Gone to the Dogs Another Sassy and Goldie Adventure!
Guest Starring a certain Viennese police force member!
Pontifical Studios
The Pros are auditioning for a fourth SG! Member.
Various handsome young male actors are lining up, curiously all wearing black sleeveless T-shirts! Up at the head of the line are a certain Goullawk on a skate board, and a notorious dachshund, who are about to sashay and stroll together into the casting room.
When they do so screams can be heard of:
“NO! No way! You’re the wrong species and the wrong gender! We need a hunky piece of eye candy! Stop making the jokes about being purple and sweet! You with the fur!
The toothsome pun does not prove you can ad-lib lines and replace the Silver Canid.
OUT! Do you think this show has gone to the dogs just because Amazing is on maternity leave! Go! Go far away! Now!”
A disappointed twosome sorrowfully exit the room!
“Now what?” asked Goldie mournfully, trundling along past the long line of studs and hunks hopefully flexing their arms. Sassy paused thoughtfully.
“…gone to the dogs…” she whispered and then smirked as only a determined and obseesed dachshund can. She turned to Goldie and asked a rhetorical question,
“Aren’t there still a few minor deities and magicians who owe us favors?”
Meanwhile over at Star Grope Command Spam is back at work crying at her desk. She is SOOO not happy. Possibly partly because she’s several months pregnant with what feels like twins and her plan to have ATwain, her Repotoy clone, replace her, has failed? She is also not happy because her repoclone ATwain is also sitting in her office, also heavily pregnant, and also crying.
“They made me evil! Waaa! Now we cant be sisters any more! Waaah! I have to leave! Waaah! And bear a new generation of traditionally evil repotoys. Waaah! I don’t wanna be a Borg style Queen WAAAH!” They both cease crying to give each other a hug.
Spam stopped crying and spoke to her duplicate.
“At least you know who the father is! The script writers havn’t told me yet whether it’s Petey’s, the Genial’s, or some weird alien hybrid that looks like Thor!”
In unison they both start crying again anticipating horrible plot twists!
Meanwhile back at Pontifical Studios An Important Announcement is about to be made!
The Pros are about to pull a name out of a barrel!
Lights flash! The barrel rolls! People inhale noisily.
A name comes out of the barrel! And the lucky new cast member is ….
“Being Broader. This exciting young hunk fresh from a mini-series and former regular on FirEscape has been chosen to join our select group of hunks … and”
“And what about his acting skills? Shouldnt you be hiring for acting skills?” screams out a voice in the crowd.
“Ignore that dachshund!” states the Pro continuing his speech.
“Young Being made our shortlist because he’s already been house-trained in Australia and is available …”
“He’s available because some schmuck didn’t give the program good timeslots or PR!”
cried the voice again, “and he needs to raise his profile in the US market!”
“Security remove that b***h!” asked the Producer. Security suddenly disappear knowing what will happen if they get any closer during any dramatic confrontation involving the pros and a certain dachshund. Not allof them enjoyed being transported into the boyzone of certain System Ladies in need of new pets.
“Being a family man will fit right into our big happy ever expanding family and is sure to be a happy addition bringing his special talents to …”
“Which special talents? You’re hiring him for his hunkiness to keep the shippers happy and distract them from the absence of the Silver Canid and Amazingly Graceful!”
“Being is an excellent actor and has scripting experience and loves our show and” continued the Producer only to be interrupted yet again.
“We’re NOT criticizing his acting skills! We liked FirEscape! We’re just asking you to be more honest about your motives! We saw the short list in your office. How come there were no Asians or Afro-americans or Women or Dachshunds or Goullawks on it! Why couldn’t we have Garret Wang or Daniel Dae Kim or Peter Williams or ”
“Why would we want to have our actors perform with small animals?” laughed a Junior Pro mockingly.
“What maybe they should just pose instead of perform?” replies an impudent canid.
“You wish!” snapped the Junior Pro nastily!
“Thank you! We were waiting for that line!” answered a certain canid.
Magic shimmered thru the air and there was a shift in quantum boundaries. Reality blinked out and reset in a flash of white light shamefully borrowed from S.M. Stirling’ latest book Dies in the Fire, a really really good SF. novel, especially since Stirling’ main women characters are starting to be much better written … well improved anyway but hey the evil space bat does set up interesting scenarios!”
Oops back to the satire! Seriously folks it’s a good read and we also recommend the British author Liz Williams’ books too! But avoid John Ringo’s There Be Dragons like it was the Black Death! Full of stereotypes and clichés!
Everyone opens their eyes. There seems to be less people in the room. Amd more dogs.
A lot more dogs. Ahelluva lot more dogs including a strikingly handsome pair of Labradors, one of whom is chocolate and the other black, who start posing for photos on the gate. They’re really adorable gorgeous and lovable. Their name tags read Mikey and and Kris. Are you surprised? The Junior Pros have disappeared and a pug and other small dog breeds are standing bewildered where they were!
The Senior Pros glare at a certain small canid who is smiling and doing high fives with her Goullawk friend. They walk over to her.
“Okay what do we have to do to get our hunks and writers and actors back?”
Sometime later – Pontifical Studios
The Senior Pros have trying to have a speaker phone conference with the Silver Canid who is refusing to come to the phone. Instead a young female voice is speaking.
“Daddy can’t come to the phone! He’s still a big silver puppy dog and we’re going for a walk along the beach together and then we’ll play Frisbee and buy ice-creams!
Daddy said no way is he turning back human except when he’s driving me to school and other stuff. He likes being a woofie! He’s a beautiful wooofie and ladies think he’s a Samoyed or Husky and want to pat him and he likes being a hunk of burning hot love! And Daddy said you still have Repotoy and he’s a major shareholder in the Production Company and so there! He’s on vacation until he gets bored!”
The Producers switch off the phone and a soft desperate sobbing fills the room.
A knock on the door interrupts their melancholia and a voice asks.
“The new Producer – Director is here with his Executive Assistant and Personal Trainers and wants to know if his office is ready. I’ll send his spokesperson in!”
A large amiable plump Viennese male enters the room. He’s smiling because while he’s still being a underdog to an alpha male now he’s going to get all those little luxuries and special attentions as well.
“Hello mein name is Herr Kunz and I hab a list of things ve vill need. Marzipan. Ham Rolls. Coffee. Ein Table with a soft thick grey blanket und toys und .
A loud commanding masculine barking can be heard outside. IN the car park a gorgeous middle aged recently (hopefully though the rumor about his retirement is just that!) Viennese Kommissar is playing with the two Labradors. Gosh they look so cute gamboling in the car park, chasing the stunt team, stealing ham rolls off the craft table, slobbering on their girlfriends. Slobbering on their unhappy glaring up at the window girlfriends who want their boys back as more than bed-warmers please!
One of the pros mutters,
“Things could be worse. We’ll be working with an experienced professional!
He’s an ex police dog from Vienna and great for the European and German speaking markets! And with Being Broader bringing us the Aussie and Japanese and an crossover into other markets …”
Another pro muttered sadly,
“But Sassy only recommended him cos she has a crush on him and no way would we let her or Goldie onto the cast. Who would have thought a dachshund could get shippy about an Alsatian?”
“He’s a herding dog breed. He’ll manage the boys nicely!”
Every One Welcome Der Komissar!
Epilogue One - rehearsals for season nine.
Being is whispering to the Young Prince and Crysafur.
“And I thought the FirEscape cast, fans, and crew were strange! Does this sort of thing happen a lot around here!”
A large recently retired police dog is herding them up the ramp to the Gate and neatly grouping them together ready for a cast shot!
The Young Prince explains.
“You’re asking us! You’ve worked in Australia! You know what sort of sense of humor they have! What could be more ironic and appropriate than a handsome international star noted for his acting skills and professional discipline herding hunks and taking over as a director. At least he’s not a cast member!”
“Quiet” hisses Crysafur, “Sassy’s on set. You wanna go back to being a Labrador?”
Meanwhile what’s happening in Stargrope Command?
Will the missing scenes from Gemini re-appear in a flashback explaining why despite having all of Amazing’s memories ATwain lost her ethics?
Will ATwain and Amazing’ pregnancies be mentioned on the show?
Has Genial OsNarl also been replaced by a Repotoy?
Does anyone care!?
Are you at least smiling or laughing?
And if your name is Amanda Tapping we hoped you enjoyed this story and have a wonderful restful pregnancy and birthing involving minimal difficulty!
Enjoy it we’ll be keeping an eye and continuing our reports on the antics of the Pros!
Happy Christmas 2004 and New Year 2005 to our few loyal readers!
And Season’s Greetings to folks celebrating other festivals!
As for all those people who loathe satire? You’ll just have to pray that either my casual work hours increase or I start selling art work on a large scale or that the publisher accepts my book submission so I’ve have less spare time!
Best wishes to you all friend or foe! And remember especially if you’re a writer
Keep the Science in Science Fiction! It’s S for Science NOT Soap!
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