*Or just give it up and go have a beer! After all, if I haven't dealt with the issue here, it's probably not worth bothering about.
Dear Swami Krishnananda:
Several years ago I was dating a boy who I met on the subway. We were walking down the street and he asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat. I said sure but then he took me down the block to a pet store and told me to wait outside. I got nervous when I saw him heading for the hampster cages in the back, so I took off and never saw him again. Do you think I was cruel to him?
- Nervous in Chicago
Dear Nervous:
It depends on how your boyfriend took it. Some boys just can't enjoy rodent protein alone, and have to have the moral support of a loving woman. You should try to be patient next time.
Dear Swami Krishnananda:
I'm a sophomore at our local community college and I never have time to make a lunch in the morning. I always go to the cafeteria in the Student Union building and buy a sandwich out of the vending machines in the basement by the billiard tables. My friends all hang out there. But yesterday when I bit into my sandwich I tasted something kind of funny. When I took the bun apart I found a big piece of brown fur stuck to the meat. Just then my girl friend showed up and wanted to share my sandwich. She said it looked like hampster fur. Anyway I said no and she got really mad and said I was selfish. What should I have done?
- Worried
Dear Worried:
Don't worry, she'll get over it. You should have bought her another sandwich just like yours. I can understand why you might not want to share something special, but you need to be a good sport about things like that.
Dear Swami Krishnananda:
My girlfriend likes animals and when she invites me over for a date we always have to play with her hampsters and her cat. I don't like to handle them and sometimes the cat scratches me. She makes this funny noise when she coughs up hair balls that makes me worried that she's choking. How can I tell my girlfriend that I don't like animals without insulting her?
- Itchy in Philadelphia
Dear Itchy:
First of all, tell your girlfriend that she shouldn't be swallowing hampsters whole. The fur has caused several fatalities since this fad started. And tell her that she needs to take her cat to the vet and get its claws clipped. If you are polite but firm about it, I don't think there will be any problem.
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Dear Swami Krishnananda:
Me and my girlfriend like to go out in my pick-up and make out. We always go to the burger place out on the highway and get a bunch of burgers and root beer first. Last week I told her I was getting tired of burgers all the time and she said that was wimpy and what was I some kind of stupid veg-head? So I poured my root beer on her head and told her she better get home on her own. She hasn't called me all week. Do you think I should apologize?
- Greasy Fingers in Montana
Dear Greasy:
Lovers often have spats like this, but I don't think you need to tolerate verbal abuse. May be you need to think about this relationship more carefully. Try to find out if there's a Chinese restaurant in town. Failing that, buy her a copy of "Transition to Vegetarianism - 1001 Ways to Prepare Hampster Like It was Really Beef" by Yorki Wheeler; and borrow somebody's barbecue. You can always set it up on the tailgate of your pick-up. Break the hamburger habit. She'll love you for it. Eventually.