

10. The book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan gives easy-to-follow techniques for managing behavior.

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    © 1999-2000, Ruth Donnelly, unless otherwise noted. Photo credit: Lenore Spitznagel