Our cast of characters
who live somewhere a few very twisted cosmic strings between the "normal" SG-1 universe and our own
Col. Henry "Hank" OsNarl. Warrior armed with sarcasm.
Allegedly a descendant of Ernest Pratt?
Major Spam Racter. A woman desperately in need of a date!
Dr. Spaniel Johns.
Spouse of She's my ray of delight. Who is also spouse to Asepia. If one more Goulawk male, female or hermaphrodite asks him
if he wants to be an alien entity's love toyboy ....
Tallawk. Former Jaffa First Desert.
Large chocolate covered with a soft caramel centre alien hunk. Please don't ask him about his former employer - Ah love sepia and gold makeup - Asepia or Asep for short, and special services!
Modern Major Genial "Ol' Blue eyes!" Amund.
The poor sod who's caretaker for this lot! Pity the man who has to fill in paperwork authorizing post-traumatic therapy for alien lovetoys!
Doctor She Cares a Lot Lasher.
Medic extra-ordinary who's having the time of her life. Of course she cares about her job! Possibly cos she figures sooner or later one of Stargrope Command is bound to dob them into the media and she'll either make millions from her memoirs or get the first Harvard or Caltech Chair of Xenobiology!
Finally the Teaser!
Our story so far ... on a deserted alien world we see ... yipe ... the usual misplaced Starring in the background!
(Starring Copyright Goulawk System Lords INC!: Hey we ripped the design off from the Ancient Ones and half the Galaxy knows it but who's going to sue when we have rayguns and spaceships! - Someone really should tell them the other half of the Galaxy is too busy laughing at people (the Ancient Ones and Goualawk)who set up Starrings on Geologically UNSTABLE terrain! Like really! - near Volcanoes, on beaches, or planets orbiting black holes? Are these people science-challenged or something?)
Interesting noises are coming from a nearby beach ... One of the pair making these sounds is Marshmallow, a member of the Two-UP Ya(named after their traditional gesture of defiance towards the System Lords ... two fingers ... yes, well)
Marshmallow:
"OH! WOW! Rosshalala! (Sound of face being slapped)
Oh Jolly nearer to my heart and further down please!
(Again sound of face being slapped)
Oh Sorry Spam but after a couple of hundred years of doing it as a foursome ...
... er Spam Why are you stuffing that Mango Mumble mumble ..."
(Sound of Mango Slice being used as Gag followed by sound of Mango being squeezed
until the juices run down ...er mmm ... I'm sure you can work out the rest ?)
Major Spam Racter:
"... and if you get me mixed up with her again
... I'm not going to let you help me ... clean this off!
and that goes double for your symbiont Langpashon!"
But how did Marshmallow and Spam get into this not so dire situation?
This interesting position? A flashback to a couple of days ago ...
At the its not really near Denver or Cheyenne but closer to Vancouver
Starring Secret Deep Down under the ground HQ
a SquirmHole is opening and ejecting members of SG!
Dr. Spaniel Johns hurls across the room in a perfect triple somersault
and then bounces off several walls like a squash ball.
He is followed rather more gently by the rest of SG!
all of whom appear to be half clothed and covered with purple glup.
The face of an irate Gowl'awk appears across the surface of the squirmhole's event horizon
The Goul'awk is yelling!
(They seem to do a lot of that? ... when they're not abusing the Imperative?)
Lord MIN:
" ... and stay out of my harem!
I don't care if Hathoho I'm a Pro sex goddess! brought you along as special guest stars!
If I catch any of you again, especially the idiot with the gun fetish
or the fool who insulted my girls by comparing them to Lord Apophis' consort ...
(breaks into fits of evil demented laughter)
... I gifted you all with something to remember me by so you'll remember my warning!!!
(sound of more megamanic laughter)
The Squirmhole collapses.
Genial Amund picks up the phone and sighing dials sickbay: "Hello Doctor Lasher?"
I think I'm going to need some head ache tablets and one of your special shiatsu massages.
Could you book me in after you check out SG!
I think they've been exposed to (groans) yet another "mysterious alien substance"?
(Sound of unladylike cursing from phone) Genial Amund: " Doctor Lasher please!"
We cut to sick bay.
Doc Lasher is half-heartedly testing samples of purple glup
Tallawk can be seen sitting on a bed smirking at the others (He's immune!)
He seems to be expecting something to start happening ... and real soon too!
Hank is smoking something that's probably not a cigar.
Spaniel is muttering to himself but no one pays attention since he's already had three nervous breakdowns this month already!
Spam flashes her sexiest "boy am I off duty" smile at every male medic who walks past her.
Genial Amund is looking disgusted in between rounds of swallowing headache tablets.
Doctor Lasher:
Well Genial my initial results show this to be another variant on that wierd mood altering stuff
we've encountered before and its' ..."
Lasher pauses to watch as Spam leaps off her bed,
tackles a tall blonde male orderly,
and drags him off towards the nearest supply closet
Tallawk continues to smirk.
Lasher continues sighing, "... very predictable isnt it?"
Osnarl grinning: "Way to go! Spam!"
Spaniel breaks into jealous tears and starts sobbing his wife's name,
"She's my ray of delight!" over and over again.
Doctor Lasher just continues talking:
" ... and this variant seems to act as a combined hormone stimulant and anti-depressant.
Normal impulse control is significantly reduced.
Genial Amund (in a rare fit of sarcasm): " What impulse control?"
(muttering to self) I've really got to swipe some of that and get you alone in the operating theatre
for some experimental procedures and an admin review ..."
Lasher stops to soothe Spaniel with gentle maternal tones
"There, there, .."
as he has now begun screaming like a three year old:
"I want my wifie! I want my mummy! I want my daddy!"
I want my career as a respected boy genius back! WAAAH!"
Osnarl starts giggling. Genial Amund sniffs out whatever it was Osnarl was smoking.
Osnarl continues to giggle.
Tallawk puts one hand over his face. We can hear muffled laughter.
Genial Amund: "Colonel Osnarl! Pull yourself together Man!
Hank Osnarl: "Man! Hey Man!!! Wow ! Like so sixties M A A A N!
(giggles) Like I am sooo high! Oh look a purple doggie!
(An Australian Shepherd covered with purple dye trots across the ward room
Everyone else pretends NOT to notice. They're already seen much wierder stuff than this and dont want to encourage Osnarl
in case he starts singing the ballad of Ernie the Milkman
((RDA shouldnt have admitted in public to being a Benny Hill fan!))
Oops I just gave away being old enuff to remember Benny Hill! SHUDDER)
Amund rubs his forehead. Lasher stops sedating Spaniel to look bemused but firmly compassionate.
A Loud crashing noise comes from the supply closet
The male orderly runs out followed by a frustrated Spam screaming:
"I order you not to be gay! AAARGH!!!"
Amund to Lasher: "Doctor do we have a solution to this in less than four acts that wouldnt involve Osnarl getting an excuse to show off his infamous sense of humor?"
Doctor Lasher (wistfully): "I'm working on it Sir.
Do we have the budget yet for an extra tranquilizer dart gun?
New Scene New Action
Osnarl is in the locker room lying on a bench still smoking something that looks like a cigar
but probably isnt while using a mobile phone.
He is talking to his ex-wife. Due to a "mysterious" side-effect he has undergone rapid hair growth
and now has a Nicodemus Legend moustachio and long hippie length hair to his shoulders.
"Honey I've gotten back in touch with my real authentic new age sensitive
feminine left over from the sixties side of me!
Can I come home now? Please?
I promise not to NOT talk about wars and ... stuff mmmm post traumatic stuff and not to shoot any more therapists.
Please can I come home now? Pl - i i i - Z!
What do you mean why cant I remember we're divorced?
And you've moved to Nevada ! That's nice!
We can go UFO spotting at Area 51 together!
Honey are you sick you're making strange noises? That's not you? Who's in the room with you?
You were in bed. Did I wake you up? WHAT!
You were in bed with Maybore! Maybore? MAYBORE!
You're dating Maybore! @#@$%!
(The consequent burst of adrenalin resets Osnarl's brain to whatever passes for normal.
If normal involves having to send three other Sg teams after you with dart guns and nets
and a straight jacket cos you've ran off to Nevada to kill Maybore!
Another scene
Dr. Spaniel has escaped from sick bay and has cornered Make Love Not War in a corridor.
He is babbling on about She's my ray of delight!
Make Love clearly anxious to escape being bored to death or having Spaniel notice
his I love HatHOHO! Tshirt suggests Spaniel go to Abydos or elsewhere and fetch her back.
He jokingly offers to meet him in the Ring Room in ten minutes to help him.
Spaniel exits grinning cutely but dementedly.
MakeLove goes to the nearest phone
Make Love: " Hello Dr. Lasher has the extra dart gun arrived yet? Spaniels' escaped from sick bay.
(Sounds of unladylike cursing at orderlies can be heard from the phone)
What you had to give it to Ferret who's out chasing Hank!
Er couldnt we just let him kill Maybore first BEFORE we dart and net him.
What are we going to use on Spaniel?
Yet another change of scenery
Cut to the canteen or cafeteria or where ever they eat their meals
Spam is dancing on the tabletops ... oh dear wearing nothing but a half unbuttoned fatigue shirt and socks and maybe no undies!
Genial Amund is begging her to get down: "Spam please what would your father think!?"
Spam stops and bends over exposing her breasts.
All the men in the room wolf whistle encouragement.
Genial Amund turns around and glares paternally at them
Spam (in a stage whisper):"I know about him and Grrr she's a hot older woman!
... if certain generals can get a piece of the action ...
(fortunately she does not state which general she is referring to ...)
Cutaway to Tawllawk seating in a corner, clutching his middle, laughing so hard he's crying!
Genial Amund hisses at him: "Stop that!"
Junior his symbiont pops out and hisses in agreement ... poor little thing's getting a headache.
Tawllawk who along with far too many people doesnt seem to think child abuse laws
apply to Goulawk Larvae slaps Junior who withdraws, whining and sulking.
Gentle reader spare a moment here to consider the plight of infant Goulawk
... carried around for seven years by macho warrior hunks
and then when they graduate to an allegedly adult host
they have to avoid their elders' wars, discipline and bondage, kinky parties, and stuff
like the only other option being joining the annoyingly self righteous Two Up Yah!!
Cut to the Ring room.
Dr. Spaniel Johns is bouncing up and down on the ramp
dressed in a fulll Indiana Jones totally UN -PC 40 serial type adventurer outfit
complete with whip, handgun, submachine gun, UZI, grenade belt, knifes in boots etc
... in fact its a wonder he can stand upright!
Due to yet another convenient side effect his hair has grown out
into a Brendan Fraser in the Mummy style and oh yes his sleeves are rolled up!
hehhehe! Do I know how to tease or what?
(Brendan Fraser and Michael Shanks together in the same movie - now there's a thought ...)
Johns:
(to no-one in particular apparently presuming the techs are listening
instead of just possibly rolling in laughter on the floor of the control booth)
"Okay pump up the Volume! Fire up those fusion reactors! Jumping Johns to the Rescue EH!
She's my ray of delight! Your sweet date wine boy is coming to bring you home! Oh YEAH BABY! EH!"
(Spaniel stands by the the Ring Ramp smiling dementedly but looking oh so cute!
Enter Doc Lasher smiling with hands deep into her lab coat pockets.
Spaniel: "Wanna come to Abydos and all stops to Chulak with me Doc? EH?"
Lasher pets him on the shoulder caringly saying:
First we have to make one little stopover ...
She pulls out a huge needle. Spaniel faints at the sight of it.
Lasher to self with victory grin! "Two down ! Two to go!"
The almost penultimate scene. The Medical Area.
Osnarl and Spaniel are sedated, in straight jackets, and chained to their respective beds.
An orderly is struggling with Spam who is begging:
"I dont want to sleep it off! Girls just wanna have fun!"
Tallawk is sitting doubled over with suppressed laughter on a nearby bed
Spam smiles at someone coming thru the door - its Marshmallow the Two Up Yah!
(Does he remind anyone else of John Hannah?)
Clearly our Teaser can be explained by Marshmallow and Langpashon graciously offering to take Spam off world for some overdue leave time until the drug wears off.
We switch back there for our peniultimate scene.
Spam and Marshmallow are lying on the beach both wearing something minimal and sexy and easily removable ... and grinning dreamily.
Marshmallow:"Think the others have reverted to normal yet?"
Spam:"Like I care? This is the best leave I've had in months"
Spam leans over Marshmallow looking intent on further recreational activity ...
Fade-out
We hear Osnarls voice begging ...
"Aw come on guys ...You can untie me now? Please? I promise not to hit Spaniel if he starts singing Abydosian lovesongs! Honest?!
Guys the Ice Hockey playoffs are on! At least get me a TV? Please? Or I'll sing Monty Python songs!
THE END
While I 'ld much rather share a more serious script with you all - actors extras crew fans fellow (wannabe) writers, pros and producers etc ... I do hope some of you found this lighter piece of silliness amusing ?
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