A wretched cluster of rocks in the Med,

an Alcatraz of inbred procreation,

a dog-eat-doggie situation.

In these ozone-friendly shanty towns,

(with a frown)

we rip designer labels off our knickers

as we dine

on strict diets of fillet and wine

with our dyslectic yet foreign child

psychologists.

With those dolphin-friendly condoms

now expired,

let's find a dapper way to kill the time...

...delve deep in the sublime,

eat better than Ites,

booze faster than Brits,

(reduce ourselves to petty bits!)

or race our sleek four wheels

on autobahns like Huns.

And better still in perfect rendition

do all at once to thwart competition!

I gape and I wonder at the mainlander

from yonder

with camera, travel insurance and cheques...

...I curse at my flaws

as he shares a coke and two straws

with his mate.

'99 malcolm caire