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They're all around me, hammering away at me. No rest, no escape. No compassion or love can they spare for me or anyone else. Gotta be first! Gotta be the best! No room for the gentle of heart. Nice guys finish last. Lashing out with the whips of their hate and fear at anything or anyone who tries to be different. Anyone who is not a mirror image of their own view of physical perfection is a loser! Who cares how rotten the inside is as long as the outside looks good?
"Look at the sissy! He's crying! Are you gay? You're not a man. Fat boy, go on a diet. Get to the gym and work out until you drop. That's what you need! That will fix you right up. The hell with all this talk of love and spiritual growth. That's all garbage! Yeah, the women say they want that, but who gets the women fat boy; you or me? Who cares what they want? Do they care what you need? Are they there one minute after they get everything from you that they want? Be a man, and wise up!" That can't be right, can it? "Oh, don't get so upset! You have all these wonderful qualities. You're going to make some really lucky woman very happy. Oh, no! I, uh, I didn't mean me! No, no! Looks have nothing to do with it. I, uh, ummm ..... well, I wish my boyfriend was more like you. He is so unfeeling! He doesn't care about my feelings at all. Nothing I do is ever enough for him. Why, if I wasn't involved right now, man, would I come after you! Well, yes, actually I am thinking about breaking up with him. But, if I do, I just wouldn't be able to get involved with anyone again, ya know? But, if I ever changed my mind, why, I would want a guy just like you!" So, women do like the way I am? "No way, buddy! You're too needy! I need someone who will just want to have some fun once in a while and then respect my need for space the rest of the time. Besides, you're too emotional! I want a man who is strong and doesn't let anything bother him. You're too short too. Oh, and I don't like hairy men. I also don't have time for any man who makes less than six figures, and you better be able to dance. But hey, I'm worth it!" I can't stand any more. I have to get away! Down inside, deeper, and deeper; the world howling like wolves robbed of their prey. Deeper still, taking my pain with me, I fly away to the haven within. I push the world farther and farther away from me. Sobbing like a child, I break through. This is my place! Here I am safe. No one can get here but me. I can feel the smooth, hard, coldness of stone beneath me. I feel the warm, dry breeze gently caressing my body and the warmth of the sun on my skin. I hear the cry of the eagle and open my eyes to my refuge. High atop a mountain I sit with all the world spread out before me. The sky is a powder blue and there are small pink clouds in the distance. Below me is the desert in all it's beauty and austerity. No city, no power lines, no planes, no people. I can see words forming in the sky before me. They are for me. They are here because I need them. They are not for you, or you, or even you. They are mine, and mine alone because my need is so great. Slowly the words form as if from fairy dust and gold. "You are a child of God. You are loved. You have worth. You belong. You are special. Your soul is beautiful. You efforts are not in vain. Life has a purpose. You are necessary. You are not wrong; love is all. You are a man. I wait for you with love eternal. I care! It is ok to be different. Believe in you. You can!" I read the words over and over again. I add music to them and the stars sing them to me. They swirl through me and brand themselves upon my soul. I will stay here until I can carry them back with me; and when the world breaks my heart again, I will return here. Here, to my holy place. My place of healing. My refuge. © 1999 by D. Ron Mack Written 5/19/1999 |
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