To Kill A Mocking Al

II

Written by: Sean "Oxymoron" Miller

Censored/Revised by: Mike Stine

-Don't get a coke yet-

It has been many years since the titanic battle between Mocking Al (a very bad Al) and Oxymoron (a very manly man). The land of Cheeseoria had returned to normal (so to speak). A third Suicide Army has arisen from the ashes of the previous two. They are now supported by an elite group of half naked Greek warriors. Oxymoron has settled down in the capital city of Cheeseoria, San Freakville, where he has been leading an abnormal life. Yes all was peaceful in Cheeseoria.

Suddenly, Mocking Al returned. This time The Dark Queen, Heffer Bleebe, came along. They hired a bunch of Cheeseorian carpenters to build them a new straw hut stronghold (yes, we're still on a low budget). Within seconds, (hey, I don't exactly have all the time in the world here) the fortress was built. Mocking Al was quite disconcerted by his previous failure to gain control of Cheeseoria.

The king of Cheeseoria, Bike Swine, was well known for his extreme voracity. But even Oxymoron himself didn't expect Swine to take the kingdom's money and run.

Thus the unimpeachably hygienic Oxymoron took command. He quickly crash trained the Suicide Army in the art of cheesemaking.

The Suicide Army launched a massive assault on the straw hut stronghold. They set a new record by totally destroying themselves in a scant three seconds. (I really should have given them a new name.) And so the third Suicide Army went down in a mass of suicidal glory. (Lots of suicides here.)

In the spirit of the disgruntled postal worker, The Dark Queen sent Oxymoron a letter. (She, of course, used UPS.) It read as follows:

Dear Oxymoron the Moron,

I laugh at your petty attempts to stop me. I am all-powerful. You can never win. Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Your pal,

The Dark Queen

P.S. Ha ha!

There was a brief respite as the letter was delivered.

-Get a Coke now-

-Don't worry I'll wait-

After you finished your Coke, Oxymoron the Moron read the letter. This made Oxymoron mad. He showed his indignation by beating his head against a nearby wall.

Suddenly he recalled what his mother said a long time ago. Don't beat your head against that wall, you'll lose brain cells. Remember what happened to your father? You don't want to be like that do you?"

That made up Oxymoron's mind. He had devised a plan.

In the early morning Oxymoron snuck into the straw hut stronghold. He quickly tied up Mocking Al and The Dark Queen.

Al woke up. "No, not you again. Heffer master, wake up." yelled Al.

"Huh? What's going on here?"

"That moron tied us up."

Bleebe turned to face Oxy, "Do your worst!"

"Now, now, you know I'm supposed to get rid of Mocking Al first." replied The Moron.

Oxymoron pulled out a book entitled "Stories Designed to Torture Mocking Als".

"Hah!" laughed Mocking Al. "I'm immune to that puny fifth edition book of yours."

"But Al," said the Oxymoron, "this just happens to be the sixth edition." Oxy opened the book and began to read, "Once upon a fuzzy time in the land of Cheeseoria . . ."

"Okay," Oxy said while untying Al, "leave and never return."

Al got up to leave and tripped over Oxymoron's foot (of course). He stumbled, then fell, his head striking the unforgiving wall of the straw hut stronghold. Thus Mocking Al died . . . again.

" Huh!" laughed Heffer, "That book might work on Mocking Als. But I'm not a Mocking Al, you freak!"

"Jerk!"

"Hoser!"

"Loser!"

"Bozo!"

"Power Ranger wanna-be!"

"Your father wore chemises!"

"What?" said Oxy, thoroughly confused.

"Chemises! You know, women's undergarments."

"Hey, how'd you know?"

"What?"

"Never mind. We're getting off track," said Oxymoron. "You see, I know your one weakness." He pulled a dirty washcloth out of his pocket.

Heffer's eyes lit with fear, "Nooooo! Not that. Please NO! I'll do whatever you want."

"Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

He untied Heffer, "Okay, go and never return."

As Heffer walked out the door she tripped on the door jam and fell. Thus the Dark Queen died.

Oxymoron was crowned king of Cheeseoria and began his reign.

The End!

P.S. Keep an eye out for the next story in this epic series, "To Kill a Mocking Al-On the High Seas"!

These stories are the BOMB, aren't they?