Another Fine Day
Hello There Viewers!
Sassy and Goldie Your Opinionated Fiends er Friends Bring you
Live Via Inter-dimensional Web-cam Action
Direct From the Car Park Of Pontifical Studio!
JonaHexed is holding the Camera!
Sassy is doing the voice-over and Goldie’s on sound.
(Editor’s Interdimensional webcam is not compatible with our server.
You’ll have to rely on my narration and your imaginations!)
Here we are sashaying and rolling past the gate guard.
Notice the sensible way she takes us one sly one sideways glance and pretends she never saw us!
First let’s visit the friendly folk at the craft table who are preparing breakfast for various bleary eyed souls. Look at them smiling as they throw donuts at me, and JonaHexed.
Wow! What a pity you cant see this viewers! JonaHexed caught a donut in his mouth.
We can add performing seal to his never-ending list of amazing talents!
And look here’s a certain big chocolate-coated caramel not orange centered ex college football player sweetie growling and moaning as he picks up a coffee cup in one hand while glaring at the script he holds in another. Oh look it’s the Young Prince following him also moaning and he hasn’t even seen the script alterations yet!
Hello Boys! Big night out again?
“Aaargh Sassy and Goldie! Sorry we have to get to make-up”
Gosh! Who would have thought they could run so fast on only one cup of coffee and have the energy to scream “Lock the trailer door! Aaargh!”
Guess we helped them wake up?
What’s that Goldie? You think it was the friendly way you fluttered your eyelashes? They were probably overwhelmed by your incredible morning magnificence?
Yes you are mighty fine this morning. JonaHexed turn the camera to show everyone what Goldie’s wearing this morning. A Gold back to front baseball cap with a pink violet silk wrap around your shoulders and torso and a light dusting of glitter on your fins. Wow!
And while you’re moving show them my resplendent diamond collar.
Let’s proceed on our tour around the buildings and leave the crew and cast to their morning task of fighting over the donuts. Oh look people dressed in Freddy and Jason costumes chasing each other and running around the buildings and … no wait … the Freddy and Jason maybe not look-alikes are chasing not just each other but … yes!
Yes folks they’re gaining on Pugkept and Po’Boy and Daimonic! Wow look at those legs pumping!
Let’s follow until they have them cornered or stop for a break!
Some time later.
“Well folks the Junior Pros have locked themselves into the Writers’ Room!
We’re going to interview live Mr. Freddy and Mr. Jason while they pause
to sharpen their weaponry. It’s going to take even those experts a while to cut through titanium plated doors and work around and through alpha level force fields and the recently installed magical wards!
(Editor’s notes - probably installed after the events in Weird Science!
See last month’s report April Folly)
Of course it only takes me and Goldie about five minutes max since we have quantum tunneling devices.
“May I call you Freddy and Jason?
Gentlebeings why are you chasing the Junior Pros? Freddy?”
“We both have cyberlimbo access and subscribe to Scifi Wire and saw the news report about a Freddy versus Jason style battle of the villains and frankly we feel insulted!”
“Thank you Freddy! Jason your reasons?”
“Same as my esteemed colleague plus well we feel being linked even as a metaphor to your franchise is an insult. None of your villains could possibly match our levels of notoriety even if they have higher kill rates. We have more skill and weird plot twists …” “Jas don’t forget weaponry!” “Sure thing Freddy. You cant beat the simple North American horror techno-ambiance of a flamethrower or chainsaw!
Those Goullie thingies just have very blinking big font spaceships and general overkill.”
Readers an ominous cloud has suddenly covered the skies!
No it’s an pyramid battle craft and someone’s beaming down via ring device.
Viewers its Asepia in his fully restored glory in a magnificent black and gold armour with blood red gloves and boots and he’s not happy!”
He’s booming as he strides across the car park viewers!
“There can only be one supreme Goullie system lord and its not going to be that glorified sfx semisended cloakmeister or that outdated Western Asian deity who couldn’t even frighten a few demented prophets from a monotheistic Iron Age society.
I Asepia have returned to reclaim my rightful place!
Where do I sign the contract for Season Eight?”
“WOW What an awesome entry! Goldie stop swooning at his splendour!
You’ll drop the sound boom.
Some more time later.
Viewers, Asepia is now camping elegantly in the car park, under a silken canopy, surrounded by adoring fans, crew, and cast. He’s reclining on a lounger waiting for the Senior Pros to respond to his demands and being feed with grapes and caviar.
Goldie get away from that caviar tray! You have work to do.
“Asepia what will you do if you don’t get the villain gig for season eight
and it goes to a different villain?”
“Sassy good to see you again! I will destroy all my enemies amongst the System Lords and overcome any attempts to stop my return to power and dominion! Starting with those geekboy Junior pros! Then I will take prisoner those annoying fans who made jokes about me being camp and then I will take a new Queen and offer goddess-hood to the glorious Tauri female Spamela Reactor. O’Neill can be my new kennel boy. Spaniel Johnson will be forced to take a symbiote of low rank and work as a scribe copying decrees by hand for all of eternity and ….”
“We get the message Asepia!”
“Sire news from the Senior Pros!”
“They’re surrendering and wish to adore me in my fully restored glory?”
“NO they have announced who the other villain(s) will be for season eight.
It’s written on this piece of paper!”
“Them ! It! Those! Hehehe! Hohoho! My return to glory is assured!”
Gentle viewers having brought you not just one but three exclusive live interviews
we’re finishing for the day! Let’s hope we see Asepia in season eight!
“Er girls and JonaHexed?” “Yes scribal one?”
“What happpened to Freddy and Jason and the Junior Pros?”
“Oh we better go take a look”
A few minutes later – live from the Writers’ Room.
Freddy and Jason have Pugkept and the others cornered and are advancing very very slowly towards the Pros. The Junior Pros fell to the ground whimpering collectively,
“We’re sorry we’re very very sorry with sugar on top!”
Then a swarm of Replicatoys burst into the room and attack Freddy and Jason who flee!
The Replicatoys reformat into humanoid bodies. Their spokesperson steps forward, wearing a T-shirt with the Slogan “British but not Borg!”
“Where do we audition for season eight?”
Saved by Lego – Mechano hybrids!
Okay that’s enough intertextuality and pop culture references!
We’re leaving now! Please laugh!