"Charade"

The afternoon light shines through his window
Barely cracked
I am crying
I have seen truths that were hidden from me
I have felt pain that was buried deep
I understand now
I am not who I was
Brutal, vicious, scornful
I am evil

I bear a false sheen
A radiance that is a lie
Nothing that beautiful could ever come from me
And it must have merely been a reflection of the Moon
That night
I was afraid of love
I am afraid still
It is a pure fire
And I fear burning

Has my past betrayed me so?
That I betray all those that love me
I condemn them and myself to pain
I cannot forgive this breach of trust
I cannot forgive myself
I wonder
If he
Can do so
For us

I would never request such a thing from him
Only pray for it with every breath in my body
Ah, but I am a fool
I ask for what I cannot give myself
I long for something that I have never known
All my false ideals
What have they come to?
At what cost have I sought them out
All for nothing

I thought I loved him purely
But I was a fool
How can one who has never perhaps truly known love
Love?
He tried to show me
I turned away
Afraid and alone within myself
Fleeing back to the safety of my black heart
Cracked just enough to let in light, and desire it

Oh my Goddess
Do you know what I have done?
Can I ever be forgiven
Will I ever be given the chance again?
Have I lost the truest love I have ever touched
Because of my self?
Can I ever go back again
Or if not
Find the same beauty

My soul is a child
Frightened and believing herself forever alone
She fears greatly
She clutches and tears
Lest she lose those she loves
And in the process
They flee
Not to harm
But to save themselves

I am not insane
I have never been insane
I see all too clearly
And I hide
I hide within this charade
It is safe
It is warm
It is myself
And I will never leave me.

				© 1998 Andrea K