To Kill a Mocking Al:
On The High Seas
Warning: This story is unsuitable for children under the age of ten and for adults over the age of nine. Drunken Sailors Inc. is not responsible for any injury, death, property damage, illness or anything else that this story causes. All text continued herein is copyrighted by D.S. Inc. 1996 all rights reserved.
-Buy Coke-
-Kill Al-
-Send me money-
-Get a haircut-
Cheesoria, a land of mystery, of magic, of intrigue, and of all out, full blown, Oxymoronic insanity. Welcome back faithful readers. It's time for an adventure. Drunken Sailors Inc. has produced the necessary funding to run a semi-low budget story. (Yea.) So sit down (If you aren't already) shut up, and read the freakin' story.
All was quiet in the land of Cheesoria and people went about their daily routines. [Like going to the bathroom, eating cheese, and picking their butt cracks.] It is nearly a month since Mocking Al of the clan Suckup (Ha! Ha! This story isn't for school so I can write whatever I want.) and his master the Evil Dark Dairy Queen Heffer Bleebe last attacked. Cheesoria has made a swift recovery. The second straw hut stronghold was burned down. Bike Swine came back after hearing that Mocking Al was killed. Several hundred women calling themselves the Prostitutes of the Amazon returned with Swine. However, none of the kingdom's money was recovered which lead the Oxymoron to the conclusion that he spent it on something. Although he couldn't put his finger on what. Despite that Oxymoron returned Swine's crown. (Please cheer.)
Shortly thereafter, Swine commanded the formation of a fourth Suicide Army. Bike then asked Oxymoron, who just so happened to be a really cheeselike artist, to create a poster advertising the position of Official Suicide Army Commander to all persons named Squid. The poster was then printed and placed on the front door of all persons named Squid (repetition is fun). Squid, of course, found the poster and applied for the job. Being the only person in Cheesoria named Squid, she was immediately hired (cheer everyone). And the Suicide Army gained a druglord named Squid.
Oxymoron the moron (In his manly wisdom) then trained the Naked Greek Warriors (See "To Kill a Mocking Al: 2") in the fine art of paper airplane building, repairing, and throwing. The Naked Greek Warriors then changed their name to the Royal Naked Greek Air Defense Force or RNGAD (pronounced rungad).
Then suddenly Cheesoria's peace was broken by a disaster. Paper airplanes were landing all over San Freakville (the capital city of Cheesoria and home of Oxymoron). The people panicked, the animals went bonkers, computers crashed, the town market closed, Bike Swine took the kingdom's money and ran (of course) the Suicide Army committed suicide, (That should come as no surprise) and worst of all the cheese factories stopped producing cheese (feel free to run and hide- but come back to finish the story).
The Oxymoron ordered RNGAD to mount a defense. They fought bravely for at least ten minutes. But then several got jabbed in the eyes by the paper death swarm. The other members of RNGAD saw this horror. It struck fear in their puny brains. They began to abandon their posts in large numbers. Soon all twelve Naked Greeks had run, leaving San Freakville defenseless.
Oxymoron was at a loss; he could do nothing to stop the massive paper assault. Then he recalled something his mother said to him a long time ago, "Your father and I have decided to send Christmas cards to all the people at work. So put your shoes on, we're going to Cheesemart to get some." Then he remembered something his father said, "Your bloated puss bag of an aunt sent us another one of her freakin' fruit cakes."
This gave Oxy an idea (don't ask me how, I just do the creativity and writing parts). He proceeded to gather up some planes that had landed in his front yard (and what a manly yard it was). He unfolded them and read the "This plane belongs to" tags. All of them had two names: Mocking Al and Heffer Bleebe. So Oxymoron found out who was behind the evil semi-nasty planes (not enough money to be fully nasty). Also on the tags were the coordinates of the launch point.
Oxymoron rolled up one side of the unfolded planes into a tube. On its side he wrote "telescope" and used a piece of sticky tape [better than unsticky tape] to keep it from unrolling (quite a manly idea if you ask me). He then looked due west through the newly invented telescope.
Almost thirty feet out from Cheese Beach sat a rubber raft [like a dingy]. Hanging from its side was a board with the words "Aircraft Carrier" painted on it. Sitting in the raft was two people. One was the fuzzy headed Mocking Al. The other was the dark queen-like Dark Queen Heffer Bleebe. Directly in between them sat a Cheesemart brand paper airplane maker.
Mocking Al and the Dark Queen were throwing paper planes as fast as they could to keep up with the Cheeseorian machine.
"That scum!" exclaimed Oxymoron in a cheesy superhero voice. "He thinks he can rain paper planes on my friends. Well, snot white the Manly Moron is here. Even now Mocking Al grows careless, thinking he has clenched victory. I'll show him who's stupid around here."
Oxy quickly devised a plan. He then phoned Squid the druglord. He told Squid his plan (no, you don't get to hear it yet).
He then hired some Cheeseorian carpenters to build him a one-man raft. That took almost five minutes. Oxymoron then dragged the raft down to the Cheese Beach. That also took five minutes.
At the beach he met Squid. They placed the raft in the water and jumped on (Squid isn't a man so the raft didn't sink). Oxymoron and Squid played paper, rock, scissors until nightfall. That took five minutes.
We'll take a short break while Oxymoron and Squid row out to Mocking Al's rubber raft carrier. [It should take about five minutes.]
-Get a Coke now-
-and while you're at it, get me one too-
-Don't worry, I'll wait-
After you, the reader, and me, the author, finish our Cokes, Oxymoron and Squid reached the carrier.
After docking they found Mocking Al and Heffer sleeping. They had been making cheese. You could tell because cheese was lying everywhere. Oxymoron ignored this and proceeded to tie up Al and the Dark Queen. They both woke up.
"Hey, what dat you doin' in 'ere?!" exclaimed Al.
"Well obviously he's here to dispose of us," said Heffer, "and I'm down right sick of being killed every time you screw up. I'm joining their side!"
"You traitor! Like they gonna let you!"
Heffer turned to face the moron, "Well, how 'bout it?"
Oxy thought for a moment, (If you want to go and get another Coke, feel free to do so.) "Yeah sure, why not?"
"You may have the Dark Queen, but you still can't kill me. I'm now immune to "Stories designed to Torture Mocking Al's", all editions."
Oxymoron merely laughed, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You fool, I don't need a book to torture you." He turned to Squid. "Do your stuff Squidster."
The druglord Squid took off her coat. Al saw her shirt and screamed. It read "A Squid hired to Torture Al's"
Squid opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by Mocking Al, "Nooooooooooo! Please! Get it away. You win moron. I'll do whatever you want."
Really?" said Oxymoron, quite surprised.
"Yes! Yes! Anything you say!" screamed Al.
"Okay," he untied Al and said, leave and never return."
As Al got up to leave he tripped on Squid's foot, losing some balance. That caused him to trip over the Dark Queen's foot causing him to lose even more of his balance. Then, of course, he tripped on Oxymoron's foot and fell face first into the water. The temperature change and the nasty smack the water delivered gave Al's system a real shock. But the real problem occurred when Al figured out he couldn't swim. Then, unfortunately for Al, several cheese sharks came and devoured him (Yes the sharks did die after several seconds). Thus Mocking Al of the clan Suckup was killed.
"So," said Oxymoron to Heffer and Squid, "have you girls ever made cheese three way?"
THE END
P.S.- Yes there is another story coming in the near future (Please cheer for me).
We at D.S. Inc. apologize for the cheap background, but it appears to be all we can do on our low budget. How 'bout sending us some money? We accept all major credit cards. I'm also sure that by donating to such a worthy cause, you can find some way to write it off on your taxes.