Reading through the Japanese paper clippings of the latest sumo tournament, I glanced over the back of the clippings for any other items of interest. My eyes soon happened upon a picture advertisement for uniquely Japanese chairs, that I can perhaps best describe to you as "captain's chairs."

Both models of this amazing "Uoshuretto" chair, the ad proclaims, are to be sold "at very special prices for the next five days only."

These are no ordinary captain's chairs. The gadgetry built into these are ones that would make the chair more than worthy of gracing the bridge of even Captain James T. Kirk's starship Enterprise.

The cheaper, aptly hawked 'space-saver' model comes with a sporty "wireless remote control" with a veritable cornucopia of buttons. It is on sale for 98,000 yen, or about 950 dollars.

And for only $20 more, the "luxuriously functional type" model is a steal! This advanced model, obviously for those who take their leisure sitting seriously, comes equipped with 1.5 armrests, the one on the right one being larger and extending forward with a flip-up top concealing a bank of control buttons.

The buttons control a myriad of functions, guaranteed to give the greatest in pleasure and satisfaction to the user.

Now, you must understand, the ad doesn't exactly say "pleasure and satisfaction," but I have actually used a similar model at a friend's house while in Japan, and thus have firsthand knowledge.

Of course, I would never consider buying one myself, even if it were cheap! Just think of all the embarrassment involved in just going to the store to pick it out, not to mention taking it home and then having to explain its many uses to any uninitiated guests!

Wisely, this advertisement aids those overly sensitive prospective customers by offering a toll-free number, where orders can be placed with no embarrassment.

* * * *

What do the buttons control?

Well, for obvious reasons of good taste, it isn't exactly written in the ad, but if experience is any guide, at least one of the buttons certainly controls the temperature of the chair body itself, so one can keep it warm in winter and cool in summer. IN a nation where few houses have central air, this is an especially luxurious feature. The temperature control is accomplished through ingeniously engineered ducts that run heated or cooled water throughout the body of the chair.

(Water plays many wonderful roles--often simultaneously--in the functions of this amazing chair.)

Another button controls a small blower that sends warmed air onto carefully selected areas of one's body for the best in luxurious comfort.

Other buttons control the various mechanical devices built into the chair, such as the ozone gas releaser and the water jets.

As you might have surmised by now, one should undress at least partially to take advantage of its more advanced amenities.

I would go into greater detail, but this is a delicate subject, so my inherent modesty must prevail. Suffice it to say, the controls and functions of this "wonder chair" make for a more relaxing and enjoyable use of leisure time.

* * * *

These "Uoshurettos" are certainly a big hit in Japan, if you can believe the ad's claims.

This company, TOTO by name, claims to have already sold over four million units of this Uoshuretto line. I confess that this is a bit of a mystery to me.

If this were the United States market, I could perhaps see why some people might want to buy such a chair. In the privacy of their own room they could live out their latent Captain Kirk fantasies (i.e., pressing buttons on the control panel while shouting

"Scotty, it's out there--I can smell it! I m-u-s-t h-a-v-e MORE power to the shields!"

or

"Give me a reading on that mysterious mass, Mr. Spock."

or maybe even

"On my mark, fire a phaser burst at the main cluster of Klingons, Mr. Sulu....Wait a minute...wait a minute... NOW Mr. Sulu, NOW!!")

However, the fact that most Japanese have never seen a Star Trek episode (of any generation) doesn't lend much support to such hypotheses on its popularity.

A more valid explanation might be that the Japanese love new gadgetry as much as the next race, and these comfortable chairs--the last word in advanced gadgetry--may be well worth the thousand dollar price for wacky adventurous jet-setters.

Thinking about it a bit more, though, perhaps this TOTO company has it all wrong. Instead of selling these chairs in Japan, maybe they should consider broadening their horizons and exporting them to the States. Americans love gadgetry too, and there is the whole untapped Trekkie consumer market that could boost the sales through the roof!

Now that's an idea.

It might even get me employment too. Sales perhaps.

I could go around demonstrating the chairs, explaining their comfort and pleasure functions in great detail. I remember my own fumbling experience the first time I sat in one: not knowing which buttons to push--or not to push--and the correct sequence for the most gratifying results.

Especially that most important button of all.

With reassuring overtones I would be sure to clearly point out which button makes the amazing "Uoshuretto" flush.

© 1993, Louis A. Floyd