APRIL FOLLY

 

 

“Weird Science”

Yes the title is a hint that you could be thinking about a certain 80’s pop song while reading!

 

Recently a certain PTB issued forth yet another set of answers to preset and edited questions.

There was one particularly inane remark, a statement that seems harmless but gentle readers consider this, should a producer / writer of an SF program, and lets remember SF stands for SCIENCE FICTION, really describe concept heavy episodes as that hard techy stuff?

Something they would rather avoid?

 

For what pray tell? Good writing? Which is? Let us consult greater minds then ours!

Gentle readers if any of you can acquire or borrow a copy of Quiller-Couch’s classic

“On the Art of Writing” please do so and go to p.25 in the chapter on The Practice of Writing.

He cited Quintilian, a master of Latin, (Aristotle and others say similar things) as stating that

appropriateness along with accuracy, perspicuity which other writers call clarity, and persuasiveness,

are qualities “necessary to good writing”.

 

Is anyone thinking “So what?” “Get on with the satire!” or “Who cares what some dead white male thought eighty years?” Consider what Strunk and White had to say somewhat more recently as this text may be more familiar and easier to acquire for North American readers. From their classic text, Elements of Style the following may be of interest: “Do not affect a breezy manner.” Then read their remarks about “unpardonable sins”.

 

Enough seriousness. Back to the adventures of Sassy and Goldie who certainly do not have much to

say since they take action and if anything hopefully draw attention away from their lowly scribe!

 

While I was laughing at the inane improprieties of a certain individual’s “style”, they snuck away

and well I’m told they were seen entering the Writers’ Room at a certain studio towing a children’s

wagon of science books.

 

I have no idea who tapped the phone to obtain the following transcripts. Possibly JonaHexed?

Hey this is fiction! These events probably didn’t occur in our universe but one closely and strangely

familiar to our own? Why if events like this regularly occurred in a certain studio maybe certain people

 might … nyah?

 

2:13 AM The Vietorius residence.

 

“Rabbie Rabbie send help we’re trapped in the Room!”

“Huh who the @#@$@# is ringing me … oh its you Pugkept What the @@#$$%!!!”

Whimpering Noises in background

“We’re trapped! They have the door blocked with science books and and…”

“Should I be afraid to ask who they are?”

Sobbing can heard in background along with a strange “arglegargleblat” noise

“Oh wait I recognize that unhuman voice produced by a throat that’s like an rubber flute!

And that unique blat nose! Who is she flapping with her tail fin to keep awake?

Sassy and Goldie read your answers to 20 questions didn’t they?”

More whimpering and evil high pitched Goullawk tittering

(Editorial Note: well it sounds evil to humans but I believe she was actually saying

“Oh come on wake up one more chapter of “Physics for Dummies” and we’ll let you have donuts!”

See why I have JonaHexed transcribe and translate – it’s to save what little is left of my sanity?!)

“They read that remark about hard techy stuff didn’t they? I warned you to edit that out!”

More whimpering and crying “It was meant as humor!”

“Look if you can ring me the purple stuff must be wearing off. Just climb over the pile of books!”

“What do you mean you can’t? Someone told me they only saw one wagonload towed in?”

“I see DEAD people! Yoda and Anakin and Frodo are sitting on the pile of books and Gandalf

is perched on my desk blowing smoke in my face! Vietorius? Vietorius? Are you there?”

“Sorry. Now I suppose Yoda and Frodo and Anakin, er which Anakin by the way, are all waving

swords and the smoke is purple? What’s that? There’s also a small black and silver dragon and a guy

 who looks like a Highland warrior wearing glasses called John using your computer to access the web

and download descriptions of cannons and robots. That’s all you have to worry about?

Oh Frodo is giving you a personal one to one lesson in historical linguistics! And you’re not a Tolkien fan?

You saw the movie but never read the book. The book? Er Pugkept you do know Tolkien wrote a trilogy.

No I’m not talking the DVD version!”

More whimpering and sobbing.

“NO Pugkept I will not ring security to rescue you!”

“NO not even if you give my your complete collection of First issues of comic books!”

“Pugkept just read the science books and do your homework! And if you get offered any blueberry

and purple stuff flavored donuts accept them! They’re great! Platycampus and I eat them all the time!”

(Editorial Note Donuts with purple stuff in them why those cunning foxy dudes!)

Then the Connection was cut.

 

We suggest a careful Rereading of the following:

Aristotle’s Rhetoric, large parts of Quintilian, Quiller-Couch on The Art of Writing

and ALL of Strunk & White!

 

 

And now for our second feature GIRL TALK

 

Starring Sassy an opinionated sentient dachshund, Goldie her Goullawk galpal and their interviewees,

those lovely, and intelligent, when scripting allows them to be so, blondes

Amazingly Graceful and Spamela Reactor!!!

 

Live from Amazing’s trailer!

 

“HI! Spam Hi Amazing! I brought us chocolates and a fresh batch of blueberry and purple stuff donuts!

“Hello Goldie we’ve got the champagne and fish stock bowl ready for Goldie!

And chocolate milk for you Sassy!

 

“Okay Everyone comfy? First question may be the worst?

Season Seven character “development” You seem to have acquired “Jackass” syndrome?

You’re intelligent one episode and suddenly emotional the next!?”

 

Spamela takes a deep breath and looks to Amazing for sisterly support and blushes before responding,

“Well someone pulled the same stunt on us AGAIN you know the Trust the PTBs and we’ll let you direct

or have more script input and we got so excited by prepping for that we forgot to check with the others

and before we knew what was going on …”

 

“We suspected as much now about Petey the Policeperson … how did he manage to survive to the end

of the season?”

Amazingly laughs and Spamela smirks and lets Amazing answer,

“Mmm someone whispered sweet mutterings into Petey’s ears and maybe also carefully picked a cop who would be just a little bit paranoid and have a well developed survival instinct!”

They smile in unison.

“Do you miss Nearly and Marshmallow though?”

 

Spam sighs deeply, “Of course it’s a shame they got written out and off but I’m finally getting some action.

A certain person had their chance to find loopholes in USAF regulations! I certainly left enough books and magazines on their desk but apparently, someone lets their clerk do all their in-tray, and is so lazy they only

read their mission briefings after the clerk’s gone over it with highlighter and added notes in the margins for

the difficult bits.”

 

“Have you ever considered Spaniel or Teal’c as an alternative?

 

“Spaniel yes well lovely shoulders but he’s too goofy and romantic and I’m not that keen on poetry and

then there was all that time he wasted mooning over Shasepia and then Ensnared plus the Young Prince’s

girlie would probably turn Amazing into cat food. Teal’c. Mmm chocolate covered Jaffa! …Oh well he

just respects me a bit too much …you know what I mean … like he loves me for my mind and spirit but

bed time well he likes girls who do things with spears and shaft weapons!”

 

Amazing and Spam look at each other and giggle and start to sing “Oh a Jaffa has two shaft weapons”

 

(Gentle Readers the female Jaffa version is even worse with lines about polishing serpents with …)

 

Just then the interview was interrupted by pounding on the door and enraged screams

 

“Where are they! I know they’re in there! Send out Sassy and Goldie!

 

“Wow what have you two done now?” asked Amazing.

 

“Whatever it is it wasn’t us! Or maybe it was. Unless its about the Junior Pros being found wandering

around the car park chanting science formulas and singing elvish hymns to the Star Queen. Let’s finish afternoon tea! And chocolate milk in my case.”

 

Gentle readers we understand that while the girls were chatting a certain Twoup ya1 and a Totallycooler showed up at the offices, yes Nearer to my heart and Marshmallow have returned from limbo!

Stay tuned until next month!

 

Watch Marshmallow and Nearer to my heart attack the forces of darkness with lawyers.

 

N.B. For those who don’t respect satire!

Sassy and Goldie’s legal services are performed by Woof, Rampant and Heartless!

Eternal, Infernal and Pandimensional Lawyers. Experience our new family friendly policy!

Yes folks we want your soul for our family! And we’re recruiting new staff right now!

Problems with sunlight? Being hounded by demon hunters? Join us! We respect diversity!

Woof Rampant and Heartless has a branch near you!