May 27, 2001

February 17, 2002

Ephesians 5:21-6:4

It Takes Healthy Families to Build a Healthy Church

Introduction

Illustration – Interviews with John and Emma, Iran and Ruth, and Randy and Shirley. Ask the following questions – How long have you been married? What about your relationship has enabled your marriage to last? How has your faith impacted your marriage? How hard is it to submit to your spouse? Ask Randy also, What are you doing differently with Shirley that is making your last marriage different than your first marriage?
Context – One of the things we all struggle with in our relationships is this thing called submission. Ephesians 5:21-6:4 has a lot to say to us about biblical submission.

Scripture Passage

Ephesians 5:21-6:4 from The Message – Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling while silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already "one" in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life." Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.

Many Instructions, but only One Principle

There are lots of instructions in this passage to husbands, wives, children and fathers, aren’t there? But there is only one underlying principle that tells us how all of us are to relate to each other and to our family members. It’s found in verse 21 - Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. A literal translation of this verse would be "You are to be obeying one another in fear of Christ." The word I translated as "obeying" also means "placing or ranking oneself under" or "subjecting oneself to." The really curious thing about this word is that it’s in the middle voice. For the non-Greek geeks, as my wife would put it, that means that you do what this word says for the benefit of someone else and you wind up benefiting from your action also. Think about that for a minute. You submit yourself to, or are courteously reverent to, or obey, or place and rank yourself under someone else, and you benefit from that action as well. Doesn’t make sense in our thinking, does it? But in God’s thinking, it makes all the sense in the world. We’ll get back to that in a few minutes.

What does Paul say is supposed to be the motivation for submitting ourselves to each other? He says that we are to do it "out of respect for Christ." The word "respect" can also be translated fear, plight, dread, and terror. That puts a whole new twist on concept of respecting God. In the Old Testament, the Israelites often would fall on their faces in the presence of God. They would fear for their lives, not because God was looking out to zap them, but because they were overwhelmingly aware that God is holy and they were not. That’s powerful stuff! We’re supposed to submit to each other out of a healthy respect for God, if for no other reason. But what does this have to do with healthy families and healthy churches? That’s where we’re headed next.

Healthy families and healthy churches are all built on a solid two-stone foundation – love of God and healthy respect for Him coupled with mutual respect for and submission to each other. When we lovingly submit to each other out of reverence for Christ, we’re more concerned with meeting the needs of others than we are about meeting our own. It sounds a bit like we’d be constantly burning ourselves out from all that giving, but that’s not the case. While we’re lovingly submitting ourselves to others, they are lovingly submitting themselves to us and seeking to meet our needs. Do you see the kind of momentum that builds? We shift from being self-seeking and only concerned about our own needs to being a body of believers who meet each other’s needs. And that love and submission overflows into the community around us as they see the love of Christ in action. There’s a beautiful little phrase tucked into Peterson’s translation – Christ’s love makes the church whole. Mutual submission allows the love of Jesus to flow through us and through our church in a powerful way.

Illustration – In Evangelism in the Early Church, Michael Green observed, They made the grace of God credible by a society of love and mutual care which astonished the pagans and was recognized as something entirely new. It lent persuasiveness to their claim that the new age had dawned in Christ. Mutual love and submission in the church is one of the best ways we can witness to the power of the love of God outside the church. And it will transform our own hearts and lives as well.

How Submission Works in Families

We’ve talked a bit about how submission works in the church, but how does it work in the family? And why is it important to be mutually submissive in the family? Paul uses the family to illustrate how submission, or courteous reverence as Peterson puts it, works within a family. Wives are instructed to be as understanding and supportive to their husbands as they are to Jesus. Wives are also told to submit to their husbands’ leadership in the same way that the Church is to submit to Christ’s leadership. Why is it that Paul chooses to focus on this aspect of the husband/wife relationship? I believe it is because for many years husbands have abdicated the spiritual leadership of their homes to their wives. It could also be that husbands have led so poorly and unbiblically that wives have rebelled against their leadership and taken that role on themselves. Then there is the legacy of rebellion that Eve passed on when she thumbed her nose in the face of God’s authority and ate the forbidden fruit. Of course, Adam was there and didn’t stop her, so he abdicated his leadership role even back then. The point is that we have all had for thousands of years a legacy of poor spiritual role models when it comes to the way submission is supposed to work in the home. Wives, your place is not to judge the effectiveness of your husbands’ leadership – that’s God’s job. Your submission to your husband’s leadership is a reflection of your submission to Jesus’ leadership in your life. That’s what Paul is saying. If you are following your husband’s leadership and supporting and understanding him in ways that show your support for Christ, then you are doing what is pleasing to God. And you are also modeling biblical submission to your children.

Before you get too comfortable, husbands, Paul has more to say to us that he does to our wives. Why? Because we can be pretty thickheaded when it comes to spiritual things. We think we have to be macho men and deny our emotions. Not biblical, gentlemen! Let’s review what Paul says to us - Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling while silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already "one" in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. Did I have to read all that again? You bet! Remember, we’re the ones who think we can be subtle in showing our wives love and that’s enough. We’re the ones who buy into the American tough-guy lie. The way God created us to be as husbands is to go all out in demonstrating our love for our wives through what we do! Our love for our wives is supposed to be marked by giving, not getting – by serving, not by being served! Our words are to reflect our love and concern for our wives. Husbands submit to their wives by sacrificially giving of themselves for their wives. Gentlemen, when you do that, you earn your wives’ submission and respect! That’s what Paul is saying.

There’s another group of people in this room who right about now just might be thinking this is wasted time because there’s nothing in this for you. I’m talking about those who are single. You know what? Every Christian is part of a family. Even if you’re physical family isn’t around any longer, you’re part of God’s family, so these principles apply to you as well. The way you submit to Jesus and to your other family members demonstrates how much you value your faith. Even if you’re single, you can still be submissive by seeking to meet the needs of those around you. If we as Christians actually live biblical submission, all of our needs will be met and everyone else’s needs will be met as well. I’m convinced the number one reason people live with unmet needs is that Christians do not live out biblical submission in their daily lives. But there is hope – if we make the conscious choice to live out biblical submission and then actually do it, we’ll see the power of God the Holy Spirit poured down on us like we’ve never seen before!

Okay, that makes sense, but why focus on families so much? Because the family is a microcosm of the church – in other words, nothing can go on in the church that isn’t already going on in the family. If biblical submission isn’t practiced effectively in the home, it will be impossible to practice it effectively in the church. A church is made up of families, and if the families in the church are not healthy, then the church will not be healthy. The choices you make regarding living out biblical submission in the home will impact the entire church. We’ve all got to make the choice to be biblically submissive to each other, because it takes healthy families to make a healthy church.

Illustration – A Second Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul tells this story - Two brothers worked together on the family farm. One was married and had a large family. The other was single. At the day's end, the brothers shared everything equally, produce and profit. Then one day the single brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share equally the produce and the profit. I'm alone, and my needs are simple." So each night he took a sack of grain from his bin and crept across the field between their houses, dumping it into his brother's bin. Meanwhile, the married brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share the produce and the profit equally. After all, I'm married, and I have my wife and children to look after me in years to come. My brother has no one, and no one to take care of his future." So each night he took a sack of grain and dumped it into his single brother's bin. Both men were puzzled for years because their supply of grain never dwindled. Then one dark night the two brothers bumped into each other. Slowly it dawned on them what was happening. They dropped their sacks and embraced one another. These two brothers had a pretty good idea of what mutual submission in the family is supposed to look like. Let’s choose to learn from their example.

What Submission is Not

All of us have some pretty big fears when it comes to this whole concept of submission. We’re afraid of being stepped on, of being treated like dirt, of being bullied around. Those are legitimate fears, but they are realistic only if authoritarian domination, rather than biblical submission, is practiced. That being said, let’s go down a list of what biblical submission is and is not.

Biblical submission respects and treats other people as being of equal value in the sight of God. Authoritarian domination treats other people only as objects to be used for personal benefit.

Biblical submission respects and obeys God’s laws – it will never require anyone to break those laws. Authoritarian domination obeys God’s laws only when such obedience meets its needs, then it quickly moves on to doing whatever it wants.

Biblical submission asks for its most critical needs to be met. Authoritarian domination demands that all of its needs be met.

Biblical submission is selfless. Authoritarian domination is selfish.

Biblical submission is only possible through personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Authoritarian domination is possible when we ignore personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Biblical submission is Spirit-led. Authoritarian domination is Satan-led.

Biblical submission does what is best for another person, even if it causes that person pain for a time. Authoritarian domination does what is best for itself, even if it causes another person pain for no apparent reason.

You can see the contrast. We have a choice. It’s part of that whole good news package Jesus came to give us. We can find incredible peace and joy and life by living in biblical submission. Or we can find pain and misery and death by living in authoritarian domination. We have a choice. What’s it going to be?

Illustration - Eugene Kennedy, in Christianity Today (March 1, 1999, 64), wrote, Enjoying "spiritual feelings" without "spiritual ideas," of course, is what tacks the foam rubber onto the cross. Spirituality, under the modern template, does not brace one for suffering that leads to inner growth. Instead, it obliterates suffering by providing the musical equivalent of an injection from Dr. Feelgood.... Genuine spirituality makes demands on us, challenges us to overcome selfishness, to love from the depths of ourselves so that we may establish community with others despite our sinful human condition.

Conclusion

Have you been struggling with this whole concept of biblical submission? Has the pain caused by someone in your life in authority over you kept you from living out biblical submission in your own life? Are you living out your family life following the principles of biblical submission? Are you living biblical submission here at church?
What’s God been whispering to your heart this morning? If you’ve been falling short in this area of biblical submission, and you want His help in overcoming your fears and learning how to live in biblical submission, now’s the time for action. Take a step of faith, come forward, and pray. We’ll pray for you and with you, but you’ve got to take action first. Come forward and pray.