To Kill A Mocking Al:

4.1

Note to reader: (Of course) Mocking Al is terribly crude, and uses coarse language often. You must overlook his crudeness and concentrate on what a pure idiot he really is. You must also look deeper into the story for excellent uses of allegorical meanings, antithesis, apostrophes (and commas), and dynamic character.

Warning! Do not read this story if you plan to criticize it, constructive or not. I've been known to lash out and kill those types of people. Unfortunately, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies, and your body is so pathetic that it isn't worth hiding. So I'd probably just run you through the garbage compactor, and stuff the rest into a garbage bag and set you out on curb. You've been warned!

Oxymoron the Moron sat on his throne as usual. Outside Bike Swine, his second in command, was training the half-naked Greek dudes in the fine art of playing music on your armpit. (Ever try it? It's real complicated, hence the fine art bit.) Oxymoron was a bit miffed. After several tries, he still hadn't been able to match his record with the suicide army. They just couldn't seem to kill themselves fast enough anymore. It seemed to Oxymoron that the people in his kingdom were getting dumber. Plus enrollment in the suicide army was down. What in the world is up with that! It wasn't like they were all dying of old age. (Think about that.) People seemed more interested in making cheese than committing suicide. (Got it yet? Shame on you, you must be really dumb.)

Oxymoron the Moron came up with a way to boost national morale, and make a plea for people to join the suicide army. He decided to hold a press conference. He decided that he would make it televised and sell commercial spots to major nationwide companies such as Electronic Nosehair Trimmers Inc., Flannel Loincloth Inc., Cheesicola Inc., and of course NO-GO Auto Industries. (Not Inc.) He decided that any money made from the advertisements would go directly to he and Swine's pockets.

He called Swine in from the training area and told him of his plans. "That's a great idea." replied Swine. "I still have payments to make on my stereo system and I could use the extra money."

"You dolt. I'm not using this as an excuse to get more money. Besides the kingdom could afford to pay you more if you hadn't ran off with all of the kingdom's money a few years ago. The suicide army is getting small."

"Well maybe we should use incentives." replied Swine. "We could say something like one in every fifty that signs up for the suicide army gets to kill themselves with a hand grenade. Or better yet one in five hundred gets to kill themselves by driving a car off a cliff. We'd use rental cars of course"

"That's a great idea. I'll schedule the conference for tomorrow night."

Outside the city of San Freakville, the capital city of Cheesoria, strange things were happening. Out of the city's water supply rose two things. They were so covered with mud and other various things (you decide what else) that you couldn't tell whether they were man or beast. "Yes!" came a voice. "Phase one of my plan has been successful."

The one figure tried to speak but only mud flew out of its mouth. (I guess that means it wasn't beast.) The unknown person tried to wipe the mud off the face of the shorter person. Suddenly he yelled, "OXYMORON, I'LL GET YOU!"

The third unknown person not in the mud told him to be quiet and began to wipe the mud off the face of the other person. The person told them to get in the truck that was parked nearby. They were too disoriented to argue, so they followed the person to the truck. "I have a plan to get rid of Oxymoron and that bumbling idiot Swine for good. And I think you two are just the two people to help me." (The person, the person, the person. Kind of annoying isn't it?)

There was a commotion on the practicing field of the suicide army. One could see arms and legs and other parts (think about what that could be) scattered about the practicing field behind the podium. Suddenly the half-naked Greek dudes started belching the national anthem. The rest of the people there stood at attention and started belching the national anthem also. When sung, (but nobody ever did, they only belched it) the anthem sounded like this: "All hail Oxymoron the Moron. In his stupor he founded The New Republic of Cheesoria. None equal his psychoticness. His half-naked Greek dudes will put your butt in place when you break the law. If one could be the conqueror of the Mocking Al it is he. He saved our butts many times before. He'll do it again too. All hail Oxymoron and buy cheese." The tune to the song (belching or singing) sounded about as melodious as listening to someone puke on a hardwood floor.

After the not-so-melodious belching was finished, eight men rushed onto the platform in loincloths and began to polka. Of course the loincloths were flannel, the national color. And all of the citizens of Cheesoria can see the hidden national crest inside the flannel pattern. The national crest is of a man plunging a knife into his head, while eating cheese. (You can't plunge a knife into your head without eating cheese, can you? I certainly can't.) Oxymoron the Moron walked out and stood behind the podium. "I am here to address a serious issue tonight. Enrollment in the suicide army is down. Without the suicide army our country would be in a serious state of affairs. (And serious is bad.) I'll tell you what would happen after these messages from Super Sticky, the glue company that is environmentally friendly, by not using horses to make its glue."

(You may go to the bathroom and get a drink now. This is one of those long commercials that take something like a half an hour.) (You got back too early. You'll have to listen to some commercials.) "That's right! Cheesicola is the only official cola that tastes like cheese. Don't be fooled by those other imitations. Buy the Real Thing." "Electronic Nosehair Trimmers Inc. would like to ask you when the last time was when you trimmed your nosehairs." It shows people with really long nosehairs. One person has his nosehair braided and hanging halfway down his face. Another shows a woman walking. She keeps tripping over her nosehairs though. The final shows a person with their nosehairs tied together at the end and jumping roping with them. He steps on them and pulls them out. He instantly grabs his nose and falls to the ground in pain. "Do yourself a favor. But an electric nosehair trimmer." Then it shows a man using his ELECTRIC nosehair trimmers near WATER. (I don't think I need to paint a picture for you.)

"And we are back." says Oxymoron. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, (Ha ha) this country would fall apart without the suicide army. The suicide army strikes fear into the hearts of all of our enemies and they won't dare attack our glorious country of Cheesoria." Suddenly the signal fades. Oxymoron keeps talking, but you're not there, you are only watching this on TV. (You didn't think the commercials came to the people that were watching Oxymoron live.)

The signal comes back on your TV. But it isn't the same image as the one you were previously watching. It is of a woman. (No, Oxymoron hasn't become a woman!) She speaks, "This is Squid. I am monstrously evil. I am now declaring myself leader of this pathetic nation. Without the suicide army to protect you, nothing will prevent me taking over San Freakville and destroying your half-naked Greek dudes' academy. Then I will set up my new capital, Schist, and declare this nation Rockville. (For the uniformed, schist is a type of metamorphic rock.) I will take away all of your cheese and flannel. Then I'll take away your nose hair trimmers and your nosehairs will grow until you trip over them."

She says something to someone behind her and then continues, "In case you were wondering how I'm going to do this, I have resurrected the two greatest people to ever try to take over your nation." Mocking Al and The Dark Queen step in front of the camera. "You may recognize these two people. They are the esteemed Mocking Al, and the equally devious Dark Queen. I'll be waiting for your surrender. If you need to contact me you can reach me at this address. In care of Squid, 123 Squid Drive, Squidville, SQ, Cheesoria, 12345." After this, the signal fades.

After his press conference, Oxymoron found out that his speech was not broadcast in its entirety. "I ought to have your head for this," said Oxymoron to the network executive. He ordered the half-naked Greek dudes to bring the guillotine, but the executive went on to explain what happened. "That very bad Squid type person, I'll have to have her head. Half naked Greek dudes, bring me my pen." (No, he wasn't going to cut off Squid's head with a pen. He was going to write her a letter.)

Dear evil Squid type person,

I am very unhappy to find out that my press conference was interrupted. Since the commercials during the press conference did not air, the sponsors want their money back. Because of this, Swine and I have decided to sue the pants off you. Swine had payments to make on his stereo and the repo man is knocking at his door. As far as taking over the country I laugh at your pathetic attempt. Apparently you didn't do your research very well. I have defeated Mocking Al and The Dark Queen every time they have attempted to overthrow the kingdom.

I laugh in your face,

Oxymoron the Moron

P.S. Keep an eye on Mocking Al and The Dark Queen. Before I killed them last time, I caught them making cheese! The cheese didn't even taste good. (Yes I did eat it.) I think it was poisoned or something because when I gave some to my pet guinea pig, Killer, it died two seconds after smelling it. (Be sad here.)

Oxymoron had the head half-naked Greek dude, Bean-O, deliver the letter to Squid. (The postal system in Cheesoria collapsed after another disgruntled employee killed all the employees of the only post office in Cheesoria. Since mail delivery was a fine art, no one else knew how, it is lost forever.) Bean-O walked up to the opening of Squid's mud hut stronghold. (We got a higher budget now, but still can't afford doors.) He saw Mocking Al and the Dark Queen making more cheese, Gouda this time. Bean-O was hungry so he swiped a piece of cheese off the table, without the imbecilic Mocking Al or Dark Queen noticing. It tasted horrible. Bean-O spit it out and ran away from them as fast as he could.

Bean-O later returned when he realized that he had forgotten to deliver the letter. This time he heard Mocking Al and The Dark Queen singing a song called "Ballad of the Squid". It was on key yet. (A very horrible crime in Cheesoria.) He had yet to see the notorious Squid. He saw a large metal object hidden behind the mud hut stronghold, but paid no attention to it. (So I guess it didn't help to say that. Or did it?) Bean-O tripped on his return from the mud hut stronghold and got amnesia. Forgetting how to get home, he wandered around until he came upon a sign that said "San Freakville two miles." He turned in that direction, and started walking. (He couldn't remember how to read completely but thought it said "Stupid Freak two miles", and he immediately thought of Oxymoron.)

Squid immediately became enraged when she read the letter that Oxymoron had sent. She thought The Dark Queen and Mocking Al's cheese tasted good. Of course that only goes to prove how demented she really was. She decided to launch her attack at once, while the enrollment of the suicide army was down. (Ha ha! I'll let you in on this in a moment.) She grabbed all of the cheese left in the mud hut stronghold and put it into her car. She started to wind the car up and then yelled to Mocking Al and The Dark Queen to get in the car. They came out a moment later, their hands all covered with cheese. "What should we do with this?" asked The Dark Queen.

"Lick it off," said Squid. "Now help me wind this thing up. The winder-up thingy is rusted up again."

"Can't we get a car that runs on actual fuel?" whined Mocking Al.

"Do you mean like that piece of junk you learned to drive in, in the last story? That thing wouldn't travel a hundred feet without breaking down. Besides, it pollutes the air. Everyone on this pathetic planet is going to suffocate themselves in air pollution one of these days."

"Well, at least let me drive," said The Dark Queen. "Al could go faster in the Cheesemobile even when he had to stop and repair it every hundred feet. It took you three weeks to travel the two miles from the city water supply to here!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"That's it! I'm going to kill you now!" Squid yelled. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she looked like she was concentrating really hard. Suddenly, The Dark Queen started to shake violently, as if attacked by something from within. She grabbed her temples and then simply slumped over.

"Wow! Could you teach me how to do that?" asked Mocking Al.

"Maybe some other time. Now get her body out of the car."

"I'm really going to miss making cheese with her." Al said. He then kicked her body out the door. The empty shell that was left of The Dark Queen hit the ground with a thud. Squid hit the gas and ran over the body. She left bloody tire tracks for about a hundred feet. "Hey, this glove that I had on got her blood on it. Now all of a sudden it doesn't seem to fit."

"If it doesn't fit, then you must acquit. Oh, sorry, I was thinking of something else."

Thanks to Squid's threat to take over the country, the suicide army's enrollment was now higher than ever. Outside, on the practicing field, Oxymoron the Moron was showing them the proper method of disembowelment. (Talk about guts!) Bean-O had since regained his senses and was teaching the half naked Greek dudes how to defend yourself when you are completely naked. (Is there a way?) Swine was throwing a tantrum because the warrantee on his stereo had just run out, and the darn thing wouldn't work.

Suddenly, a cloud of dust rose in the distance. It was Squid! (She was even breaking the speed limit of 300 miles per hour.) (Hey, the people of Cheesoria are fools. Why can't they raise their speed limit to 300?) The suicide army ran out to stop her. They drew their swords, and (guess what) stuck them in the ground. (Guessed wrong. Didn't you?) Then they fell on them. (Okay, maybe you were right.) This of course didn't hinder Squid the least bit.

Mocking Al and Squid stepped out of the car. Suddenly Bean-O stepped up and handed Al a yo-yo. "Ha! What is this going to do?"

"Use it and find out." And so Mocking Al, being the asinine person he is, started to play with the yo-yo. He quickly became tangled in the string.

"Help me Squid! I'm caught!" Al yelled. But it was too late. The string pulled his two legs together and he lost his balance. Once again Mocking Al landed on his soft head, and LIVED. (Fooled you, didn't I?) Al got back up. This proved to be his mistake. As he tried to hop over to Squid, Bean-O tripped him. And Mocking Al fell. And Mocking Al died. (But are you sure?)

Swine then walked up beside Oxymoron the Moron. Oxymoron began to laugh uncontrollably as he, Swine, Bean-O and all of the half naked Greek dudes pulled double fudge, triple layer chocolate cakes from behind their backs.

"What's so funny?" asked Squid.

"WHAT! No female can withstand chocolate cake! You can't be human!"

"That's right. I'm not. I'm an alien. (Hence the large metal object behind the mud hut stronghold. Weren't expecting that, now were you?) As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to smash your brain, just like I did to The Dark Queen." Her eyes rolled back into her head, and once again she looked like she was concentrating really hard. Then a look of frustration came across her face, and concentrated even harder.

Oxymoron laughed hysterically. His face turned bright red and then got almost a purplish tint to it. Swine fell to the ground because his sides hurt so much. Half of the half-naked Greek dudes were already hiccuping because of laughing so hard. "You really must be an alien, because if you were from Cheesoria you would know that all of its people have no brains." (You DID expect this didn't you?)

Oxymoron pulled an aerosol can. The label on it said SQUID OFF. He sprayed it and Squid shrieked. She stumbled backwards and rubbed her eyes. Swine stuck out his foot and Squid tripped. She tumbled head over heels, for she was not adjusted to earth's gravity, into a large vat marked ANTI-SQUID. She hit her head on the bottom and died.

Thus the Kingdom of Cheesoria was returned to normal. (Or the state that it was in before.) And Oxymoron the Moron set up a Ping-Pong tournament. He decided to wait for the evil Mocking Al to return, as he surely would.

THE END!

 Get your head out of the clouds and send D.S. Inc. some money. Or at least some stones we can pass off as jewels to some idiot like Mocking Al and sell them for an absurd amount of money.

 Click the invisible clouds to go home.