I accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior about 9 months ago so I guess I would be what you call *heh* new to being a Christian.
When I was a little child I used to always go to church with my family...Dad,Mom, younger brother by 1 year and younger sister by 2 years. I don't recall much about church when I was kid accept I remember one of the Christmas plays I was in but I can't remember if I was a shepherd or what and then I remember
some songs like from vacation Bible school that song...I like vacation Bible school, I like vacation Bible school...and ahhh hmm that's all the words I can even remember to that song. Another thing I remember is I was always bored at church and I never wanted to go and neither did my brother. I asked my brother recently what he remembered from church and he said he remembered just bringing books to read because it was so boring. Anyways I'm not sure why we were going to church then but at around the age of12 my parents stopped going and so did us kids... I'm pretty sure my parents just made us kids go. We didn't care to be there.
I was a pretty average kid growing up I guess and I was always happy and had friends obeyed my parents and just liked to have fun. At the age of 16 something happened to me and I just completely changed. Of course I was a sinner before this time but whoa now it was like I just didn't care about nothing and I was gonna do everything my way. It started out with cutting school I just didn't care for it anymore I'd rather go party, steal, or do anything than be in school. I ended up dropping out of school the next year and my lifestyle just got worse but I was happy with the lifestyle I was living and saw nothing wrong with it. My parents tried helping me but I didn't think I needed help. I remember one time my dad catching me skipping school drinking beer and he hopped on the hood of my car while I was speeding off in that old toyota carolla wagon hatchback, then me slamming the breaks to throw him off the hood... ohhh so terrible. The next thing I know they've got me going to a psychiatrist and everything else but I didn't think I needed help I thought everything was great and I was happy... I didn't even care if my actions were hurting other people not even my family. My record as a juvenile was really thick from my arrests and I continued the lifestyle throughout my teens and early 20's and now sex was mixed in heavily throughout those late teens and early 20's.
I turned 21 in the casino and now gambling became another way for me to have fun. I got laid off from work and most people would be hurt by that but I was so happy to get laid off because now the thousands of dollars I had saved I could just party away and not worry about going to work anymore at 6 in the morning. I ended up basically moving in with my party buddies and we would party all day and night for like a year. Something started happening to me that year and I started feeling depressed and anxiety off and on and the only thing that even partly made me feel alright was the booze. There was often strange things going on in that house that would push the button to my anxiety and I thought the house was haunted and would become paranoid from time to time. I wasn't the only one... nobody ever wanted to sleep in that down stairs room by themselves.
But anyways... after about a year of straight partying I basically moved back in with my parents but the lifestyle stayed the same only now I was beginning to feel guilty for all of the bad things I had done and the party kind of lifestyle I lived. My friends must have started feeling guilty to because most of them went off to college and one went into the marines. I just went back to work off and on not working at one given place for very long. The party style still existed but now it was basically weekends and all weekend I would be drunk. I started feeling like my life was pointless and I felt hopeless about life and started looking for answers.
During this time I started exploring the internet and eventually I would end up in psychic chat rooms for a time. I started looking for answers and was reading some occult books and even went out and bought some tarot cards. I remember I printed like over 300 pages off the internet on how to give tarot card readings I was really interested and wanted to learn. While studying on these tarot cards though something told me it was wrong so I threw them under my bed and didn't tamper around with them anymore. I still would hang out in psychic chat rooms but something told me that it just wasn't right either. I'd pick up and read some of the Occult books I had from time to time and they would bring comfort to me each time I read some of them but what it was really doing was opening up even more darkness with those false teachings. Next thing I knew I dropped the psychic and tarot stuff and moved on to dreaming. I became interested in Lucid dreaming, O.B.E (outer body experience), channeling, and such. I laid in bed many nights knowing I could have left my body but I was fearful about what I was getting into. I started having thoughts that what if I left and I couldn't get back into my body and weird things like that. It's possible I may have left my body a couple of times anyway but I do not know if those were just dreams or if I really did it as both times I was hovering out in the living room heh. When we would go camping of course I'd be sinning away like the drunkard I was and I'd like to philosophize with other sinners about the point to life, why are we here, aliens, and all of that stuff. We all had different philosophies and boy were they all just big whoppers with evolution, universal power, we just appeared, a bunch of Gods, but never did I hear anything about creation by God and nobody ever mentioned Jesus Christ. Although most would seem to agree there is an afterlife but we'd all think we're all just going there no matter what just so we don't commit any huge crimes like murder, rape, and really big crimes but now I know sin is sin no matter how big or small the Bible says that all have sinned and fall short to the glory of God and the only way is through Christ... we can't work ourselves to God to be saved no matter how good we think we are without Christ.
Looking back before I got involved with this occult stuff I would often casually say I was a Christian when the topic of religion came up but I really wasn't. I claimed to be Christian simply because I went to church for years as a kid I didn't really have Jesus Christ. After the occult stuff I didn't even mention Jesus Christ but I knew deep down Jesus was the truth, the way, and the life but I was looking for an alternative because I knew sin was an issue with Christianity but I didn't want to give up sin I was looking for an alternative. What the alternative actually did was open up a darkness and I started becoming scared not of things of this world but things of another world. I felt as if there was demons or something tormenting me trying to harm my spirit and I felt as if I was all locked up with spiritual shackles and chains as if in prison. Numerous times I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking like I was having a seizure or something then being paranoid like there was evil presences all around me and this happened off and on through the years until I prayed the sinners prayer and accepted Jesus Christ into my life.
Drinking and the partying started becoming no fun anymore and it often just led to more depression but I kept up the partying anyways mostly weekends but there was some weekends I didn't even go out. To even cope with people I had to be drinking I felt strange around people when I was sober and if somebody would ask what was wrong with me I could just say I'm just really drunk that's all and try to hide my depression. One New Years my resolution was to start reading the Bible but I opened the Bible once and just felt lost while trying to read it and didn't read it the rest of year. The next year came and my New Years resolution was the same thing...read The Bible. The same thing
happened I opened the Bible but couldn't understand what I was reading it was like another language and I wouldn't really start reading the Bible until after I accepted Christ which was later in that year which was last year in 1998. My lifestyle continued through 1998 with the partying on weekends and what not but as far as all the dreaming stuff I had already done away with it because I knew that helped open the darkness I was in. I would pray at night and say Jesus I know you are the answer but I'm just not ready thinking I could get out of the mess I was in somehow by myself. My heart was hard and I wanted to get out of everything myself but I tried quitting drinking and my lifestyle but it just wouldn't last. I had never went over 2 weeks without being drunk since I was 16 and at this point I was now 24.
Throughout my 20's suicide would often spark up in my mind but someone once told me once that if a person commits suicide you go straight to hell so that was just out of the question...I thought well I'm screwed up right now but I don't want to be screwed up really bad in hell forever that's for sure. I thought for sure I was probably already insane and I would eventually just end up in a mental hospital...I had absolutely no hope, no peace & no life because I didn't have Jesus Christ.
In August of 1998 a friend called me up one Sunday morning to go cliff diving and I was really hung over from partying the night before and didn't feel like going but he talked me into it. After he picked me up I told him to go to the 7 eleven so I could get some beer to cure the hangover I had and I got a case of beer. The cliff jumps (into the water) were a little over an hour drive from my house but we first had to stop at his house because his girlfriend and her friend decided they wanted to go. We waited at his house for about an hour and I was buzzing pretty good because I had drank about 8 beers in that hour. Finally they arrived and we headed for the cliff jumps and I was drunk by the time we arrived with over a 12 pack in me at this point. We arrived at the cliff jumps and had all went off some smaller cliffs and I continued drinking beers to the point where I was
stumbling not knowing what I was doing. There's one cliff that's measured at 100 feet high and not many go off it but with all the beer in me plus I wanted to show off in front of Rueben's girlfriends friend I got the courage to sneak off and go take the trail that lead up to this high cliff. I had jumped off this cliff years earlier but I didn't have so many beers in me and my judgement was better then. Rueben had also jumped off this cliff years earlier but he ripped his shorts and got a water bubble in his butt or something and had to go to the hospital... we'd often joke about that over the years heh. Anyways...I got to the top of this cliff and looked down and immediately became nervous as well as the other few people who were also up at the top looking down debating whether to do it or not. A couple of the other guys who were up top debating whether to jump or not finally got the courage and jumped and everything went smooth for them now it was my turn. I knew I wasn't gonna back out even though I was very nervous and I stood on the edge and leaped off the cliff.
I remember my stomach dropping from that drop and my hands just going crazy in the air and I didn't see the water after I had jumped. The drop seemed so long then finally I hit the water but to my surprise I did a complete back flop into the water from 100 feet up. While I was under the water still my back and legs were numb and I was thought for a second am I dead? then I thought nope I wonder why I'm not dead? then I surfaced up to the water and everyone was screaming asking if I was ok.
The wind was knocked out of me and my back even though numb was killing me but I wanted to be tough and just gave a thumbs up signaling I was ok and I doggy paddled back to shore really slowly. I got out of the water and my back and legs were bright red as you can imagine and there was some nice size welts. People were in shock how I took that so well and I just sat down and went ohh it didn't even hurt acting tough but I also said I'll never jump off a cliff that high ever again. Everything seemed fine I lit up a smoke and opened another beer and just chilled for a while thinking wow that was nuts.
Probably about half hour later I was getting hot from sitting in the hot sun and decided to go into the water so I made my way down to a small cliff and jumped into the water. I jumped in the water and everything was fine I landed feet first off this small one and went back into the shore climbing up rocks to get to my smokes. When I was about 1/4 the way to where everyone was I got this head freeze and had to sit down because I had gotten those head freezes from biting into popsicles before but this was different. This head freeze lasted for about 10 minutes and I just sat there holding my head because it hurt. Finally it went away and I went back to where everyone was and explained this weird head freeze I had just gotten but didn't think much of it. After a few hours we headed home and I was feeling kinda funny like out of it but I just figured I was tired from such a rough day of drinking and landing on my back off of cliffs heh. When I got home I told my parents about what happened and they seen the welts and everything and now the back of my head was swollen which nobody ever told me at the cliff jumps. I told them I was fine it was no big deal and they were ok with that. During the week I started getting these headaches like I've never experienced and they were in my sinus area...and I've never had sinus problems or sinus headaches like this before in my life. The headache gradually increased and now a fever was starting to come on later in the week. I knew that cliff jump had to trigger what was going on but I just expected this headache and fever to just go away. The weekend came and I went camping with my parents and up camping it got really bad. The first not I was in pain but it was bearable and I hate going to hospitals I'd rather tough things out...I once fractured my ankle and walked around on it with it swollen huge until 4 days later until I was talked into just going to the hospital. The 2nd day of the camping trip came along and in the morning I awoke with the little sleep I had gotten and the pain was now getting bad and my eyes were becoming blood shot. I went and sat in the car for a couple of hours and was in pain to the point I was crying it was the worst physical pain I've ever felt and crying was something I felt just wasn't a manly thing to do at the time but I couldn't help it with
this pain and I didn't care if people saw me crying with this. I got out of the car and said I need to go to the hospital and my parents noticed my sinus area just literally swollen and throbbing and my parents drove me to the nearest hospital which was about half hour away and that drive felt like hours with the pain. We got to the hospital and sat around for the wait as I was in and out of there bathroom putting warm water on my forehead which was working very little but without it I would have been banging on walls for the doctor heh. Finally the doctor checked me out and my blood pressure was extremely high from the pain and the doctor couldn't figure out the reddish pinkish color to my eyes. He guessed it was sinusitus and gave us some antibiotic prescription and some pain killer prescription which I needed immedeately. We went and got the prescriptions while I was still in this unbearable pain and finally I got to the pain killers which settled in very comfortably. We went back to the campsite where friends and family were and camped that night. I decided not to leave the car because the camp fire smoke I didn't want anywhere near me and the pain killers had put me to sleep. That night I tossed and turned all night in the car in and out of pain and we departed for home the next morning. We arrived home and my headache was painful but bearable as it would be the rest of that day but now my fever was rising. The antibiotics seemed to not be working and the pain killers were having less and less affect so I went and saw the family doctor by Wednesday to see what was up. He did some tests for sinusitus and found an unusual color of mucus and said this wasn't sinusitus and he doesn't know what it is very unusual. I told him about the cliff jump and he just said I do not know. He gave me a new antibiotic and said if it's not getting better come back and see me. The days went by and the new antibiotic wasn't working and my fever was now getting higher and higher over the next couple of days and now was reaching temperatures at 106+. I was able to get the fever down to 103 before I went to bed the one night and didn't want my Mom to know how bad my temperature was getting because I didn't want her to worry. I knew my
temperature would rise back up while I laid in bed and I thought man I do not want to close my eyes in fear I might not make it to morning and that I am dying. I thought that night was it and I was not going to bed without asking Jesus for forgiveness for my sins and excepting Jesus Christ into my life.
I prayed the sinners prayer that night and cried asking Jesus to forgive me for all the wrong I had done and I prayed I want to change and do things your way from now on. I then asked God not to take me there's much I can do and to cure me from whatever this thing is that I had. That's it I was forgiven and accepted Jesus Christ our Lord into my heart and I went to bed in peace that night and I woke up that next morning covered in sweat from sweating out that fever and my headache was feeling better the next day. Over the next couple of days the fever was gone and the headache was gone and I praised God for that healing and everything He had done for me in my life. I realized there was plenty of other times in my life where I could have died but God didn't let them happen whether it be from overdosing on pills and falling down a flight of stairs as a toddler, slamming my head several times, my head underneath a truck wheel just missing squashing my head by inches as a kid, or alcohol poisining, God was there all the time. But anyways that was 9 months ago and I am now 25 years old. The first 9 months have not been easy but God always has a way of bringing comfort! what a great comforter He is. I've ran into confusion about the Word, love, wondering if Jesus dying on the cross and being raised 3 days later is enough? I was quiet about telling some of my friends that I was a Christian, the battles with sin why was I still sinning did I really accept Jesus into my life or not did Jesus decide not to forgive me? am I really saved? what's with all these different divisions? , and more. Before I get to all those question that God does answer in prayer first let me say this...with all these questions and confusion about my faith there's been greater peace than anything I've ever felt in my life. I've tried so many different routes to trying to find peace and it's something God just gives freely with His Grace. I know longer feel as if there's spirits out to get me, tormenting me as a matter of fact I feel just totally secure and I feel as if God just said stop it he's mine now even though Satan is always at it with his schemes but I'm starting to now recognize him. The depression I had through all those years is gone, the hopelessness has turned into hope, I now have something to live for and Jesus is everything to live for, the party lifestyle is gone and I quit drinking with the power of the Holy Spirit 5 months ago (but did slip once), people cannot believe I am a born again Christian and can't believe I don't drink no more either. I feel as if I can't do anything without God there's no other way...Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life and that is the truth. The past 5 months I've had a zeal for reading the Bible like nothing else I've ever had zeal for. God immediately had me in the word and I admit I was having confusion on many things and still am confused but God just keeps me in The Word and the confusion on so much God has cleared up by His word. I'm in The Word on a daily basis reading anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours a day and I've been through both the Old and New Testament now. After 3 months of being saved I turned all of my websites into Gospel websites but I really didn't know what exactly The Gospel was I just wanted to do something for what God had done for me but I also had in my mind that it would help me to be saved even more as if Jesus Christ just wasn't enough I was wrong about that. While I was reading Paul's letter to the Ephesians God led me to Ephesians 2:8-9 which says " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Then it goes on to say in Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." These scriptures mean so much and I found even greater peace when God led me to these scriptures. I realized *wow* God is giving salvation as a free gift! and I had been having confusion thinking well I probably gotta do something to work my way to salvation not knowing the meaning of the cross. What we do should come out of gratitude for what God has done for us not try to work our way to salvation. Our battle is with sin not trying to get saved more by working our way to salvation. Salvation is complete Jesus Christ's work on the cross was enough. What Jesus did on the cross is love. John 3:16 - For God so loved the world He gave His only Begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life...This is love. We can't work for Grace God gives it as a gift because He loves us and He makes it that simple. When we receive a gift we don't go...ok thanks now what do I owe you...no the proper thing to do is say thank you. It's all about the cross and we've got to pick up our crosses and follow Christ. I've had doubts off and on at first and I've just been taken it to God in prayer because He already knows every single one of our thoughts so it's important for us to be honest with God we can't hide things from God He already knows and He clears up things whenever we have doubts on anything. With all of my early on confusion with everything I prayed for knowledge and wisdom of The Word and God answered that prayer so far my mind doesn't feel like it's scrambling all over the place anymore.
At first I thought Iwould have to memorize the whole Bible to spread The Gospel or something but now I feel it's important to just tell others the Good News the best we can with what we know. When I look at the world I just plain and simple see the answer to the problems and that answer is people need Jesus Christ. Sin leads to more sin and more sin and there's a problem with sin and the answer is Jesus Christ...that's what he died for sin. Jesus Christ breaks the shackles and chains of sin and free's us from sin. We are no longer a slave to sin we are now slaves to Christ. We may still sin from time to time and I know I still sin but that's because I'm only human. God is making us like Christ as Max Lucado's books says...God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be...JUST LIKE JESUS. We are declared righteous and are being sanctified. We won't be perfect until Christ comes again until then we've gotta battle temptations and I realize the Christian life is not going to be a piece of cake and no where in The Bible does it say it will be but we must focus on eternal life and focus on Christ alone. We've gotta be good witnesses because there is a world out there full of unsaved people who do not know the truth and may have never heard The Gospel at all. It's been awesome so far watching God work tragedy into good such as the Columbine shooting. I thought it was just awesome how many people came to Christ during that whole thing...Hallelujah! and so many people turned to God and prayed it was just awesome. Another that has changed with myself is my language man did I have some dirty language almost every word out of my mouth was F this or F that and I can't remember the last time I said a curse word although I have cussed a few times. Church is awesome now I can't wait to go worship with fellow brothers and sisters in contrast to when I was a kid when I was bored. I think the church is the greatest way to witness we all have to come together. At first for the first 3 months I didn't think church was important now it's just so important and I really enjoy going to church. God gave me a talent with the guitar and even though I like the church I'm at now I'm looking for a church that needs a guitar player and also want to write some Gospel music. I'm not to up to date with Gospel music I do listen to a Christian radio station now so I can't play any Gospel tunes but I can learn. As far as me writing I want to just be an encouragement and want to tell others about Jesus that way and also encourage brothers and sisters in Christ and just worship God.
Of course I'm only 9 months into the faith and I believe I have much more to experience so I probably won't be writing to soon. I have much I can write though already so who's knows hehe just a matter of getting lyrics down on paper. I also feel I've been called into web evangelism and I want to spread the Good Word that way in any way Ican. I've got Link To Jesus right now but I've got bigger plans on a whole other website I want to get started after the millenium which will cost quite a bit of money to get started I figure but that's my goal to get that going and to save some money for it to give out Bibles and such plus I want it professionally done with cgi programming and the works and I'll have to pay some professionals to get that going since I know how to make webpages and how the web works but am clueless with programming and am out of date with html. I've finally got my motivation back to get back to work with much prayer and the website and spreading The Gospel is the motivation even though I haven't found work I am applying. I'm single, have no kids, still live at home with my parents, broke, but at this point I have got hope not only in this life but eternal life. I believe God will lead me into regular work soon and I do have pretty good patience. At 24 I used to joke around with people even though it was true telling them I look 24 but I feel like I'm 80 but now I'm 25 and I feel like I'm 18 a sober 18. God has given me a brand new start and all of those passed sins and all that guilt have been wiped away clean and I am happy again with much peace and I thank God everyday. I don't know what's to come in the rest of my life but I look forward to it especially eternal life and heaven I think that's just gonna be awesome beyond what we can even think of... so awesome. Just these last 9 months have been awesome I don't miss that old lifestyle at all. I wasn't worthy to be saved God loved a sinner like me and is transforming my life and even though I never committed murder or anything like that Jesus will no way turn away from anyone no matter what kinds of sins we have done. God has given us a free will to make that choice to invite Jesus Christ into our lives it's a decision we each have to make for ourselves.
