To Kill a Mocking Al:

Al Learns to Drive

A Parody of a Parody by the self proclaimed genius Mike Stine

Edited by: Mike Stine

Revised by: Mike Stine

Illustrated by: Mike Stine

Proofread by: Mike Stine's Computer & Mommy

Copyrighted by: Mike Stine

Note to Reader: This story is entirely original except for the parts that I took from other stories. I will accept no responsibility for any mind alterations that occur from reading this story. People who are pregnant, have heart trouble, are prone to seizures, have a preexisting mental disorder, or are less than five feet high should not read this story. Even though Oxymoron the Moron has a preexisting mental order he may read on because I can't do much more damage.

Second Note to Reader: You may find having your teeth pulled without Novocain more enjoyable than this story. While reading this story you may occasionally want to burn things. This has been found to not be a lasting effect, and should subside within a few days.

Once upon a time in the psychotic land of Cheesoria, there were half-naked Greek warriors. These warriors were under the service of the not so powerful and moderately insane king Oxymoron the Moron. Like all citizens of Cheesoria they could belch the national anthem, and polka while wearing loincloths. What set these men apart was their inept ability at cheesemaking. They served their king faithfully and thought nothing of what the king asked them to do. (These obviously were not the brightest of men.)

It had been many years since the Mocking Al Incarnate: Symbol of Patheticness (His friends would call him Mocking Al, except he has no friends other than the Dark Queen. And she only calls him, "Hey you, you pathetic excuse for a human being . . .") had last died. Since then Oxymoron had wed and had a child. (Please have a barf bag handy before you picture this.) He was named Oxymoron the Moron Jr. It had also been years since his tragic death.

Partly due to the urging of his father, Oxymoron the Moron Jr. joined the suicide army. How proud his father was the day he brought oblivion upon himself three seconds before anyone else in the regiment could. Then a thought occurred to Oxymoron. "I bet if I trained the suicide army they would become the best suicide army in all of Cheesoria, especially since there are no other suicide armies in Cheesoria" And so he did. After a few unsuccessful tries, Oxymoron got a regiment to kill themselves so quickly that they had their body parts strewn about the training area before Oxymoron even taught them how to kill themselves. "If only all people were that easy to teach." thought Oxymoron.

(Don't bang your head against the wall yet, I'm just beginning my story.) Last year while Oxymoron was training his suicide army, Mocking Al appeared from out of nowhere. He ran to the border of Cheesoria where he wouldn't be noticed. He decided to send a letter to his one and only friend, The Dark Queen. It read something like this:

Dear most evil Dark H. Queen,

Somehow I find myself to be alive and would like for you to join me as soon as possible. Once you are here we can discuss plans to overthrow the kingdom of Cheesoria, and I can get my revenge on that baffoon Oxymoron the Moron. I am going to get my driver's license so that I can carry out my revenge on Oxymoron much quicker!

Your friend,

Mocking Al (Hey you, you pathetic excuse for a human being)

P.S. Send money to me. (Western Union, please.) It seems that I have grown since the last time I was alive, and the clothes I have now give me the biggest wedge.

Fortunately for Al, The Dark Queen sent him money as soon as she got his letter. Unfortunately, the letter was lost at the post office for over a month. Apparently his letter was being sorted when ANOTHER disgruntled employee came in and shot the man that was holding his letter. The letter had to be confiscated for evidence, and well you know the rest.

Meanwhile, the former king of Cheesoria, Bike Swine, returned to his native land. He was worried that the citizens might be mad at him for taking all of the money in the nation's treasury and running off with it. But then he remembered that the people of Cheesoria weren't that smart. Then a report later confirmed his suspicions. All the people of his former kingdom had since joined the suicide army. Oxymoron, however, welcomed Swine back into Cheesoria with open arms, because he enjoyed the company of a fellow mercenary/moron. (Death to the person who reads this sentence.) Not since the old days had he come across a man with less intelligence than he had. It made him envious of Swine, but he figured he could learn some things from him about being stupid, psychotic, and completely moronic. Swine brought with him a whole platoon of completely naked Greek dudes, skilled in the art of cheese making and flatulence. Swine had searched the world over for these men, and he was very proud of himself. He was still awestruck, though, when Oxymoron told him of the new record he set with the suicide army.

During the happy reunion of Swine and Oxymoron, Mocking Al was teaching himself to drive. When he first got in the car; the Cheese mobile, the slowest car on earth; he couldn't see over the dashboard, for even though he had grown, he was still very short. So after putting three pillows, a World Literature book, a bed mattress, a box of rusty nails, a television set, and a magical man from mushroom land on top of his seat, he could finally see over the dashboard. So he went to turn the car on. After going through fourteen different key chains with twelve keys on each of them, he came to the right key. So he went to pull out. But he had another problem. (Of course.) He couldn't reach the pedals. So he sat and thought. And smoke started to roll out of his ears. And the smoke eventually filled the car, so he had to get out. He tripped on a stick on his way out. This gave him an idea. He would push the pedals with a stick. So he did.

Unbeknownst to Al, Oxymoron had applied for his CDL license a few months ago. (And since he was the king he also got his CDL license a few months ago. Like, no test or anything.) So he was already experienced at driving a tractor-trailer. So to speak. (Poor Mocking Al.)

Finally Al was ready. He pulled out of the driveway and onto a busy highway. Al started picking up speed on the highway. "I'm finally going to defeat the idiot Oxymoron." thought Al. "I'm going to run him over and then brake as soon as my back tire is on top of him." Al wasn't paying very close attention at this time. He did finally notice a stoplight coming up ahead. Al reached for the stick. He went to push it down on the brake, but it snapped in half like a measly twig. "I guess that's what I get for using a measly twig," thought Mocking Al. So he couldn't stop now. (A long pause here is appropriate for drama, so you may now go to the bathroom. But be sure to come back and finish this mind numbingly boring story.) Okay, you're still reading this. You're not very bright, are you? Anyway Al was speeding towards a stop light with no brakes. With nothing left to do he pulled off the road and into somebody's yard. He plowed right into a wooden cut out of a fat lady bending over, and came to a stop in the middle of the bushes.

"I just heard some idiot ran off the road, near the border of the country." announced Swine to Oxymoron.

"It must be my arch nemesis, Mocking Al. Only he would be smart enough to do something like that. Apparently I haven't killed him as many times as he thinks I should. What a fool he is. I bet he's teamed up with that nerdy Dark Queen again too! I'll have to dispose of both of them once again." and so Oxymoron ran off to get his supplies.

By now Mocking Al had another idea. He would learn to drive with the Dark Queen. While sitting on her lap he could over the dashboard, enough at least so he could see the road. And so he began his lesson. Al speeded down the highway once again. This time he had tied large boxes to his feet so he could reach the pedals. He came to the stoplight and actually managed to stop this time. Another car pulled up beside Al. The driver revved his engine, as if he wanted to race. Al revved his engine back at the other driver and waited for the light to turn blue. (Hey, who said you had to have the same colored stoplights in Cheesoria.) The light turned blue and the car along side of Al tore across the intersection before Al could reach the accelerator. Al still followed in pursuit, but soon after was overcome by exhaust. Mocking Al knew he had lost but vowed to get revenge on the drag racing driver. "You'll see what happens when I overthrow the kingdom and throw your pathetic Power Ranger wanna-be butt into my own personal torture chamber." (You can see Al really was a disillusioned psychopath, just as everyone said he was.)

"Chill out!" said the Dark Queen. "Besides, I have I better idea. Okay, here's what I'm thinking. We are all alone in a car. No one else is around us. So what do you want to do?" (Another pause for drama is appropriate here. Also a warning to parents: the next sentence may not be appropriate for children under the age of forty-five.)

"Make cheese!" screamed Al in excitement. "I've waited my whole life to make cheese."

"That's exactly what I was thinking." replied The Dark Queen. And so they did. What kind of cheese did they make you ask? Well, first of all, I say you're getting pretty nosy, but I'll tell you anyway. (Please don't picture this.) They made Extra Mild Cheddar cheese. (You pictured it, didn't you.)

Since this time, Oxymoron the Moron had loaded up the Wiener mobile and was ready to take off in his seventeen wheeler. (One was flat, okay.) Swine followed him closely on his tricycle. (Okay maybe that sounds a little too unbelievable. He still had his training wheels on.) They went as fast as they could to the outer boarders of Cheesoria. Oxymoron wanted to quickly bring Mocking Al to his untimely demise once again. It had almost become a sport to him. He told Swine of his plans, but I'm not going to tell you what they were, yet. He came across Mocking Al and The Dark Queen making cheese a second time.

"Oh no!" cried Mocking Al. "It's that loser Oxymoron the Moron and his equally moronic friend Bike Swine! They're not going to catch me this time though. I can drive now." Al hit the gas and started driving away. Fortunately, Swine caught up to him on tricycle. "Ha!" Al announced to the Dark Queen. "He may be able to catch me but he doesn't have the stamina that a car does." Just then the car stopped abruptly in the middle of the road. Smoke poured out from under the hood, and it was obvious that the car would go no further.

Swine jumped from the speeding tricycle on to the back of the car. The tricycle hit the back of the car and bounced off. Swine proceeded to climb over the car, on to the hood. He took a small paperback book out of his pocket and began to read. "Once upon a fuzzy headed time, in the land of Cheesoria . . ."
"Your pathetic attempts to stop me won't work now. I have become immune to all "Stories designed to torture Mocking Al's" books. No matter what edition it is it will have no effect on me." So Swine stopped reading. "Now it is time for plan two." he whispered into his secret microphone to Oxymoron. "Al, turn on the radio." Swine yelled to Mocking Al through the windshield.

"And that was another song from the "Songs Designed to Torture Mocking Al's" album." came the voice through the radio. "Next up is "I'm Tired Of Being a Mocking Al So I'm Going to Teach Myself to Drive Blues"

"NO!" screamed Mocking Al. "Anything but this!" He tried to turn off the radio but the knob wouldn't budge.

"Oh, and in case you're just tuning in," came the voice through the radio, "Once you turn this station on, you can't turned it off." Al was so distracted that he didn't notice Oxymoron backing up the Wiener mobile. The next moment the Wiener mobile struck the back of Al's car and sent it careening down the hill that it was peacefully resting upon. Swine had gotten off the car and onto his tricycle once again. He raced ahead off the car to the bottom of the hill.

With the car racing towards him he proceeded to carry out the next part of the plan. He stuck out his foot. Al had regained what senses he had, for the moment and was trying to steer the car. He tried to swerve around Swine's foot but still struck it. The car went wildly off into the field to the left. The car struck a tree and unfortunately Mocking Al was killed instantly.

By using Mocking Al as an airbag, (ain't that what he is anyway) The Dark Queen was able to survive the crash. She climbed out of the car, only to walk into Oxymoron and Swine. "You have no songs to torture Dark Queen's so you can't do anything to me." she proclaimed.

"Yes it is true that I have no songs to torture Dark Queen's, but I have something just as good. I have discovered every woman's weakness, chocolate cake."

"NO! Not that!" But it was too late Swine and Oxymoron had both pulled out a triple layer, double fudge, chocolate cake. "Give me some!" cried The Dark Queen as she sprinted toward them. Unfortunately, (for her at least) she didn't notice Oxymoron stick his foot out. She tripped over it on her way to gain possession of the cake. She fell and hit her head on the tree next to where Mocking Al had died. She also died, all because of her lust for cake.

"Half naked Greek dudes!" yelled Oxymoron the Moron. "Come and clean this mess up! We don't want their corpses to stink up our countryside. Throw them in the water supply so no one can smell them!" And so after restoring peace to the country of Cheesoria, Oxymoron the Moron returned home. He named Swine second in command of the entire nation because of his heroic deeds. And everyone lived happily ever after, until Mocking Al returned from the dead, again. . .

THE END

Finally we have enough money for a decent background. We thank you all for your support. Please remember, when the IRS comes to audit you, Drunken Sailors Inc. is a non-profit organization designed for the betterment of humanity through at the expense of pathetic scapegoats like Mocking Al.

A real mode of transportation.