Note to self and readers: "A few days ago" is really a few weeks ago, but the proximity makes it sound better.

June 22 1999

A few days ago i had a rather startling experience. I was stopped in traffic in downtown Harrisonburg [Yes, we have traffic (mostly because of all the unnecessary stoplights)] when i heard a car in the next lane beeping at me. I turned around, expecting to see a friend waving hello. Instead, it was some out of towners who wanted directions to Applebee's. "You had Christian stuff on the back of your car so we figured you'd be honest," they explained. I noticed as they drove away that they didn't have Christian stuff on the back of their car.

Visibility can be a dangerous thing. I'm happy that those two noticed my Christian bumper stickers and my little fish symbol, but I also wondered if they noticed me picking my nose, or could hear that I was singing along to a secular radio station. There are times in my life where I definitely don't want someone to associate my words or actions with Christianity, but unfortunately we can't force people to only perceive what we want them to.

My friend Jon B. came over last night. He told me, "I was thinking about the Christian lifestyle and I decided I could do it. I want to do it." I wish i had that confidence all the time. The truth is, i don't.

I want to be a Christian when it's advantageous; when i'm in need or when i want to impress people with how spiritual i am. But sometimes i don't let the Spirit of God that lives within me to do Its work. Sometimes i don't even want to let It work within me. I want to be a good witness, of course. But i want my faith to go deeper than that, to be more than just "Uh oh! Somebody's watching so i'd better be good!" I need to use God's strength, and speak with God's words, and think with God's thoughts, but sometimes i'm not even sure how to do those things. Some say, "Pray harder." I've been a wuss in praying, i guess. I regularly pray to God for things or other people, but when i try to just listen i don't hear anything. Most often when God speaks to me its in the midst of something else.

I feel dangerous for saying these things. I feel like Winston Smith did in the book 1984, where simply by writing what he thought he felt like a criminal (Winston was later tortured and brainwashed, but i'll probably escape that harsh a punishment). I need You, God, to show me we can dialogue and have a meaningful conversation rather than just leaving messages on each other's answering machine. I need You, God, to show me how to tap into Your strength, words and thoughts when I realize i'm at the limit of mine. I need You, God.