After watching for a few more minutes, we realized that CBS hadn't reduced itself to showing River Dance - the Olympics had begun. Once again, our deductive reasoning stepped in as we realized there was a distinct lack of women's (or should we say little girl's) gymnastics, and voila! We're watching the WINTER Games.Don't get us wrong, figure skating, hockey (men's and women's this year), skiing (a.k.a. the 24-hour Picabo Street report) and the luge (you know, tobaggoning for grown-ups) are intense and strenuous, and it looks as though the athletes take great satisfaction in them, but has anyone considered some events that would be fun to WATCH? Should somebody suggest this to the Olympic Committee? Sure, this year they've added snowboarding to give the games an "extreme" feel to it, but that's like, totally last year. We took it upon ourselves to redesign the Olympic Winter Games with some events that could be really "cutting edge." "Dude!"
Let's start with the biathalon. What could be more extreme than an event that combines skiing and shooting? The only problem we have with the current setup is that the two aspects are separate. When you're not skiing you're shooting, and when you're not shooting, you're skiing. OK, problem! We suggest that the Olympic Committee vote to integrate the two. Now THAT would provide for a competitive atmosphere.And how about the aforementioned figure skating? Tonya Harding was on to something. It would be much more enthralling if it were full-contact. In fact, let's make it so that all the competitors are on the ice at the same time. Kind of gives it a Battle Royale ambiance. Admit it, how many of you out there would like to see Nancy Kerrigan get cracked in the shin one more for good measure? Full-contact figure skating - THAT's a show.
Cross-country downhill nordic combined email luge! Now that's EXTREME!
Doubles luge is good. But hey, if they can fit two guys on a sled the size of a credit card, why not four? The more the merrier, right? Better yet, they should install jumps and loops on the luge track, and the guy who grabs the gold ring at the bottom gets another ride for free.Three-legged snow shoeing race. You know, like those fun times at the family outing. While we're on the picnic kick, how about a potato-sack race - on ice? Frozen water-balloon toss?
Ice fishing - distance and speed, need we say more?
OK! Now THAT's the Winter Olympic Games! Fun to watch, fun to do, fun to judge - an "extreme" time for everyone involved. Well, as long as we've rearranged the events, we might as well finish the whole shebang. Let's just forget about the glamour and pageantry of the closing ceremonies. Instead, after the games have concluded, there should be an outlet for the athletes to release the competitive fire that has built up over the previous two weeks. We propose a snowball fight. Imagine this situation: you're Hans Orkelmaier, the world-class short-track speed skater from Norway. A few feet (oops, this is international, we mean to say meters) away you see Dieter Linmanen, the German speed skater who bumped into you, costing you a spot on the podium, while he claims all the glory. Would anything feel better than to rifle a slushball straight at his schnoz? In fact, why not use a carefully aimed snowball to extinguish the torch? And, like that, it's gone.
Well, now that we've redesigned the Winter Olympic Games, what are we going to do for the Summer Olympic Games, Jeffy? Same thing we do for every Olympics Games, Monica - try to take over the world!
