I'd never seen a man turn green 
Till that night on Jefferson Creek 
When Elmer Duvaal put a hole in his pal 
And used his finger to plug up the leak. 
 
'Twas Sammy McSlade that he stuck with his blade,  
And halfway through the thrust 
He remembered that Sammy was buying the drinks, 
An' th' deal was too good t' let bust. 
 
So quick as a wink and for want of a drink 
Elmer thrust his hand in the gash, 
And he patted Sam's head, and gently he said, 
"Sam, how're ya fixed fer cash?" 
 
Now Sam was a man who was gentle and bland 
And quick to forgive and forget. 
But this time his friend had done 'im a sin 
Which required that he settle th' debt. 
 
So, with flesh turnin' pale an' a horrible wail 
And the groan of a gluttonous man, 
He tightened his waist with a smirk on his face, 
And began to suck in Elmer's hand. 

The silence that grew you could have cut through 
With a blunt-bladed, bent butter knife. 
And the crowd gathered 'round made nary a sound 
While awaiting the oncoming strife. 
 
Then a tough-lookin' man named Dirty Dukes Dan 
Who was watchin' from back near th' door 
Heaved an ominous sigh like a man gonna die 
And collapsed in a heap on th' floor. 
 
Now it did take some time fer Elmer t' find 
Th' strength t' forget th' free drinks, 
But he finally broke free from his dreams of a spree 
As his elbow was startin' to sink. 
 
Well, a man's in a rut with his arm in a gut 
And a string of free drinks goin' by, 
So he gave a last plea for Sam's sympathy 
Then sat down and started to cry. 
 
But th' tears were too late, for the fat hand of fate 
Sped up Sammy's internal workin's, 
And before you could grin Sam had sucked in his friend 
With a series of spasmodic jerkin's.

Ol' Benjamin Flynn, th' bartender then, 
Had witnessed a thousand such rows, 
But he charged through th' room, grabbed a spittoon, 
An' filled it from deep in his bowels. 
 
An' Charlie th' Greek, with a tear on his cheek 
An' a pallor like that of dead men, 
Lit out on th' fly with a sickening cry 
As poor Elmer's ankles sunk in. 
 
Sam fell to th' floor with a horrible roar 
And gave a burp of great satisfaction, 
But soon realized, with violent surprise, 
He had acted and must have re-action. 
 
Doors were smashed open and windows were broken 
As men trampled men with a howl! 
Not one wished to be a witness, you see, 
To the "passing" of Elmer Duvaal. 
 
Now th' verse that you've read may mess up your head 
Unless you can read 'tween th' lines. 
'Cause Elmer was cotton, an' Sam was a bear... 
A teddy-bear, white cotton lined. 

Sheesh!

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