2. We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for the needy. We do not believe that the priesthood cook for anyone, except missionaries, and then its limited to ordering pizza.

3. We believe in tuna casserole with stale cracker or old potato chip topping, served in a Tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape on the bottom the reads Jones, Smith or Brown. And as a side dish we believe that green Jell-O with shaved carrot topping should be served at all church functions including funerals.

4. We believe that women should stop having children at 35, because 36 is too many.

5. We believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. But it is okay to watch professional sports as long as the athlete is a descendant of Brigham Young, a convert to the church or own a professional team in Utah.

6. We believe that drinking caffinated drinks is not a violation of the Word of Wisdom, as long as they are cold.

7. We believe that ward phone lists are good multi-marketing tools.

8. We believe that Sunday drives are okay as long as its not on a speed boat or dirt bike.

9. We believe in enduring to the end of the stake high counselors talk and nursery callings.

10. We believe that sleeping on the floor during conference is okay, after all, we can read every talk in the conference issue of the Ensign.

11. We believe that ex-mormons who write anti-mormon literature are going to hell.

12. We believe that sleeping during sacrament meeting is the highest form of meditation.

13. We believe in kicking our sons out of the house at 19 year old, sending them to a foreign country like Chili, Japan, New Jersey or Missouri for two years, and telling the them that they will return better men because of it. While at the same time, sending them dozens of stale cookies and wasting postage by mailing one shoe at a time. We also believe in sending young women away for 18 months when they turn 21, as long as they are not engaged to be married.

"Remember, angels fly because they take themselves lightly"

Brent M. Williams