Being a foreigner in Japan has its less comfortable moments.

If you've ever been to Japan, you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure. You're on a train or walking down a street and kids begin circling like ravenous sharks, pointing fingers at you and saying things about your physical appearance.

Sure, they usually do it in pure innocence, not meaning to be cruel or vindictive, but it can get quite tiresome being put under a microscope. How do you cope with these situations?

Ignoring them, or feigning ignorance of the language (since if you didn't understand the language you presumably wouldn't know what they were saying!) is sometimes the best diplomatic solution, but it is not very satisfying, especially after numerous encounters. Conversely, slamming the offender or offenders up against a brick wall can be extremely satisfying, but may lead to other problems.

One of the best coping strategies can be repartees of observations of your own, that can lead to them being embarrassed.

But what do you insult when everyone has about the same color eyes, hair, and skin?

And how do you do it in a way that doesn't make you sound like a bigoted jerk?

Of course, there are always height, weight, or personality quirks, but pointing out these "flaws" lacks finesse (i.e., makes you look like a jerk).

You need a strategy more uniquely Japanese to make them squirm and wriggle uncomfortably like a legless cockroach in a hot frypan.

Going around to the three elementary schools in Nango, I got to know many of the kids, and they taught me a lot about the Japanese art of personal jabs. Playground teasing, if you like.

So what do Japanese kids say to make other kids squirm?

Easy, they just focus on subtle differences in the eyes, hair, and skin. In "homogenous Japan," these can be the most telling!

The key to making this strategy work is to make seemingly innocent remarks about their appearance--not from a foreigner's perspective, per se, but just as a disinterested observer making a seemingly casual observation.

This tactic works best when confronted by a group, allowing you to divert the feeding frenzy on someone else.

Divide and conquer!

Casual observation number one: "My, what dark skin you have!"

***IMPORTANT*** The key element to convey to the mouthy brat you've singled out is not the difference between your (the foreigner's) skin and his, but rather the difference between their skin compared to their peers! Otherwise you're just making a crass racist statement along with being a jerk.

I discovered the efficacy of this approach on an all-day 6th-grade outing to nearby Obi Castle. I was hanging around with four of the boys, Katsuhiro, Kazuhiro, Yoshifumi, and Hiroki for much of the day, and after touring the grounds, we played tag and sumo wrestled under the big cedars in the park. Then, while taking a breather, they began their feeding frenzy litany. I had heard it a million times.

I'm calloused to these sorts of things, but I like to give as much as I get--especially with kids I know--so I parried in like manner.

"Hey, I sure like your nifty crewcut, Yoshifumi!" (He's in Little League, where the crewcut is a requirement, as I full well knew!)

Grabbing Hiroki's arm, I scrutinized it intently, then looked up and pronounced to the group at large, "Not much hair at all. Must be lonely for them!"

Having got the comments nicely flowing in their direction, they happily continued on my lead. (Isn't this one of the most wonderful things about kids!?)

But I hadn't been expected what came next:

"Kazuhiro sure has dark skin, doesn't he!"

"Yeah, Mr. Furoido, have you noticed that?"

"Well boys, I did notice he was pretty tan for this time of year. He must play outside a lot."

"That's no tan! He's always that dark!"

Under our attentive gaze, Kazuhiro's face was turning an even darker color, though tending more towards the reddish hues. He kind of laughed self-consciously. He was definitely not enjoying the attention, but these were his best buddies, so he took it in stride.

I filed that strategy away as I got them playing again, which also got Kazuhiro out of the spotlight.

(Ninety-nine out of hundred kids you may come up against in these situations are really just regular good kids, there are times when an especially bratty kid can get on your nerves. If so, you can go for the jugular, adding something like, "You're a Korean, aren't you!")

Casual observation number two: "My, how white your skin is!"

Yes, just as surprising, the opposite holds true, too. Being lighter than the norm is just as embarrassing for a kid, so be sure to point it out when being engulfed.

My boss's youngest son is quite light-skinned. He's no albino, just pale. His classmates call him "ghost." It is no small insult.

Admittedly, the kid likes to read, and he doesn't catch the rays outside as much as he should, but he's still lighter than your "average" Japanese citizen. His two brothers are fortunate to be "regular colored(?)"

Casual observation number three: "My, what narrow eyes you have!"

When I was a kid in the 4th grade, we played war on the playground during recess. I always generaled my army, leading my troops--all tried and true--against my arch-rival "Squinty Eyes" and his army. We called him that for the obvious reason--he always seemed to be squinting. Besides, seeing that he really hated that nickname, it made us want to call him by it all the more!

In like manner, Japanese kids like to make fun of those whose eyes are "narrower." In other words, that extra flap of skin over the eyelids that makes for the "Oriental look" is more pronounced, so it looks like they are looking out of long narrow slits.

Shigeki, the Nango Little League team's top batter was often teased about his "narrow eyes." He didn't like it much. Since Shigeki was a friend, whenever one of the other kids would bring this "glaring" difference to my attention, I would just look at the insulter, then pronounce that "Hey, his eyes aren't any narrower than yours are!"

Shigeki would grin gratefully at me and say, "Yeah, that's what I've always said!" and they would both go off grinning.

Casual observation number four: "Have you colored your hair?"

You might think that all Japanese have dark brown, straight hair. And for 95% of the population, you would be correct. But there are those who stand out.

There's Toshimitsu for one. His hair has just the slightest tinge of red to it, and having known him for three years (since he was in 5th grade) I know for sure that he doesn't dye it. It's just a slight difference, standing out only enough to be noticed if you're really looking for it.

He is one of the most popular kids--and a good kid--so this "defect" doesn't seem cause too much embarrassment when it is pointed out.

Casual observation number five: "What small noses you all have."

The charm of this observation is that you can direct towards the whole group, turning an embarrassing moment into one of scientific inquiry.

After making observation number five, you need to get them all involved in a small experiment:

"Hey guys, I want you to try an experiment for me, okay? Okay. Now, cross your eyes. Okay now, can you see it?"

"See what?" they are sure to reply.

"Why your other eye, of course! I've noticed that most of you tiny-nosed Japanese have little or no nose bridge between your eyes, so I've always wondered if you could see your other eye if you looked cross-eyed. Well? Can you?"

The response should be a laughing negative, and you can then scratch your head in disbelieving wonder.

If you find that the above comments don't apply to the group you are fending off, there are other emergency stand-by questions you can ask, such as:

These observations may seem cruel--and I would never use them on friends of mine--but in those situations that require tactful, yet large-caliber weapons, these comments can neatly turn the tables and send someone else scrambling for cover. (As a foreigner in Japan, you can't hide anyway!)

© 1993, Louis A. Floyd