Yet another fine misadventure brought to you by Sassy and Goldie! See what happens when the girls have fun with Acme Products. Yes THOSE ACME products ... the ones that get coyotes in trouble in certain toons!
But first a Note from your scribe. Sassy and Goldie are characters and they're as "real'" as they or you want them to be. Belief makes them more real! Have you read Charles De Lint's novels? It was another fine day at Pontifical Studios. Refugee aliens were pretending to be stunt people and extras. Vicious combat was taking place near the craft table as crew and cast battled for the last of the donuts. Superior canids including one red furred dachshund were taking advantage of that battle to skillfully steal and consume the last donuts.(Scribal Note - I like hot cinnamon coated and cool chocolate mud cake donuts but I steel myself to walk past the donut store in the mall silently recalling why too much sugar in one hit is bad for more than my waist line. AAARGH! And struggle to retain the last traces of my aversion to supporting multi-national junk food franchises. Darn ethics! Whimper.)
The superb and stylish superior canid heard a whimper. No not coming from the scribe who's probably feeling guilty about that triple chocolate cookie she had earlier. White chocolate tips and dark chocolate and more cocoa in the cookie and AAARGH! Oh well it was one SMALL cookie.
Our Canid reporter's super sensitive hearing allowed her to trace the whimpering to a trailer where a certain human female was reclining in a chair having read a particular script and muttering, "NO not again they're doing horrible things to my character's boyfriend. Sob and Cleft was on set and I couldnt play with him and Sob and Sob ... "
Our compassionate canid champion of actresses oppressed by bad scriptwriting and stereotypes leapt onto the lap of the latest victim of careless writing and tried to kiss her better. Any actress who has to put up with fans whose idea of a critical vocabulary is "YUCK!" needs and deserves TLC. Hello she may be a blonde but she has brunette roots and she's SOOO NOT Paris Hilton. Nor Mary Sue! And sadly "Yuck" is a quote from a fan reacting to a recent spoiler about a multiple Sam scene!
"Oh Sassy its you! Have you seen the latest spoiler?" asked an oppressed personage, waving it about angrily. "NO but I've seen the spoilers in Gateworld. Poor Only Light On! Such a lovely boy! Cheer up Goldie should be here soon with some gifts for you. Something really truly useful from Acme Super Gadgets By Mail Order for You!" responded Sassy cheerfully.
Enter the Goullawk! "Yoohoo! Come outside this stuff willn't fit in the trailer darlings!" burbled a delightful dragonoid from just outside the door." Scattered about were various items. A CD of Nancy Sinatra's Sixties Classics including "These boots were made for walking". A pair of high heeled thigh high leather boots for walking tall and proud. A very large shipping crate labeled "Size altering device. Caution should not be used by Children or Coyotes! Shrink your enemies! Change clothes sizes! Enlarge body parts! Defy the inverse square factor and find out what's its like to be fifty foot tall!"
Our trio of fearless females with feminist values and quirky senses of humor grinned in unison contemplating fun and trouble.
Some time later a certain PTB and very minor deity was in his office blogging away to his devoted fans instead of researching mythology and science or editing his stories. As he merrily typed away yaddering on about ice cream making in a style that suggested he certainly hadn't read Pepys, or any other famous and interesting journal writer, or implemented any of Quiller-Couch's observations about style, he never noticed the strange shadow crossing his window. A cheiromorphic shadow!
(Scribal Note I just made that up! Who knows what cheiro means in Greek? Anyone? No? How about manual or manus in Latin? hint - an appendage with five digits.)
A few seconds later the usual loud screams from the offices were ignored as most people had been warned Sassy and Goldie were lurking on set and had been seen near Amazingly Gracious's trailer and KNEW what that meant. One senior PTB did briefly glance out the window and remarked,
"Now that is different. A 50 foot Amazing striking across the car park carrying Pugkept in her hand. And she's wearing thigh high leather boots and a miniskirt!"
"Where!" cried the other PTBs and writers as they rushed to the office window, far more interested in seeing Amazing in a miniskirt and thigh highs at any size, than they were in the perilous plight of poor Pugkept!
Some time later. A delivery van is leaving the Malibu mansion wherein a certain semiretired Silver Wolf resides along with his cub.
"Daddy Look! Aunty Amanda sent me a new toy! It's called MY LIL' BLOGGOD!" It's some kind of puppet or doll and it looks just like a six inch tall version of Unca Pugkept!"
"Better let me see that Princess. Oh the card is also signed with a pawprint and a spurt of purple stuff. There's a note saying Sassy and Goldie helped Auntie Amanda "Shape" the present! And what interesting instructions on the side of the box ..."
"I can read it Daddy! It says Caution Do not expose to ice cream or the internet or your Lil' Bloggod may change size. For ideal maintenance read it pages from Pliny, Pope, Pepys, or Plutarch, or any diary keeper or essayist who keep the style in their prose interesting and doesnt waffle on about ice-cream or junk food or restaurants. This toy recites script spoilers and is capable of the ocassional moment of limited irony and humor. Treat it gently but firmly and like Pinocchio it may change from a naughty toy into a real human boy eventually. Do not expose to fandom except under strictly controlled conditions. Do not allow near extreme shippers."
"OH Daddy it's making cute little squeaking noises! And funny faces! And it's waving its little fist at you! And jumping up and down! Wow it's an action figure too! Where's the volume switch for the voice circuit! Maybe under its little ..."
"Er Princess better let Daddy take a look at it! Dont touch it THERE! Ooops!"
Shippers of all varieties from Sensible through Creative through to Extreme and other fans will be relieved or annoyed to learn that eventually the effects of a certain device wore off and Pugkept was returned to the studio! Strangely while he was away someone or some two beings filled up his office with copies of Classical Literature! Murasaki Ovid Homer Su Dong Po Plato Lady Montague Horace Murasaki's Tale of Genji Aphra Behn Lovecraft Andre Norton Basho CJ Cherryh Charles De Lint Robert Heinlein Wendy Pini Donna Barr Rexroth's Anthologies of translated Asian verse Trypanis' Anthology of Greek Verse Quiller-Couch's Essay - On the Art of Writing. Ray Bradbury's work - Zen and the Art of Writing. People try to read at least some of these items? Please!Not I'm not trying to be "patronizing" as one fan alleged. Wrong gender for one thing? I throw these book lists at you'll in the hope of extending your reading pleasures!
Another report has been brought to you by Neith a woman who perhaps has read far too much and yet maybe not enough Greek and Latin and other Classics? Grumble too busy with the new job.