My Spiritual Beliefs

When I first realized that Christianity (I was raised as and confirmed as a Presbyterian) wasn't for me, I sought out "my own" religion. I wasn't content to neglect my spiritual side, or the voices that seemed to speak to me. I was at a loss as to where to begin, but I did read a little about different mainstream faiths from books at the library. Nothing seemed to speak to me personally. I still attended church with my family, as this was the appropriate thing to do. However, it was more of a social gathering for me and I enjoyed seeing friends that I only saw on Sundays. I received no other satisfaction from the institution itself, or the sermons. One morning, I attended an outdoor service and I was inspired. Having the service outside the confines of the church walls seemed so very Natural. I don't even recall if I listened to the minister that morning, but I do remember sensing something that I hadn't experienced before.

I had finally found peace and happiness. It was in Nature that I really connected with the Divine. I had found a God that I could understand and feel comfortable with. Since my early teachings were of a masculine force, I simply continued with this concept. I often sat at the base of a giant oak (or any tree) and watched the critters of the wild (mostly deer, rabbits and squirrels). I felt Him reaching out to embrace me through my brothers and sisters in Nature. Somewhere along the line, I imagine I sensed a need for the feminine. How could Nature "be" without it. It was then that I began to include the aspect of the Goddess and saw evidence of her at the beach, by the lake, at night under the light of the moon. I went with what felt natural and I found places to meditate and connect with the Divine.

During the years of my early adulthood, I rebelled, in a manner of speaking, against anything and everything that resembled religion. I no longer took the time to communicate with the Divine I had found within the mountains, trees, lakes and beaches. I stopped going to church, which by this time only consisted of services on Christmas and Easter. At this time I considered myself to be an atheist. I believed in no divine force.

Following the birth of my son, I began to feel my spiritual side calling me again. My child was born prematurely and I was often told by friends and family that they would join me in praying for his health and well-being. I couldn't pray...I didn't believe in God. I was content to leave the future of my son in the hands of the medical team that took care of him. For my own support and strength, I looked within myself and found enlightenment within my own soul. I knew I was the only person/being I could hold responsible for my emotions, my actions, my life. I rediscovered the God that had touched my life many years prior, only now he/she spoke from within as well as from without.

I began studying Wicca, Women's Spirituality, Druidry and other Earth-based Traditions during the summer of 1987. The knowledge that I have gained by reading and discussing these various religions has help tremendously with sorting out my feelings and beliefs. Over the next two years, I found many answers to those questions I had since childhood. I embraced Paganism and worshiped the gods of Nature as well as acknowledging my own divine self. Yet, I still felt incomplete. I found it more and more difficult to perform rituals that involved invoking a God(dess) that was set apart from the "mundane" world; a God(dess) that was older and greater than the universe. I was still able to do my magickal workings, but I left the Divine element out of it, or so I thought. I just couldn't conceive of the idea that the Ancient Gods were "real" beings. I have always enjoyed studying mythology, but I have come to the realization that the deities do not exist as personified entities, in this world or any other. It is my personal belief that humanity created the gods of the Old Religions to metaphorically explain natural phenomenon, historical events and moral truths.

During the Autumn of 1999, I came across the Scientific Pantheism web site and felt truly at home. I realized that the emptiness I had been feeling was from searching for the Divine outside of the Universe and trying to attach a personality to it. Now, when I refer to the God(dess), it is the cosmos, our planet and Nature that I speak of, not a personalized, transcendent being. I continue to honor my Ancestral Spirits and my Totem Guides (Power Animals), but to me, they are simply residual energies that have found their way into my life, through genetics and my connection with Nature.

We are a part of Nature. Nature created us, sustains us and one day we will be return to Nature. It is with this concept that I view reincarnation. When our physical body dies, the energy that makes up our body, mind and spirit is released and absorbed into the elements of the Universe. This energy is inexhaustible and is formed into new matter over and over again. The energy that creates who am today, may have been the driving force of a thunderstorm hundreds of years before I was born. This same energy could also manifest into a towering oak centuries after my death. The recycling of energy doesn't necessarily have to present itself in the human form alone. I don't believe in the transmigration of souls in the typical view of reincarnation, nor do I feel that we have a choice in the matter.

For over 20 years, I have searched for my own personal relationship with the Divine. Twenty years from now, I may or may not hold these same beliefs. At present, I continue to witness the Divine in every aspect of every day of my life since I have become spiritually in tune with myself and Nature. I have also regained a sense of balance in my life, through practicing Natural Magick. I work with Nature to heal myself, family and the environment. My work does in fact include a divine element, because every tool I use, including my own self, is a part of what I now see as God(dess).