My life has been like a soap opera. With many rough roads. I learned at a very young age to stuff my feelings and not to trust others even if they said, they loved you. I went through most of my life in a fog not know why I felt so sad and angry.
After I married I started getting flashbacks. Sometimes it would be just a word or a look that would trigger a sad or angry feeling. I instinctively knew this was not normal or healthy. Out of desperation and wondering what my husband was doing at THOSE meetings he went to. I reluctantly started going to Al-Anon and trying to understand what they were talking about. The program talked about working on yourself, your own thoughts and feelings. Agh! I didn't like that! I was to use of blaming someone else or something else. NOW THEY were telling me to really look at my thoughts and feelings. Geez! I wasn't even sure I could feel let alone look at my own thoughts. I felt like running and hiding but I had been doing that my whole life and wanted to feel better.
Slowly I started thinking about what I was telling myself. How I was seeing things and trying to understand a little more about what I was putting into my own mind. Then it happened. I listened to a Melody Beattie tape on co-dependency. One statement that stands out in my mind even today. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks, does, or says. The ONLY thing that matters is what YOU are putting into you mind. IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER. From this point on I started understand better that what I but into my mind as far as what I was saying was the key to feeling better. At first I was not to thrilled about this profound idea. It was still easier to blame others. If they had only done this or not said that then life would be wonderful.
I started listening to what I was saying to myself. They were not kind or loving words. You dummie you should of known how to....well I finnally figured that out.....I am so stupid......if only I had done more...or been kinder...you know those kinda thoughts. No wonder I was not happy! This is when I started to change how or what I said to myself and it is a constant struggle. I put on tapes phrases that were loving and kind. So I could hear them and forum new and better thought patterns for my self. I knew I needed to make this change, even IF it was uncomfortable. I was so tired of being unhappy and angry at the world. This was the turning point for me when I knew I had to make the changes. I started by looking into my eyes in a mirror and saying. Janie I think you are a good person. I would repeat this over and over until it felt ok and then until it felt like I was responding back. Yes I AM a good person! This took months and months of repeating and listening to the tapes. Then I started with Janie I like you, you are a good person. I repeated this over and over until It felt ok and then until it felt comfortable. The next thing I did was a HUGE step for me. I again look into my eyes in a mirror and say Janie I Love You. I would repeat it over and over and over until I could feel ok with saying it. Then one day I was walking past a mirror and looked into it and could actually say without hesitating. Janie you are a good person and I Love You! Now I can look in any mirror and say Janie I Love You and it is ok to be who you are.
In 1992 I went to the hospital to have a turmor removed that was near my ovaries. While I was drifting in and out of sleep after surgery, I could hear my family memebers talking. One said, who's going to tell her? Someone else said, how are we going to tell her? I could hear my twin sister crying in the hallway and talking to someone on the phone, saying are you coming in? My twin told me that they had found Ovarian Cancer Stage IIC. I was so numb an still so groggie that I could not comprehend what was being said. She said I needed to have Chemotherapy. The last thing the surgeon said before I went in for surgery was that the blood test to show if a tumor were cancerous showed negative so we didn't have to worry about that. Well I was worried because as far as I knew Cancer didn't run in my family. My family was wondering what I was going to do. They knew I was not in very good health before I went in for surgery. When the Dr. came in he again told me they had found Ovarian Cancer Stage IIC but they had gotten all the cancer. He also said that I should have Chemotherapy right away. It didn't make sense to me at the time. If they had gotten all the cancer. Why did I need further treatment. I am a person who needs to know the facts to make a decision and this was not going to be any different. I told the Dr.I want all the records I want to understand what all stages and stuff mean. And then I will decide if or when I will have treatment. So that is what I did. I got my families help in gathering as much information as possible. Read it all a few times talked with others so I could understand why and what I needed to do. I decide after reading all the information that I would have the chemotherapy (8) cycles. I also decided to check out other ways to help my body heal. I knew I would need all the help I could get!
I never thought why me or this is the end. My point of view was, well I thought I was going this way. But now I am I have made a 360 degree turn, so let's see where and what happens. It may sounds strange to some. But deep down I have always looked for the why's in my life. When I would start a new job, or go to a new place I would thnk, well let's see where this adventure leads. I do know one things for sure. If I had not made those changes in how I thought or felt about myself. I would not have wanted to to survive Ovarian Cancer.
When I look back at the experience of having cancer and going through the surgeries and chemotherapy. I think of how much I have learned about myself and what wonderful changes this has brought into my life. I would not want to re-live a single year differently. For if I did I would not be the person I am now.
Blessings and Love
Janie *:)
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