was never outstanding at Math or Physics --we all know that-- nor one of Professor Estrada’s favorites at Philosophy class. But allow me to forward a formula or hypothesis: The degree to which one questions whether the possibility of a Super-woman is a truth or myth is in direct proportion to one’s level of "Working Mothers Guilt." In all the reunions we’ve been having through the years, and in my talks with colleagues, I have discovered that it’s all the same: we feel guilty about not being at work when we’re at home, and guilty about not being at home when we are at work!

I certainly have had to make peace with the internal turmoil that goes on inside me when having to rush out the door in my power suit late for an appointment, and right before jumping into the car having to glimpse at the longing look in my child’s eyes. Guilt has prevented me from fully enjoying whatever sense of exhilaration I feel at every juncture of professional accomplishment. And I realized that this is no way for me, or for any of us, to continue with the rest of our lives -- feeling "neither here nor there." Of wanting to relish every moment of being with our children, yet knowing that the very reason we also pursue employment outside the home is to be better able to provide them with material comforts. Of needing to assure them that we will be omnipresent, yet being able to hold up to them an independent, accomplished and confident role-model that is their MOM.

The source of this gnawing guilt has been our belief in the Sacrificial Mother as the sacred and only ideal – the image personified by most of our own mothers when we were growing up. A time when the world was simpler, husband-wife roles more defined, economy untouched by two-digit inflation, streets traffic and pollution-free, and, generally, the workplace less competitive. When technology did not provide a culture for "better, faster, quicker." When conjugal financial stability was not a shared compulsory responsibility with the husband, and women did not permeate the economic, political, and nearly all the spheres of life as they do today.

Many feel guilty when they do not measure up to an "outdated" mother ideal. Society has assumed that automatically your interests and the baby’s are identical and in synch. Most mothers are painfully aware that this is not entirely true, yet we believe that we are not supposed to feel these "selfish" desires. By force of tradition, culture, and personal upbringing, we were unconditionally taught to subordinate our life to our children’s. But some mothers may need the release one gets from going out, may have not yet quenched their thirst for learning and broadening experiences; may not have felt the attainment for self-actualization at home, but feel this being satisfied in the workplace. It may still shock many when I forward the proposal that replacing self-sacrificing motherhood with the self-nourishing variety does not necessarily lead to diminishing the importance of children in our lives. In fact, it is only when we are in touch with our real selves, and fulfilled as independent souls, that we can project authentic inner tranquility and credibly encourage our children to likewise seek out their own happy and peaceful place under the sun.

I am not saying that I do not admire women who are superb and efficient homemakers, who seem to have found supreme contentment and ultimate joy in immersing themselves in maternal concerns. Indeed, I in fact envy them. But, on the other hand, we have to recognize that not all women are made the same. We should not dismiss the careerwoman as selfish; nor curse her sense of self-entitlement, her good strategy in maintaining a balancing act, her willingness to hold her own versus the sacred mothering ideal.

I found an affirmation of this finding in my own introspective search for guilt appeasement in my own mother. She has always been in my mind’s eye, the personification of the sacrificial mother image - - a woman who has raised twelve children to adulthood and continues to take great pride in seeing most of them accomplished in their respective careers. She was a great homemaker who lovingly darned our socks, sewed clothes, cooked gustatory delights, baked cakes, and hovered around us with great concern when anyone got sick. She herself makes the observation that, definitely, times are different today, and recognizes the finance-driven need for mothers nowadays to work. My "children are my life" mother, furthermore, had constantly encouraged my sister to pursue her career as a lawyer, and continues to be my unflagging inspiration in my track as a corporate executive and more recently as a government servant. If this is not, in itself, a "license to fly," I don’t know what else is!

I opine not to block out this "guilt," but rather let it serve as a guide to figure out what works for us, and to likewise listen to our individual system of values. I feel that it is only when the dark clouds of doubt and guilt clear up and, our priorities become visible, that the water paths to family life, career, and personal growth can be charted.

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Summer, 1999

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