working title MMM the Muses meet the M&M boys!!!
an parody of production for some show very very similar to SG1
Major silliness and snarliness!!! Mega satire and parody!!! Wierd fourth wall violations and reality cross overs!!! you were warned ... so dont complain! Any poetic exaggerations of certain people's alleged behaviour is for purpose of CORRECTIVE satire! Look if you're the sort of fan or pro who thinks satire is "MEEEAN" just dont bother reading any further? Finally I would like to state I have no idea what actually goes on at a certain studio but ... who knows... if the reality is even wierder than this feel please to submit gossip!
The following piece of fantasy fiction is a totally hypothetical look at what might have happened at a certain one day staff / story development conference held sometime in November/ December 2002 if the Nine Muses attended ... also note to reflect their real life status a certain person has received promotion to Imperial status - no Vietorius is NOT a typo for Victorius - look up Vietor in a Latin dictionary! I'm not being sycophantic ... its my way of saying thank you for letting MS write next season!!!
The Scene - a certain studio in a beautiful Canadan Generic city. It's the pre-xmas thank divinity we have a season seven writing and staff development conference! Pugkept and the other M-boy are waiting for the producers and other writers to arrive. A large stunt dude enters and bellows "All hail Imperator Faberius! All hail Imperator Vietorius!" "WHO?" they mutter. Emperors Faberius and Vietorius formerly known as Robertus the Normally Sensible and Silent enter in purple togas! They are followed by several older women. "Hey who let the fans in the room?" asks Pugkept! Imperator Faberius glares - "they're not fans they're.." Pugkept interrupts "Not more wannabe pro newbie writers sheeesh!" "Silence!" roar both co-ruling emperors! "These are the Ladies of Helicon and Parnassus here to run a staff development course so we can avoid the errrors of previous seasons. The other M-boy winces and nudges Pugkept, hissing "They're THE Muses!" Pugkept blinks "UH?" "OH those muses mmm but there's only six!" Imperator Faberius makes a proclamation. "Clio and Calliope are running a personal two to one inspirational session for Rocky "Capish grando SFX" Lucianus for his next "I can make a 42 minute episode have epic qualities action saga!" - they're reminding him to just remember to always put Jacob+Selmak and or Bractac in it!" Faberius takes an artistic pause and sighs,"Lucky dude!" Vietor adds "And Terpischore took one look at our stunt dudes practicing for next year and declared being the Muse of Dance includes physical movement and hence stunt routines." Muttered whisper from M-boys "So thats why there was some chick in lycra hanging out around them and on to them."
Thalli you're on first!" A plump full figured older woman in a short skirt steps forward. "Now about your alleged sense of humor...." "Who's this fat chick ?" whispers Pugkept to the other M-boy who snarls back "You're the one with the mythology collection - thaleia - with an aspirated t - taleia in ancient greek but fricative "th" in modern demotic and english! The muse of comedy botany green stuff ecology etc - the flowery one!" "Er your holiness?" askes the other M-boy would it be disrespectful to take notes?" Thaleia responds "Jot this down in B I I I G Leters - Remember the Rule of Threes - hey Erato (a woman wearing stylish but sexy yet romantic and not slutty outfit steps forward) - Erato and I have to have a VERY special talk with you about Carter's relationships! Like Martouf and Narim and Orlin - that's three - give the girl a break! Ditch the Black Widow gag!" "OH that "laughed Pugkept blithely "that..." The Muses glare at him. Imperator Vietor makes a statement "Boys their cousins are just outside the door - their cousins Meg Alex and Tessie?" The Other M-boy pales and mutter "THE FURIES!" (Megara Alecto Tisiphone)
Pugkept in a blatant attempt to divert attention from himself askes "Where's Daimonic Finagler?" On cue a speaker phone rings. "Guys guys help me! I'm trapped in the art department! There's this Giant Gouald Queen drooling over me ..." "well get the art department to help you" snaps Pugkept, "We've got out own problems over here!" Finagler screams "They're all too busy scanning and photographing and sketching her and Tobin Effect's feeding her sashimi and they used my credit card to order the sashimi! And she's trying to brain wash me telepathically to write a script about a heroic pacifist Gouald Queen who's healthy and sane with a glorious coat of golden scales. And when she's not doing that she keeps crooning ..poor lil'Junior ... And there's this funny little red haired sausage dog snickering at me! HELP!!!" Hypnotic Musical contralto hissing can be heard in the background until Vietor turns off the speaker phone and ponders out aloud "... wonder if a fish pond for a friendly Gouald would be cheaper than computer sfx?" Editor's note - oops she got out AGAIN! I forgot Sassy has access to more than one dimensional portal - check out Sassygate! The two Imperators look at each other "and that brings us to the importance of continuity - our next speaker is Ms. Polyhymnia Muse of History Scholarship and STORY CONTINUITY!" Polly steps forth and chants. "Check the details Read the full synopsis Update the Story Bible! Get it right and consistent! Or else!" "Or else what?" ask the M-boys in unison. "Well Erato and Thaleia have an idea for motivating you to come up with a new Rule of Three gag. Something about getting Carter in here to kiss you ... and you know what continuity demands happens ...THEN" The M-boys shudder.
Now it's time to introduce Ms. Euterpe Muse of Harmony Joy Ethics Music Courtliness also Reconciliation and Conflict Resolution. "Creative differences have been a little problem havent they? Remember Royard's Rule? The best idea wins - not whoever outargues or yells down the other twit at writer's meetings! and not long how you've been a writer or producer! Park your egos at the door! The next time you have a creative difference with ANY actor contact me and ALSO you better be good to AT when she directs!" One M-boy to the other "Sheesh SOME People are still irked by the Daniel Wars!"
Our Peniultimate speaker is Melpomene and our theme is ..."Format not formula" A red eyed snarling woman steps forth and snaps, "Do you have any idea how many millenia I've had to waste teaching humans the difference between the two - its NOT match the idea to the formula and insert whatever's an easy fit - its find the format that SUPPORTS the concept - OKAY." She stumps around the room in circles muttering "do you people have any ideas how many B A A A D spinoffs I've had to endure ... People analysing Homer and Euripides for the formula and NOT the DRAMA - DRAMA just means doing things! The Plot is Action ! And that doesnt mean copying concepts from other shows on the gorunds we can do them better. Being clever however skilfully may be amusing but its not true creativity!" "Boy is she stressed! mutters no one in particular .
Our final speaker is a heavenly lady - literally and literary! Lets hear a rousing welcome for Urania - Muse of Science Metaphsyics Astronomy Sf and the Internet. Even Pugkept blanches this time. A tall stately indivdual states forward. "Euterpe go and make Mel a good strong cup of tea please." Euterpe askes "Camomile or Green?" Mel replies, "Camomile and A Lapacho green and vanilla for me please!" She turns to face our boys. "Now as for you two. You will not use the net to exploit and manipulate opinion in your own favour. You will remember to keep the Science in SF. Check the science too - its not just there for SFX. Like that whole Gouald repro thing - fix it!" The Other M-boy turns and stares mournfully at Pugkept who foolishly replies "Hey like its just a show - like scifi. Everyone's having fun except a few monomaniacs who just wanna get into ..." The Muse sighs deeply and looks down her nose at them. "I have had so many prayer requests from older fans who have read and watch REAL sf including many warm wonderful and INTELLIGENT not just Danielites or S&Jers that ... Meg Alec Tessie I give up they're all yours!" Gentle readers we dont know what happened next but we did see certain people pushed through a portal with the words "Welcome to Slashverse!" written across it and we hear they arrived in an area where several female Gouald characters were conferring with slash writers and well Gouald do like to have new toys ... dont they? Imperators Vietorius and Faberius had a wonderful quiet Xmas returning in the New Year to command a staff of chastened numb and very docile writers. Oh yes and the art and research staff were seen installing a large fish tank!No actual producers or writers were harmed in the course of this production. Nor are we advocating anything apart from remedial criticism and an avoidance of the worst excesses of certain episodes in seasons Four and Five and parts of Six. Have a good xmas - all and sundry - read lots of real Sf and mythology books. Meditate! The Muses will be with you!
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If you have tested this for me please Email Me and let me know if you enjoyed it. If you hated it dont bother telling me! If you're an actual crew or cast member with gossip about how much worse or better or funnier real studio conditions are please share ... I promise on various holy books not to spread any gossip without permission!
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