To Kill A Mocking Al:

4.2

Arabian Al's

A completely true (well, okay I lied already) story composed by Mike Stine.

This story is copyrighted by Drunken Sailors Incorporated and is owned completely by its respective members.

Any and all errors that are found in this story are hereby proclaimed as Al's fault. Any grievances about this story should be filed with him. Any compliments may be sent to Mike Stine, through the Drunken Sailors.

Drunken Sailors will not be held responsible for any lost appendages due to reading this story. We will also not be held responsible for any therapy that you may need to undergo after reading this story. We will not be held responsible if while reading this story you go to the bathroom and fall into the toilet. (It doesn't matter if we told you to or not, and if it does, go jump off a bridge.)

In Memory of Killer

Since I forgot to write a letter in my last story this is my letter:

Dear readers,

Tonight my condolences go out to a friend of mine. Oxymoron's pet guinea pig, Killer, died from smelling Mocking Al's cheese in story four. I didn't think about it last story and wish to show my deepest regrets. Because of this tragic loss, I promise you that Mocking Al will pay for his crimes this story. He will die a slow and painful death. And then miraculously not die to face more pain. (Now don't complain, because I know you love it.)

As much as I wish not to, I must also apologize to Al. He thinks that telling people not to picture cheese has a double meaning. But I'll let you be the judge. Could he be right, or is he actually insane? Any answer you have to this perplexing question will be greatly appreciated.

Now I ask a question. Are there intelligent forms of cheese on other land masses other than Cheesoria? The question will be answered in my next story, To Kill A Mocking Al: 4.2. Arabian Al's. Now I leave you with this message, eat cheese and polka.

The kingdom of Cheesoria had returned to its normal state of insanity since the not even close to overthrowing of the kingdom by Squid, Mocking Al and The Dark Queen. Oxymoron had decided that after killing someone as annoying as Mocking Al so many times, that he needed a vacation. (Oxymoron the Moron, you've just killed Mocking Al, where are you going to go next?) So he and Bike Swine the kingdom of Cheesoria's former king, who had left the country with all of its assets; and Bean-O, the leader of the half naked Greek dudes; and the rest of the half naked Greek dudes; and all of the suicide army; (which was the rest of the kingdom) decided to go on a vacation.

(Deep thought moment here. I know, you're wondering, "if all the people in Cheesoria are in the suicide army, and the suicide army always kills themselves, then why are there people still left in Cheesoria?" The answer to your not so very thought perplexing question is incredibly simple. The people of Cheesoria reproduce really fast. Since their reproduction rate is so high, they need a lot of food. That is why they are always making cheese. I hope that answers your question. If not, too bad.)

The whole kingdom of Cheesoria unanimously decided (not really unanimously, Oxymoron decided to go, then threatened to kill anyone that didn't agree with him) to go to Ali Baba Land. It was a large desert oasis on the other half of the planet. So they packed up the whole kingdom (dirt too) into their suitcases and set off in big jumbo jet airliners.

Of course Mocking Al had come back alive (I've been told that he never really dies, but I'll let you be the judge of that.) and had fled the country with The Dark Queen. He needed a break from being dead or being alive, depending on which version you want to believe, and some time to think of a new plan to kill Oxymoron the Moron. He decided to read the stories of his epic battles that had been written by reclusive geniuses Mike Stine, Sean Miller, and Billy Shaffer. He looked at the first story, "To Kill a Mocking Al". Who knew that he would fight so many battles against Oxymoron the Moron? But he kept coming back by popular demand. "Hey look at this." he said to The Dark Queen. "According to this first story I used to be a powerful wizard. And I used to have a magic ball of Oxy watching that I could see everything that Oxymoron did. And you didn't exist. Hey, I used to be king of Cheesoria. Whoa, and I'm like a lot older than Oxymoron. By now I should have died of old age. And I used to have a straw hut stronghold. How I yearn for the old days, before Oxymoron came around to kick my sorry butt all over the place." So he set out in search of his magic ball of Oxy watching and a new place to build his straw hut stronghold.

So Mocking Al set off. He kept walking until he reached the ocean. (Actually he kept walking until his head went under the water, and he finally decided that the land wasn't going to get any higher for a while.) So he walked along the beach looking for a place to rent a boat. He finally found such a place. He knew he was at the right place not because of the large neon sign that was in front of a humongous ocean liner, but by using his knowledge of Cheesoria trivia. He was looking at the color of cheese that was growing on the side of the tree. (In Cheesoria they say when you come upon green cheese, you shall know that a boat rental place is nearby.)

"I'd like to rent a dingy." Al said to the man clad in flannel sitting behind a sign that said "We rent dingy's".

"I'm sorry, but we don't rent dingys."

"But the sign says, "We rent dingys". Why won't you let me rent a dingy?" Al began to whine now.

"We have dingy's but I can't rent one to you."

"Why not?"

"I'm not sure if I trust you," said the flannel-clad man. "Just because someone walks up to me and says they want a dingy, I guess I'm just supposed to give them the only dingy I have."

"Makes sense to me. I just need to get across the ocean, and you're the only person who rents boats on this entire continent!"

"So the demand is high. Supply and demand. If the demand is high, so is the price."

"Please, I just need a dingy so I can get across the ocean."

"Well, first I need you to answer a few questions. What is your insurance company? Have you ever had a dingy before? . . . " The man starts asking questions. Al becomes annoyed by all of the questions, but uses his tiny bit of common sense to realize that it is his only way to get off the continent. The questions continue, "Have you ever had premarital sex? Do you have any sexually transmitted diseases? Have you ever made cheese with a Dark Queen in the back of a car?"

"That question's not on there!"

"Oh, yes it is. Number 278. You can see for yourself."

Al finally finishes all of the questions, and gets to rent the dingy. Before he goes he says, "You look familiar. What's your name?"

"My name is Swill."

"No, what's your first name?

"Swill."

"Then, what's your last name?"

"Swill."

"Your telling me that your name is Swill Swill? You must be pulling my chain."

"No, actually it's Swill Swill Swill. And I'm not pulling your chain, I'm pulling your dingy, out to the water. Your time started three minutes ago. Now I'll expect my dingy back in three days."

While Al was doing all of this, all of the people of Cheesoria were on their way to Ali Baba land. They had rented a really large dingy (Like a super large rubber raft.) from Swill Swill Swill, and were sailing across the ocean. They had a large outboard motor on the back, so they could go rather fast. Unknowingly, they had passed Mocking Al, and had created a large ripple of water. Al had to hold on tight to keep his boat from flipping over. (It doesn't sound right unless you say dingy, so I won't say boat again.)

Before this, Mocking Al was just ready to ship off, (since five minutes of his rental time was already used up) when The Dark Queen came running up wearing a track uniform with the letter "D" on it. What's wrong, did they run out of numbers?" asked Al.

"No, they just decided to use my grade on our last math test, instead of a number. But I quit the team, because I have gotten a horrible fear of cheese, since the last time I made cheese with you. The coach handed out the suggested diet of all team members, and she suggested that we eat cheese three meals a day. I couldn't take it so I left." A short pause. (Emphasis on short.) "Take me with you." So Mocking Al foolishly agreed to let the Dark Queen come with him.

They had been sailing along so peacefully when a large wave came and almost toppled the dingy. When the seas finally calmed down, the XL Dingy (The Dark Queen though it would be proper to name it, instead of calling it a dingy, which could be easily mistaken for something else.) sprung a leak. "Oh no! What are we going to do?" The Dark Queen asked.

"I know just the thing." Al said. He pulled out a large piece of cheese out of his pocket. It stunk really badly but you'll find that that wasn't the real problem. "This will plug those holes in no time."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!" screamed The Dark Queen. She grabbed hold of Mocking Al and started choking him. She had finally snapped. (I mean even crazier than she was before.) She grabbed the cheese and threw it into the water as far away as should could. She then jumped out of the XL Dingy and proceeded to swim in the opposite direction. Al was left in the XL Dingy half conscious, with no way to patch the holes. So he did the only thing he could. He stuck his finger in one hole. And another in the next. That fixed it for a while. Then more holes sprung up. "My dingy is leaking!" exclaimed Al (Notice Al dropped the proper name as soon as The Dark Queen jumped overboard. He hated the name to begin with. BUT, you know women.) (Ouch. I can already feel myself being hit for that one.) So Al continued to sink. And sink. And sink. So Al drowned. (Don't even think that's the last of him this story. Remember my promise on the second page?)

So Mocking Al washed up on an unknown shore. Lying next to him was the dingy that had failed him. "If I get my hands on that Swill Swill Swill, I'm going to kill him. A slow and agonizing death." (Sound familiar.) (By the way, in case you didn't realize it, Mocking Al had come back to life.) Mocking Al decided to find out what continent he was on and think of a way to find his magic ball of Oxy watching. So he looked around. He saw a sign that said "Welcome to Ali Baba Land, Magic Ball of Oxy Watching Two Miles". (Well actually the sign didn't say anything, but you get my point.) "Yeah, and we rent dingy's." said Al sarcastically. Al left his ruined dingy on the beach and set off in search of his magic ball of Oxy watching. (I need to come up with a shorter name for this thing.)

Meanwhile, all of the citizens of Cheesoria had made it to the mainland of Ali Baba Land. They looked for the nearest resort, but soon found a sign that said it was over sixty miles away. (Once again the sign didn't actually say anything.) Suddenly a flannel clad man appeared. "How'd you get here?" demanded Oxymoron the Moron.

"I have an interdimensional portal," said the man.

"Okay, you don't have to be so snippy about it."

"I hear you need some transportation." said the man whom we already know is named Swill. "I think I have just the thing you need." He pulled a magical man from mushroom land out of pocket. "Whoops, that's not it. It must be the other pocket." He pulled a carpet and threw it toward the ground. It never hit the ground though. "See it floats. I'll rent it to you for five cents. I don't even need the money though, because some sorry loser wrecked my dingy, and he's not going to get his five hundred thousand dollar deposit back on it."

The flying carpet looked really cool. It was bigger than a house but could be folded to fit into your pocket. "Hey, what's this button do." Swine asked. (Of course he pushed it before he got a response.) Two doors opened up on the flying carpet and missile launchers came out of them.

"Hey, you never know when those things may come in handy," said Swill. "But now I must be off, I have another customer. Before I go though, I must tell you, whatever you do don't push the flannel button. It will mean certain death to the one who pushes it."

Al had walked five hundred feet before collapsing. Being dead really makes you tired, plus you're already a wimp if you're a Mocking Al so it doesn't surprise me a bit that Al was now crying for his mommy. Suddenly a man clad in flannel appeared. "How'd you get here?" Al demanded.

"Shutup you pathetic wimp." said Swill. "Where's my dingy?"

"Your dingy killed me!" Mocking Al screamed.

"Tough turkey, ay." said Swill. "You do know you lost your deposit. But being the nice guy I am, I'll still rent you a flying carpet so that you can get your MBOW (Magic Ball of Oxy Watching, I told you I was getting tired of writing it.)"

"How'd you know I was going to get that?"

"I know everything. By the way, your friend should be joining you soon. She rented a submarine from me after she had drowned six times. She said she would personally deflate your dingy if you got any more cheese near her. And let me warn you, she didn't say the XL Dingy either, so do yourself a favor and keep the cheese away from her."

"I just remembered," Al said, "I promised myself I'd kill you if I ever saw you again." Al drew his Fuzzo-Blaster and was aiming it at Swill, when he suddenly saw a bright flash of flannel and fell over dead. (Two for Al.)

Al found himself alive once again and in a lot of pain. He saw The Dark Queen sitting next to him, just as Swill had said. She had been slapping him to try to get him to come back alive quicker. (At least that is how she said it was. I'll believe her, just because I know The Dark Queen would never harm her fuzzy headed friend.) Al came back to life in mid swing, and was knocked unconscious by the blow. (Seems rather hard to me, but I still believe her.)

Oxymoron and Swine, and all of the people of Cheesoria were on the nude beaches of Ali Baba Land at this time. (Pulling all of the hairs out of your nose with tweezers would be more enjoyable than picturing this.) The half-naked Greek dudes weren't allowed on the beach though, because they refused to strip the rest of the way. So they stood guard over the kingdom of Cheesoria. The Suicide Army wanted to try something new, so they all drowned themselves, dropping the population of Cheesoria to twelve. (The number of citizens that weren't in the Suicide Army.) The dead bodies washed ashore and grossed everyone out. SO the authorities had to close the beach down. Swine went to leave, when he couldn't find his clothes. He looked all over for them but still couldn't find them. So he stole the now unneeded clothes of one of the dead ex-citizens of Cheesoria. He and Oxymoron decided to go cruising on their rented super cool flying carpet.

They went to a temple that had a large neon sign outside of it. It said, "MBOW inside." (Apparently the people in Ali Baba Land got tired of writing it too. And no, it didn't actually say that.) "Let's look inside." Swine said to Oxymoron.

Inside they saw a very unexpected sight. They saw Mocking Al standing on top of The Dark Queen's shoulders, trying to reach the MBOW. They finally had it and turned to leave when they saw Swine and Oxymoron. They ran out the door and to the flying carpet that The Dark Queen had rented from Swill while he was dead. Then they saw Oxymoron the Moron's carpet, so they decided to take it. Swine got out just as soon as Al was taking off. "Whatever you do, don't push the flannel colored button," he yelled to Mocking Al.

Mocking Al used his tiny brain and thought for a moment. He remembered how he had been tricked by Swine and Oxymoron before. SO, (Time for a commercial break. I think I'll go eat supper now. If I feel like it I might tell you the rest of the story, sometime.)

(Well I'm back. Did you miss me? I bet you did.) he pushed the flannel colored button. Bolts of lightning flew out of the button. "Who has summoned the genie of the lamp?" demanded a genie that identified himself as Peach.

"I did." Mocking Al said. "When do I get my three wishes?"

Peach began to laugh, his face turned red and sides started to ache. "Did you not hear the warning? Do not push the flannel colored button."

"No, I didn't."

"LIAR! I heard that moron Swine tell you. Because of lying, I will make your death twice as painful." Peach's eyes glowed red with fury. He pointed his finger at Mocking Al. "Since you have reverted to your previous form of an evil wizard, you also retain your previous weaknesses." Peach began. "So, I'll have to tell you a story. Once upon a fuzzy headed time in the land of Canadia . . ."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

yelled Mocking Al. Al tried to jump off the carpet and kill himself, but Peach caught him and put him back on the carpet again. "I can't take it anymore!"

Peach had had his fun with Al so he killed him. In a fun way of course. He said cheese, and The Dark Queen went crazy. She went spasmatic. She went to the bathroom. (Oh, wait that isn't it.) During one of her spasms she knocked Al off of the carpet, and he plunged his death. Al was holding onto the MBOW, and it shattered as his body hit the sidewalk of Ali Baba Land. (Three) The Dark Queen landed the flying carpet without Oxymoron or Swine noticing. She went in search of a spatula, so she could scrape Al off of the sidewalk. Al had come back to life already. (I guess after being dead so many times, and then coming back to life, you sort of get the hang of it.) Mocking Al and the Dark Queen got on their flying carpet this time, because they were afraid of what other surprises were laying in store on Swine and Oxymoron's carpet. They tried to flee the country before Oxymoron the Moron and Swine had noticed that Al was back alive. This of course didn't happen.

Oxymoron and Swine followed them closely. Then Oxymoron pulled out a piece of cheese that many half-naked Greek dudes had died to obtain. (Because of the smell.) It was the last piece of cheese that Mocking Al and The Dark Queen had made. Oxymoron threw the cheese over onto Al's flying carpet, where it landed right on Al's lap. Do you remember what the Dark Queen threatened to do if Al got any more cheese near her? Let's just say that she went ballistic, and did exactly as she promised. It wasn't a pretty picture. Lucky for him, Al had got his Fuzzo-Blaster out and killed himself twelve minutes after he was attacked. (Let's put it this way. When one is in that much pain, they don't often move quickly.) (Four) Two minutes later he came back alive. The cheese had been disposed of and The Dark Queen was back to normal by now.

Oxymoron and Swine were still following them closely. Abruptly Oxymoron pushed the button that Swine had pushed earlier. The two missile launchers came out. Mocking Al tried to outmaneuver them by going higher in the air. (Very, very bad idea.) A volley of missiles was launched directly at the flying carpet. Mocking Al and The Dark Queen were killed instantly. (Five) Their bodies plunged over five hundred feet before they both came alive again. Then they hit the pavement. The sound of bones crunching was all that could be heard. (Six, and eight, let's not forget.)

Mocking Al came back to life, but the Dark Queen did not return to life any more this story. Oxymoron followed Mocking Al, who was on foot now. He fired another volley of missiles at Al. But none exploded. "Hah, your plan didn't work this time!" Al yelled up to Oxymoron and Swine. But he wasn't watching where he was going and tripped over one of the missiles that landed in his pathway. And he fell. And he died again. (Seven)

Mocking Al had just come back to life, when Swill Swill Swill showed up. "You just lost your deposit on the flying carpet," he said. "But that's not what I'm really here for. This coming back to life stuff is really starting to bother me." So he killed him again. (Eight) "I'm going to take him to Canadia for a while." he told Oxymoron the Moron and Bike Swine. "There I'll get a chance to torture him some, and he'll forget how to come back to life so quickly."

Al had just started to move again, when Peach showed up. "I took pity on you because of the girl. I didn't want to gross her out." Peach pointed his finger at Al again, and Al imploded and was smashed into a tiny ball. Then he was put into a vacuum, (Like in space) and exploded into little parts. (Nine) Swill then left with Peach and Mocking Al for Canadia in his interdimensional portal. "I'll send him back once he's learned not to come back to life so often." he said to Oxymoron. "I'll come back to visit you sometime and maybe I'll take you to Canadia."

By the time Oxymoron got back to the citizens of Cheesoria, there were twenty-four of them. (Told you they reproduce quickly.) Swill had left them keep the flying carpet for any time they might need it. So they flew home. No one knew where The Dark Queen was, nor did they care. So they unpacked all of the dirt of Cheesoria and set up their lovely country once again. And all was peaceful again until one day an empty dingy washed ashore. .

THE END

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