Our cast of characters
who live somewhere a few very twisted cosmic strings between the "normal" SG-1 universe and our own,
Col. Henry "Hank" OsNarl. Warrior armed with sarcasm.Allegedly a descendant of Ernest Pratt?
Major Spam Racter. A woman desperately in need of a date!
Dr. Spaniel Johns.
Spouse of She's my ray of delight. Who is also spouse to Asepia. If one more Goulawk male, female or hermaphrodite asks him if he wants to be an alien entity's love toyboy ....
Tallawk. Former Jaffa First Desert.
Large chocolate covered with a soft caramel centre alien hunk. Please don't ask him about his former employer - Ah love sepia and gold makeup - Asepia or Asep for short, and special services!
Modern Major Genial "Ol' Blue eyes!" Amund.
The poor sod who's caretaker for this lot! Pity the man who has to fill in paperwork authorizing post-traumatic therapy for alien lovetoys!
Doctor She Cares a Lot Lasher.
Medic extra-ordinary who's having the time of her life. Of course she cares about her job! Possibly cos she figures sooner or later one of Stargrope Command is bound to dob them into the media and she'll either make millions from her memoirs or get the first Harvard or Caltech Chair of Xenobiology!
The Misadventure Begins!
Opening Scene:
Any alien planet that looks oddly like parts of Beautiful Scenic British Cloumbia! heavily forested, big trees, abandoned quarries, and oh yes! that ubiquitious Starring in the background!
Somewhere in the foreground we see movement in the shadows away from acampfire and towards the Starring. Dr. Johns is sleathily and gracefully tiptoeing towards the Dial Tone Device. Curiously this activity is not disturbing the rest of SG! in the least. They all continue to snore or talk or sing in their sleep.
Hank OsNarl (singing in badly fractured notes):" ...I gave my heart to a purple piebald alien doggie!"
Spam Racter murmurs:" MMM Marshmallow! Oh Nearly Him! Girls just want to have fun!"
Tallawk is just snoring though (shudder!) his Goulawk larva is humming in harmony with Hank (and what's really scary is that Junior sings better!)
Meanwhile on the other side of the Squirmhole Dr. Johns is passionately embracing a cloaked and hooded figure, hugging and kissing, and removing his clothes, and hers too! He's cheating on She's My Ray again ?! NO! It is She's My Ray of Delight! Six feet of Abydonian dirt isn't enough to stop this girl though it took ages to get the grit out of her hair!
Several chapters of a traditional East Asian pillow book or the Kama Sutra or one of the scrolls of Philae later or some other infamous work of erotica (if you dont understand the above sentence you shouldnt be reading this!) Spaniel reclines back on a pile of satin cushions, eating exotic fruits and discussing his Filofax Calendar.
Spaniel" ...so that's my calendar for the next month. What days can you get away from Chulak?"
She's my Ray aka AmyNOT an EH!: "Asepia generally attends his how to be a leaner meaner System Lord Class on Teusdays ...Amy has half that day free. Can you pencil that in dear? Only one little problem?"
Spaneil:"Yes my cinnamon and sugar donut?
She's My Ray: " I think Asepia's getting suspicious!
Spaniel:"Hey if I can fool Spam and Lasher with that dopey obsessed scholar routine ..."
Darling let's face it .. some Goullawk and humans just ... well"
Amy NOT an EH! makes her prescence felt!
Spaniel: " Ouch! Present company not included in that statement of course!"
She's My Ray:" yes well but the other night .. well that memory thing works both ways and the other night I'm afraid Amy blurted out your name while she and Asepia were ... er ... you know? Asepia spent the next two hours babbling on and on about how wonderful he was compared to So Kinky and the other System Lords!
Spaniel: "There, there, girls. Say how 'bout you get to pick the next position?"
She's My Ray and Amy NOT in unison: "YES!!!"
Meanwhile back on that nameless BC Clone planet yet another member of SG! is sneaking off duty via the Starring. This time its Spam and guess who meets her on the other side? Marshmallow dashing dressed in very little and holding a matching set of silken lingerie for Spam. He smiles incitingly and utters three words. NO! NOT I LOVE YOU! (We already know that!) Three even more important words for maintaining a relationship - if you can afford one ... (wish I could) "The Spa's Ready!" Spam smiles.
Much later that evening Spam's response "PUUURR!" and Marshmallow's reply, "So I get to pick the next position!"
BACK ON PLANET BC!!!
Tealc has stripped down to a cloth of gold kilt and is also exiting ... off to the Land of Light for a little game of snakes and burrows with his wife and yes .. its not a board game!
Back at Stargrope Command - Our Motto - "Groping Our Way clumsily across the Galaxy"
... and let's try NOT to alienate too many potential allies and regular enemies this week please?
(What you thought it was a different kind of groping - shame on you !
Genial Amund is watching Dr. Lasher gracefully perform her duties. She is chasing SG team members around the infirmary with large needles.
Dr.Lasher: "Crybabies! Its not that big a biopsy needle!"
Genial Amund: "Doctor ..."
Lasher, smiling at him, "Yes, Genial?"
Genial Amund: "How would you like to help me and Genial Retired but not Tiresome Reactor with some interspecies liasion?
Dr. Lasher knowingly and coyly!:"Oh! Would this be on Saturday night? It just so happens Cassie's going to a sleepover party and I'm VERY free!"
Genial Amund: blurting it out: "GOOD!"
(regaining his dignity and auctoritas) "Er uniform will not be necessary ... its an informal event that ..." Lasher after double checking no one is listening : "It's Okay Genial, Selmaytrearch (its a pun say it out aloud) told me about the Saturday Night Midsummer Orgy ... er transcultural connexus event!!!"
Genial Amund:" You do? Excellent! Now as long as no one tells Hank!"
Back on BC Clone World. The Morning after. Hank OsNarl is trying to wake up his team with jovial or should that be juvenile threats?
"Rise and shine Kiddos! Hey happy campers get up or I'll practise my jokes for the next base talent night!"
All Groan in Unison! as they blearily struggle out of their sleeping bags and reach for coffee. Hank winks at their appearance naively, or may be not so, at them, and remarks:
"Reactor have you been changing your clothers in your sleeping bag again? Naughty Girl silk lingerie is not standard issue!"
Reactor gasps and runs behind a tree to change. OsNarl sniffs and comments at Johns :"Spaniel what is that aftershave you're wearing? Smells kinda of girly?" Spaniel mutters something and staggers off to the stream to wash off She's My Ray's perfume. Turning to Tallawk who is standing there stark naked sipping his coffee and looking superior. "Get some clothes on before I get jealous! Honestly you Jaffa NOT Binkys and your lack of nudity taboos!" Tallawk just smirks and continues to drink his coffee.
Saturday Morning - the Stargrope Coffee Binge Room
Genial Amund is giving orders to Makelove and Ferret.
"Remember your mission is to distract OsNarl until most of us have successfully transited the Starring to the Saturday night Orgy! This weekend we all score!"
Ferret grumbles: "Couldnt we just drug him?"
Genial Amund:" NO we have to make sure he stays on duty here! Maybore said if OsNarl ever crosses the state line of Nevada again he'll sool those two annoying FBI agents onto us. Remember Mutant I am a paranoid alien hybrid Foxy and Sulks she's so sexy but aaargh doesnt date ? And worse he's threatening to report us to the United Nations! Do you want European Economic Community bureacrats running this place?"
Makelove and Ferret shudder and scream in unison!
Saturday Afternoon = the Locker Room
MakeLove and Ferret are approaching OsNarl with pasted on ready for a bit of male bonding smiles. "Hello OsNarl wanna play street hockey out in the car park?" OsNarl: "Okey dokey!" He opens his locker door and collapses overwhelmed by what seems to be an never ending flow of ice hockey sticks and gear, skis, canoes, parachutes, swiss army knifes, chemistry kits, plastic explosives, geckos, baby photos, and photo lab bills. Ferret to Make love "Wow that was lucky! He's really gotta clean out that locker! No wonder he's nearly always in fatigue gear!"
Ferret and Makelove abandon a whimpering OsNarl to join the queue for the Starring in which we see Genial Amund and Doctor Lasher wearing casual evening gear and carrying champagne bottles. Spam is there wearing a retro sixites miniskirt and thigh high boots outfit while Spaniel has donned black leather pants and a black satin tshirt. Tallawk is simply elegant in an Armani suit. All are smiling broadly in anticipation.
Meanwhile back in the locker room OsNarl is groaning. One hand is sticking out of the pile and being licked tenderly by Zooty the Wonder Dog - a tricolored alien canid - she's white purple and green! .......... Much much later ... several hours ... a bruised and lonesome OsNarl is sitting in the Coffee Binge Room, crying into an empty beer mug, complaining to the dog,"Honey? you love me doncha?" Dog wags tail anticipating large fresh bone! "And I lob u tooo b u u u t I really gotta get a human date. Two legs?" Dog growls. We hear footsteps ... OsNarl mutters to self ..."Oops did I leave the Starring open?" The door opens . It's Hathoho and Grr she's still hot and Underage Girl from Argos and several others chorusing "Hello you silver fox you !!!"
Monday Morning the Coffee Binge Room
Genial Amund and the rest of SG! are inspecting the mess.
OsNarls' barely conscious body is sprawled across a huge pile of cushions. He is naked except for a big happy grin, several wreaths of those wierd purple flowers, and is muttering "Now I remeber the sixties!" Nearly Zooty is sleeping off the effects of a huge pile of freshly gnawed bones - bribes from Hathoho and the girls! Genial Amund manages to get the last word for a change!"Well it looks like we ALL got to score this Saturday Night!"
THE END
While I 'ld much rather share a more serious script with you all - actors extras crew fans fellow (wannabe) writers, pros and producers etc ... I do hope some of you found this lighter piece of silliness amusing ?
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