Sassy and Goldie’s Excellent Enterprizing Incident!

 

(or how Enterprise got a third season)

 

A typical day on the bridge of the Enterprizing which is busily blundering through er exploring vast Delphinic expanses of space. Totally Appalled by Terran Behaviour is actually composing poetry in High Volcanic while pretending to do reports having finished rereading for the tenth time “How to Spot Avoid and Defuse if necessary Terran males with Alien Interfacing complexes”. Who? Me! - Token Asian Brazilian Linguist Diplomat and oh yes Earth female is dreaming about a date with Daniel Jackson. Her deepest secret is her fear that one of the crew will discover her copy of the Heliopolis Bicentennial Edition Memorial Slash Collection which she has disguised as lexicon files. Moron er Mark Come is reading “How to Impress Females with your knowledge of Weaponry and other things … – Chapter One – Stop reading this and go straight to the book list of romantic books in Appendix A. Chapter Two Hey Beautiful - a list of great intercultural pickup lines in a 100 languages …” What’s his name Triphammered? Twerp? Twit? Toy boy? is reading “Volcanic for Dummies Chapter One – Are you sure you should even try?” Boomerboy, being one of the few sensible intelligent beings on board, is actually working, working on his eventual promotion to Admiral by actually working. He is the first one to cry alertly out to Captain User of Curved Hunting Tools (hence to be known as User).

 

“Captain a Temporal or Dimensional Anomaly!!! Something weird and interesting!”

 

User utters a silent prayer and proceeds to drop his catalogue of pet toys and manfully but stylish juts his jawline a precise half an inch closer to the bridge screen. Oops should that be in metric? Surely Americans have finally switched over from Imperial to metric! So about a centimeter and a bit? Totally Appalled yawns having already seen three allegedly interesting anomalies just that week and its only Monday! Who!Me? franticly closes her copy of that story about Daniel in Apophis’ Harem. Twit blinks and stares at the closest display. Too late the bridge is briefly enveloped in a sfx which dissolves to reveal this week’s threat … A dachshund with long red fur and a weird lil’ dragonoid and a humanoid with a oh gosh here we are expression? Yes Readers Sassy and Goldie are finally visiting the Enterprise! At least this version of that ship. They already have autographs from Captain Kirk and the rest of the TOS crew. Autographs that say things like …Spock: Intriguing but illogical. Kirk: No I do not need another yeoman. Please go NOW!

 

Mark Come made the sort of brilliant observation that makes one speculate about centuries of in-breeding amongst the British gentry and upper classes. “That’s a dog! And a …? What is that and why is it sitting on a twentieth century skateboard?”

 

“We’re whos not whats. I’m Sassy and this is Goldie and this is our pet human and grooming aid JonaHexed!”

 

Totally Appalled dropped to her knees and begun to quietly gibber in Archaic Volcanic which no one else on the bridge understood except Who! Me? who seems confused as what Totally Appalled is gibbering lacks logic and isn’t another secret insult aimed at the boys that they can giggle about later over chamomile tea and chocolate cake.

 

She appears to be gibbering something like this?

 

“Aaargh aaargh aaack the legends are true! It’s one of the demon dogs of T*****s***n! Aaargh ack !”

 

Totally Appalled then faints artfully falling at an angle that reveals her shapely firm …you guess! Who! Me? contacts Sick Bay. Twit looks at User and then at the visitors and then down at Totally and does this again and again and again. Mark Come blurts out something inane. “Ever been to Risa under a Full Moon Ladies?”

 

User glared manfully in a commanding manner at him.and Twit and decided on a strategy of manly sarcasm.

 

“Twit would you like to help Who? Me! pick up Totally Appalled?”

 

“Yes please Captain!” User sighs and tried not to watch Twit try to pretend not to grope Totally Appalled.

 

Boomerboy being one of the few sentient and sensible beings on board is quietly standing by. We suspect probably has copies of all the security files and will be playing this back later for his own amusement while copying and editing the best bits into a collage for future black mail purposes.

 

Sassy trots up to the captain’s feet and looks up to Captain User. “We can help you with that problem.” and then points meaningfully at Twit, “also we can help you with several other problems”. She stares thoughtfully at the rest of the bridge crew and Doc Foxilated who has just arrived and is doing the weird alien smile thing. Totally Appalled briefly regains consciousness only to see Twit leaning over her. She then  punches him out and glances towards the doxie and dragonoid and then in a forceful yet feminine yet efficient manner flutters her eyelashes and passes out again. Much whispering ensues.

 

Some time later. In the engine room JonaHexed is happily recalibrating engines and making improvements. Many improvements including interesting alterations to the Replicator menu which henceforth will produce curious Jaffa herbal beverages mixed with purple stuff! Night times will be much more interesting in the crew quarters! Possibly a bit of that strange and versatile element Not An Egyptian placename has been injected into the system? In sickbay Who! Me? is whispering into Totally’s tapered shell like ear. Doc Foxilated is studying and scanning Goldie and taking donations of purple stuff for later use. In the captains’ quarters Sassy is revealing the great crossover secret “and this is how you take care of producers and writers … see this … its not really a laptop it transmits tachyons and chronitons and stuff and hooks you back into the early twentieth first century Internet over in the Prime Users reality so you too can exploit fan responses.” Captain User is smiling so happily you’ld think he just succeeded in making a member of the Volcanic High Council look stupid! Actually he’s smiling because Sassy and Goldie offered to take Twit back with them and leave JonaHexed there for a while to finish tuning the engines.

 

Several happy days on the Enterprizing ensue!