The Great Goullawk Break IN and OUT

A Memorial Satire / Fantasy Dedicated to Junior!

but first a disclaimer - it may not seem that way from the first couple of paragraphs but people this story is dedicated to healing rifts by giving you the opportunity for laughter - please read it ALL the way thru to the end ... certain people get to change their state of being ...

Our setting - a certain studio's offices in Vacant and Generic City in bootifool B.C. Certain individuals are working late. Well one is - the other one is standing around and looking bewildered. "Why are you changing all the posters and manuals and reference books?" asked Po'boy (formerly known as The Other M-boy - look up what a certain name means in Latin! Yes it's another silly pun) "It's time for a change" muttered Pugkept, eyes glimmering darkly and ominously as he lifted a pile of books out of a box. Then the phone rung. Pugkept answered it and begun to cackle badly ... yes badly ... not evilly. "Hahahahah there's been another doxie sighting that evil lil' female canid is trying to sneak into the storage area where we keep you know who and what!!! HAHAHA!" Pugkept AGAIN laughed badly and swept out of the room pausing only to sweep out a cape out of a box - a cape that looked like the one I'm a busy system lord wears. Po'boy walked over to the desk and looked at the books and pictures and posters with motivational mottos. The selection included - " How to turn partners into sidekicks." "Hire codependent enablers." "How to exploit your fan club" which was subtitled "Ignore the Commandments about Idolatry - You have the right to be worshipped - why should actors get all the attention?!" "Become a Great Producer Dumb Down today!" Worse of all was the photo - a group picture of various fictional and historical individuals standing under a banner labelled Villians and Megalomaniacs Con - 2002 - including Emperor Palpatine, Darkseid, Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Donald Rumsfeld (a man who smiles and says thats war in front of a camera while talking about "collateral damage" instead of speaking civilian casualties qualifies in my books!!!) and a lot of other politicians which was signed "Welcome to the Dark Side!" Po'boy gasped and wept. The rest of you dont start frothing and jumping up and down chanting "see evil hateful person!" read thru to the end ... unless you're lacking in the ability to appreciate irony and satirical twists you'll like the ending - I promise! and you've a brand new scapegoat!

Meanwhile Sassy and a friend had just used bolt-cutters on a certain lock and were dragging a welding rig with the torch set for cutting thru the doorway and into the shadows. Yes! Sassy has finally found someone with hands and an opposable thumb who knows how to use a welding torch and is willing to help her and has absolutely nothing to lose! Our guest hero is Jona ... nope not Jonas ... everyone give JonaHexed from Stargrope a big hand!!! Yes fresh from his appearance in " Spammed " and no cross dressing or makeup involved! - its young JonaHexed - eager to please and help! Possibly hexed by that EEK factor - EEK !!! Eager Enthusiatic and Keen! JonaHexed turned on the lights to reveal a large room full of shadows and a barred cage and two environmental tanks - one holding Junior and the other Goldie. Goldie's tank was on a raised platform. The room filled with echos as Goldie begun to squeal and burble in Goullawk - unfortunately the thick glass distorted what she was trying to say! The cage held a familiar figure - surrounded by sewing machines, patterns, cut-out pieces of clothes, and sketches for System Lord outfits. He sam them and screamed across the room "Kree Tauri Free Me!" Sassy answered "Why should we free you Asepia and arent you supposed to be dead?" "Please free me please " begged Asepia, "... you have to get me out of here ... I spent months digging my way out of the melted remnants of my space ship and then I was taken captive again and they're torturing me! They're using me as sweatshop labour as a consultant costume designer!! and they make me watch Tauri sitcoms!!! and they feed me junk food and its ruining my splendid manly figure !!!! and they made me wear non haut coture garments from Walmart!!!!! ... Free Me and you will be rewarded!" he shrieked

Sassy and JonaHexed looked at each other. "Well maybe after we liberate Junior and Goldie!" Asepia kept on muttering, "the pain ... the pain they made me take off all my makeup and ..." "JonaHexed just in case there's any booby traps look under Goldie's skateboard (which JonaHexed was carrying) there's a communications device taped to the bottom". Sassy begun sniffing around the room, "Strange someone must have been eating chocolate in here? I smell Darrell Lea Dark Chocolate but they make that in Australia?" Asepia took that as a cue to start babbling again "and that was one of the many forms of torture they subjected me to ... no chocolate yet one morning I woke up and could smell chocolate!" "JonaHexed I cant smell any booby traps you go and wake up Junior but dont let him out of his tank just unseal the top and revive him from stasis while I check up why Goldie's tank is on a podium." Sassy trotted over to the podium. There was a very convienent ramp. She run up and leapt onto the podium. Just as JonaHexed unsealed Junior's tank there was a loud "Plop!" followed by an "Aaargh!" JonaHexed started to run towards the tank only to bounce off an invisible forcefield and ALL the lights came on to reveal the person formerly known as Pugkept still laughing badly NOT evilly wearing a cape previously wore by I'm a busy system lord aka prince of darkness - no relation to Ozzie Osborne aka death bringer aka ... source of evil aka lottsa names. He was of course safely on the side of the force field curving across the room that gave him access to Goldie's tank. A strong odor of chocolate was rising from the podium. Our villian hit another switch that lowered the outer part of th epodium to reveal that Sassie was struggling to keep her head above NOT a tank or acid or water or strange mutagenic chemicals but a glass tank of liquid dark chocolate - toxic in large amounts to doxies! Okay this is a problem! Can JonaHexed save Sassie? and by the way our villian has just whipped out a large cutting knife that looks suitable for filleting aquatic lifefroms and is screaming "Sashimi Time! Who do I do first Junior or his great aunt!!! Hahahehahetehee!" He really needs to work on that laugh!?

JonaHexed was staring earnestly at the forcefield hoping another one of his mysteriously scripted powers would manifest. It wasnt working despite him giving it THE LOOK at full intensity. The Person formerly known as Pugkept was laughing wickedly while whetting a large filleting blade. Junior was screaming loudly for his Jaffa in Goullawk and Goldie was starting to get bruises from slamming herself into the sides of her tank trying to knock it off the podium. Asepia was babbling in the background, "Hello will someone please get me out of here? Please? I'll help and I promise to stop screaming KREE!?" Sassy was splashing loudly trying to climb up the sides of the pool but her efforts were causing more chocolate to soak into her fur pulling her down faster! JonaHexed tried kicking the forcefield and fell over backwards and then remembered the skate board. As the main villian went on whetting the blade and refining his evil laughter skills from constant practice (Buffy Verse joke - lets just say he sounded more like Andrew than Angelus and leave it at that) JonaHexed crawled over to the skate board. Just then Po'boy entered from a door on the Main Villian's side of the force field meandered over and asked "Pugkept what are you doing?" "Dont call me Pugkept" our villian roared in reply, " my true name is I'm a busy system lord! Source of Evil! Prince of Darkness!!!" "Well Ozzie and Julian willn't be happy about that ... er maybe not Julian since he finally escaped Charmed and I heard Cole's in therapy for his obsessional fan relationship with ..." "Stop babbling and worship my magnifence!" bellowed our Main Villain! while waving the door behind Po'boy slammed and locked with one wave of his hand. Po'boy didnt notice that and tugged at the Main Villian's cape. "Ouch" He cried, "that thing's alive!" The Main Villian chortled badly leaking clues. "Sure am!" He turned toward Goldie's tank rising the knife and started chanting "It's sashimi time!" Unheard in the background Asepia was muttering "Oh that's just so tasteless. Just no style! Really and people complained about my dialouge or lack thereof!"

JonaHexed started speed dialling. Fortunately our main villian had forgotten he had locked the tank down and had stopped to find the keys.
"Hello this is Honor Harrington's answering service. The admiral is on a well deserved vacation!"
"Paradise Island Call Centre! We're sorry to have to put you on hold but ..."
"Hello you have reached the JLA Satellite. We're all posing for a group portrait session with Alex Ross ..." "Hello this is Alex's Studio NO I can not give you anyone's addresses and I'm booked up for the next six months for portraits!"
"Please state which Wolfrider tribe whose assistance you require. Rayek is not available neither is Timmain and no you can not borrow the Palace."
"Q here or rather not here! or rather everywhere! I'm doing parenting therapy with Q Junior and we're over on the far side of the multiverse!"
"This is Deep Space Nine Ops center. If you are a sentient dachsie ... Yes we still havnt forgotten what you lot did the last time you were here ... and neither has the Temporal Bureau - return the Admiral's biscuits and leave Archer's beagle alone! and stop harassing Dr. Bashir! There is absolutely NOOO truth in the rumor he's part spaniel - he just has very soulful deep dark eyes !!!"
JonaHexed stopped and stared again at the forcefield manfully. Yes there was still no mysterious new powers manifesting and yes the Main Villian was still removing the top off Goldie's cage while laughing badly like he'd been taking lessons from Andrew of Sunnydale. There were two last addies left on the speed dial - marked "TARA" and "Uncle Gus". Meanwhile Po' boy had grabbed his former partner's shoulder. "Pugkept stop this! It is not dark comedy! You can't fillet Goldie and take that silly cape off!" He yanked off that cape and Pugkept blinked and looked at him. "What are we doing out in the warehouse? Why am I holding this knife?? Why is that cape becoming to life and rising off the floor to embrace both of us???"

"FOOLS" shrieked the cape as it flowed over them, "The Host is not I'm a busy system lord! I am! I am the source of all evil! I possessed Pugkept and I'll possess you! I also worked my way thru most of the production staff and cast and most of fandom and whoever wrote that weblog parody for Dreamwatch! I started the Daniel Wars! And I've infected other shows! I inspired the Cordie - Apocalypse Bitch plot line! I am the source of all evil and malicious gossip including those rumors about Spike and Xander! I inspired all those bad Enterprise scripts! I caused the cancellation of Crusade! NOW Start performing conspicious acts that violate the Commandments about IDOLATRY! Worship me ! NOW! AND FOREVER MORE or until the end of this story I AM DARK CAPER!!!" Unheard in his cage Asepia was snapping, "and people complained I was camp cos I had style and dress sense? Hey I worked hard at being an inspiring idol for millions of Jaffa and uuugh will you look at that guy capering sheeesh not another visual pun joke!" JonaHexed hit the speed dial button for TARA!

Strange lights appeared. A heavenly odour of lotuses filled the room and the background music sfx was Karma Chameoleon by Boy George and someone who looked like a young Asian girl in the latest trendy tokyo gear appeared. (What you were excepting another buffy verse joke?) I'm a busy system lord chortled as he ripped the cover of Goldie's habitat, "That's the best you can do - a boddhisattva ripoff!! HaHAHEEhehahee!!!" (theological note for non and less informed Buddhist readers - Tara as a young girl is a particularly mischievous manifestation of Kuanyin - boddhisattva of Compassion - given some of the tricks she's allegedly gotten up to over the centuries appearing as a Tokyo fashionista is quite possible - read Blofeld) Tara frowned and waved a hand at Junior's tank. It glowed for a second and dissolved leaving Junior levitating on a pogo stick a la Jinx style! "He's all yours Junior!" Junior valiantly pogo'ed across the room and tried to vault thru the force field but bounced off it! He wailed forlornly as the evil one used Pugkept's hands to pick up a struggling Goldie and Po'boy's hands to raise the filleting knife and sceamed in unison, "It's Sashimi time!"

Boys and Girls and Ladies and fans of all ages and species - do you believe Junior can fly? Do you believe Junior deserves a chance to prove he's not evil and that there should be a third option for the Goullawks apart from joining certain stuckup rebels or becoming a camp cartoonish steroetype alien warlord! "I do!" screamed Apophis (oops Asepia - must maybe respect those American copyright laws?), "Please save Junior! Please if I cant have my big confrontation scene with Daniel or Jack or OsNarl and Spaniel at least save my children! Please Tara! Help him!" A shriek and more frantic splashing came from the chocolate tank "and dont forget the poor drowning dog!!!"

Tara gently picked up Junior and breathed on him. Junior's fins begun to whirl as if they were helicopter blades and he rose into the air. Audience please chant I believe Goullawk can fly! I believe Junior deserved a chance to be a hero! He became a purple streak crossing the room at near light speed, a rainbow glowing projectile hitting the forcefield so hard it shattered and Po' Boy and Pugkept were thrown free of the evil embrace of Dark Caper! Junior then whirled over the chocolate forming a vortex that sucked all the evil toxic chocolate out of it and lifted Sassy out of the pool. JonaHexed sensibly rushed forward and poured a bucket of warm water provided by Tara over Sassy to wash off the last of the chocolate. But the story's not over yet!

Our valiant heroine Sassy the Sentient Doxie with the aid of her side-kick JonaHexed has unintentionally discoverd the SOURCE of ALL Evils besetting Fandom - and surprise its not just - as is so frequently speculated - the over-active egos of fans, moderators, prozine reporters, producers, or actors or other strange life-forms!!! No! We can now have an official scape-goat! Next time something goes wrong we can ALL blame it on DARK CAPER!!! back to the evil laughter as Dark Caper seeks a new host and is slowly approaching ... well crawling and squirming ... he's dropped the force shields but all the doors are still locked !!! ... he is a SFX! lacking a server ... and he's still squirming closer towards Sassie and JonaHexed and the others! Take a deep breath and get ready for more puns and other silly stuff!

Our story resumes. JonaHexed, Sassie, Goldie, the Boddhisattva Tara and Junior are trapped in a warehouse with the evil DARK CAPER and two junior producers. "Excuse Tara but we really need another dramatically convincing or at least comedic plot device please!" Tara smiled and held up a spherical object - her cintamani - wish granting jewel and shook it once. The shadows in one corner of the room grew darker and thicker. A cold wind rose carrying the scent of desert sands and strange spices and the piece of darkness sparkled as if it was a piece of night sky full of the kind of starlight that can only be seen nowadays in clear clean skies far from cities. A figure stepped thru the starlight. Imagine a hound with erect ears and beautiful dark blue gray almost black shining satin fur then place that head onto the shoulders of a body of Nubian ebony beauty - like the famous 19thc.Orientalist painting of the Nubian guard. "I am Anubis! Prince who guides and judges the dead. Who summons me to perform justice!" Dark Caper squeaked. JonaHexed looked confused. Tara smiled and Sassie barked in approval " OH lovely one REAL Egpytian god to confront a false god" The two junior producers squirmed in unison "There are real Egyptian gods?" "Yes and you should be consider yourself lucky you are not getting a visit from the REAL Osiris and Isis !" boomed Anubis, who raised his staff and pointed it at Apophis' (oops I did it again ASEPIA!!!)cage.

Meanwhile Dark Caper was edging closer and closer. And our cast was getting closer and closer to each other and the wall. Our villian was evilly cackling " Gonna get ya! One touch and ya a gonna be repossessed! Hehehehe!" Goldie and Junior were parked on JonaHexed's shouldes and head. Sassie was standing in front of him valiantly barking as Goldie and Junior hissed insults in HIGH GOULLAWK! Just as one shiny slick cape edge touched JonaHexed's toes and people were franticly looking for toeholds to climb up the wall tho Tara just kept smiling while hovering overhead Dark Caper was suddenly yanked away from them. Asepia stepped in front of them manfully armed and ready to defend them with weaponry. What weapons? Snip-snipety - snip! He used one hand to throw extra scissors and shears to JonaHexed and the Junior producers and in the other raised up - PINKING SHEARS - really truly MEGA HUGE ones! (and both hands were insulated from Dark Caper by chain mail Jaffa gloves - in case you were wondering?) Dark Caper squealed. Anubis quietly opened the door. Dark Caper squealed again. "Mercy! I'll go infect Enterprise again! Mercy Anything but the shears and scissors!" Asepia snipped ominously and grinned widely and wickedly. Suddenly the room was filled with the sound of scissors snipping in chorus! Snip snip snipety snip! "AAARGH" Bellowed Dark Caper as he fluttered out the door and into the car park followed by JonaHexed the Junior producers Sassie Asepia Goldie and Junior. Tara and Anubis smiled at each other and quietly faded elsewhere.

A tag scene - imagine the senior producers in a viewing room the next day looking at last night's security tapes. "That's interesting!" "I had no idea they could run that fast!" " Which one of them - the Gouallawk Queen Asepia the Doxie or the Junior Producers?" "All of them and Dark Caper!" Just then the tape shifted from a view of the exit from the studio showing certain persons chasing Dark Caper towards the highway to a larger than life size projection of Sassie and Goldie and Junior too! "Gentle beings and True Gentry Season Seven should now be safe from Evil Egotism but now its up to you to protect the show the cast the production crew and fandom. Goldie Junior and I are off to seek other adventures, possibly to visit the ST universe and right some wrongs there! Remember we can return at any time if needed!!!" The tape ended. And of course a moment of ideal silence was broken by cries of ... "Hey who made all this mess in the carpark ... it looks like bits of the missing cape costume?" And another scream. "Our costume slave ermmm consultant is missing!" And flying far overhead unseen by lowly humans our beloved Junior finally free to soar was hovering towing a sign saying "That's all folks!"

THE END and maybe even the end of the series? Though I can always do another one? Specially if Amazing doesnt get a good script to direct or her wish granted to have certain plot threads resolve? And bring back Junior! We are going to have a really good season seven ... aren't we boys??? Please???

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