To Kill a Mocking Al :

4.33

The Dark Queen Gets Her Revenge

All people who read this sentence are subject to have their name twisted into one of my stories and give away all legal right to it by reading this. All people who haven't changed their name by now, or haven't gone blind are very stupid. You may think that there is some kind of message at the end of this paragraph. Well, there isn't. By reading this sentence, it proves just how stupid you really are. After this sentence, you should be wondering just why you do keep reading this stupid thing. By now, you're really feeling dumb because I haven't written anything with any kind of meaning to it since the first sentence. I hope from reading this that you go blind. How can anyone be so stupid to keep reading this after I've told you twice there is nothing important left in this paragraph? You say you don't trust me. Darn you. You've figured out my plan. All people named Al waive all rights to their fuzzy headedness, and should be killed if they read this story.

The land of Cheesoria had not returned to its normal state of insanity, because I'm getting tired of starting stories out like this. In fact Oxymoron the Moron was in a severe state of depression. "But they he took away Mocking Al!" Oxymoron cried to his mother over the phone. (Didn't ever stop to think that Oxymoron had parents did you. As a matter of fact, Oxymoron's mother was so ugly, when Oxymoron was born, they didn't know whether to slap him, or slap his mother.) "Who am I supposed to kill and then laugh at maniacally when they try to get their revenge?"

"Why don't you try killing that Dark Queen once." came Oxymoron's Mother's nagging voice over the phone. "She seems like a nice girl to kill. I haven't heard a bad thing about her yet."

"But she's such a wimp. She's too easy to kill. I mean all you need to do is hold out a piece of chocolate, and she comes running." Oxymoron whined into the phone.

"Well, I don't know what to do. You're the king after all. You decide what to do."

"I don't like that tone of voice you're using with me! Half-naked Greek dudes, go pick up my mommy and throw her in jail, she's being mean to me. Bean-O I want you to lead the mission. It will take a lot of strength to pick up my mom."

And so after throwing his mom in jail Oxymoron was still depressed and had nothing to do. Finally a letter came for him in the postal delivery service. (I know, the postal system was an art that was lost. The people of Cheesoria came up with a new postal system. They wrote a letter, waited for a windy day, and then threw it into the air. The people kept throwing the letter into the air until it got to the person that it was addressed to. This idea was slightly [cough, cough] less efficient than the old system but still worked, to an extent.) The letter was from Swill Swill Swill. It said:

Dear Oxymoron the Moron,

Figured you might be a bit bored since Mocking Al is in another dimension. He is being tortured and is being taught not to come back to life nine times in a story. Hopefully I can get him back to you by about To Kill a Mocking Al 4.6. Since you have nothing to keep you awake at the moment I decided to provide some entertainment for you. I have brought Squid back from the dead and gave her more weapons to try to kill you with. I have also given The Dark Queen magic powers of Oxy watching and trained her to be a sorcerer. These powers will cease after you kill her again, but they should be enough to get you through this story, which by the way is turning out to be incredibly boring. By the way, I've made The Dark Queen chocolate exempt for this story. She also craves cheese once again, because, well you can't live in Cheesoria without liking cheese. I hope these things will keep you from being bored for a while.

Your friend,

Swill Swill Swill

P.S. If all else fails, jump!

So Oxymoron was high in spirits once again. He called the suicide army together, and had them defuse a bomb out in the newly improved "Suicidal Practicing Area, Suicidal Maniacs Allowed Only" field. They were SOOOO close to defusing the bomb, but Oxymoron hadn't anticipated the fact that they all killed themselves by slicing their heads open and bleeding to death. If they hadn't killed themselves before actually touching the bomb, they might have defused it. Instead Oxymoron and Bike Swine watched them try to perform brain surgery on themselves, and them have their corpses blown to bits by the unfortunate explosion of a bomb.

After seeing what a mess the most recent suicide army had made, Swine said, "Look at all the fat in those bits and pieces of people spread across the field. Oxymoron, you need to put the whole nation on a diet."

And so Oxymoron the Moron, declared that henceforth all citizens of Cheesoria should eat nothing except, guess what, CHEESE, until further notice. For breakfast, they ate cheese. For lunch, cheese. For supper they finally had a change. Knowing that one could not live on only cheese, Oxymoron allowed supper to have a few choices. They could choose from cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese, cheese pizza with extra cheese, toasted cheese, cheese sandwiches with cheese in the middle, or fish. With cheese on, of course. Any person who did not follow the strict dietary rules was thrown into jail with Oxymoron's mother. There she would lecture them on the importance of a balanced diet and how important cheese is in keeping you regular. If this did not hinder the perpetrator, Oxymoron had nothing left to do but to tie them in a chair, and spoon-feed them.

Oxymoron was trying to feed one such person at the moment. "Now open wide for daddy." The man refused. "Come on. Here comes the train. Chugga chugga, chugga chugga. Whoo whoo!" The man still refused. By now Oxymoron was getting mad. "All right, if you don't open your mouth, I'm going to lock you up with my mother, and I'm going to turn on the lights this time so you can see her."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll eat. I promise." The man picked up his spoon and started shoveling in cheese, practically choking because of the mouthful he had pushed in to his mouth the instant Oxymoron mentioned his mother. And you thought Oxymoron was cruel to his mother.

While all of this was going on, The Dark Queen had, with the help of Squid, constructed an all new straw hut stronghold. (Our sponsors lost faith in our stories, after Mocking Al went to Canadia and we are once again on a low budget. Plus Billy took our remaining funds and put it into "Al Builds Al World.") They built it outside of San Freakville, the capital city of Cheesoria. "With this fort, and our new powers we will rule all of Cheesoria." Of course since The Dark Queen was dead when Swill took Al to Canadia she had no way of knowing that the one who gave her her powers was actually on Oxymoron's side. She then decided to practice her sorcery. She raised her hands, and lightning bolts flew out of them. Squid had been taken to her home planet to get more supplies. She had learned a new technique that would work on even the brainless Oxymoron. She saw a member of the suicide army wander near the straw hut stronghold, and beckoned for him to come near. Sensing danger, the man did his duty and walked suicidally over to Squid. "Are you going to kill me?" the man asked. "If you are, teach me how to do it, so I can do it to myself. I must die in a suicidal rage."

So Squid taught the man how to kill himself. "See, first you close your eyes. Then you concentrate really hard. Think about all the pain that is in your stomach and how it feels like it is going to blow up. The man concentrated. His stomach began to swell and finally it burst. His guts spilled out onto the ground.

The last words that he uttered were, "Hey, this is pretty cool." And so it was. With these new weapons to use against Oxymoron, it seemed as if the duo of evilness could finally overthrow the kingdom.

Unfortunately, for them, not for Oxymoron, Bike Swine and his brother Chuckles had been coming up with new military strategies. Chuckles was a radical thinker, and thought that one day the suicide army might do some good by killing themselves. Swine was more down to earth and knew that it would take a miracle for the suicide army to actually do anything good, besides that wasn't what they were trained for. So Chuckles and Swine created their new military technology. They read previous To Kill a Mocking Al Stories to try to get suggestions. Chuckles read the second story, in which Swine had left the country with all of its money. "Just what did you do with the money?" he asked his brother.

"Uh, I, I, I can't tell you. Perhaps if you ask Oxymoron, he'll tell you about it someday, but it was so bad that I dare not repeat it on paper." (Which was really bad, since he was saying this, and not writing it.)

Chuckles had taken Oxymoron's magic carpet and had new weapons put on it. He had taken off the missile launcher, and put on a new and improved heat seeking missile launcher. He also put on his own invention called the distract-o-matic. When you pushed the button a member of the suicide army jumped off of the carpet and killed themselves. Chuckles said that if his invention actually worked that he would prove that the suicide army could do some good. Swine simply laughed at him.

One thing that I forgot to mention about Chuckles is that he is prone to accidents. None of course are ever deadly. He sort of seems to be a cat, only with about four million extra lives, instead of nine.

While testing the heat seeking missiles, Swine accidentally fired one. Of course as you know, heat seeking missiles find their target and follow them until they reach it. Chuckles just happened to be standing near the flying carpet, and well, as you might not expect, he didn't die. Some how he kept running until he reached a lake that was almost frozen over. He jumped into it, and since he no longer had body heat, the missile kept flying. After realizing that it had no target, the missile exploded.

Oxymoron had been doing some work of his own. He had dissolved the Royal Naked Greek Air Defense Force, or RNGAD, and had created a new one. His new team was in charge of being a human shield for Oxymoron. Wherever he went, they would surround him, so that no harm would befall him. He named his new team Basically All Lunatics Like Shields, or BALLS for short. (Pronounced balls.)

Oxymoron soon found this team to be annoying. He would always trip over them whenever he walked. When he would bend over to tie his shoe, he would always find his face in the crotch of a part of his shield. And when he went to bed, well let's not even go there. I'll only say that it is hard to find a bed that fits six people. Oxymoron also didn't like the fact that they still surrounded him in bed. So soon after BALLS was formed, BALLS was disbanded.

Then Oxymoron formed another team of elite cheesemakers. This was a new air defense team. Instead of throwing paper airplanes, which Oxymoron thought was too violent because someone could lose an eye, he put his team on the flying carpet that he had gotten from Swill Swill Swill. There they could launch missiles at an enemy. He called this task force, Half-Naked Greek Officials Need Air Defense, or HN-GONAD for short. (Pronounced half-naked gonad.) Bean-O was put in charge of the HN-GONAD team.

While the kingdom of Cheesoria was preparing for an imminent attack, Squid the Druglord was smoking pot again. "I thought I told you that that stuff would kill your brain cells." The Dark Queen said to Squid.

"What are you talking about? I've been in Cheesoria for at least a week now. There's no way that I can even have I brain left."

"Oops, I guess I forgot. That tends to happen to one who has no brain. I guess that if you would somehow would keep your brain, then by the time you reached Senior High School, a communist would come and suck it out of your head anyway. Either that or a fat guy with a high squeaky voice would give you poisoned candy that would slowly rot away what was left of your brain."

"I wonder where Mocking Al is at. I haven't seen him the whole time I've been alive. Maybe he didn't come back to life this time."

"That's nonsense. Mocking Al always comes back to life. That guy that gave us our powers told me that he wouldn't appear in this story because of personal problems that he was having. I think he said something about mourning the loss of his dingy."

"Oh. Then what are we waiting for? Why don't we try to annihilate Oxymoron now?"

"I was waiting for the right time, but I guess now is as good of time as any. Let's go kick some Oxymoron butt."

The duo proceeded to go to the back of the straw hut where they went to the bathroom before they left. (What? You act as if people aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in a story. Allow me to just say one thing. If you would go for as long as they have without going to the bathroom, you'd be in a lot of pain.)

After their trip to the bathroom, they headed for San Freakville. (Of course, Squid had a shot of heroin before she left.) Just out side of the city they stopped. "Let's see if they notice we are here. Then we'll plan our strategies," said The Dark Queen.

So they waited. And waited. And waited some more. Then they decided that no one knew that they were there. So they decided that it would be best to make themselves known. The Dark Queen shot lightning bolts from her fingers and set the nearby field on fire. The fire moved closer to the town by the minute.

San Freakville was in a panic as the fire spread closer to them. Oxymoron had sent the Suicide Army out to stop the fire. Unfortunately in their attempt to put out the fire, they decided that instead of carrying water all the way to the fire, that they would urinate on it. So they did. And boy did it stink. Their urine did little to slow the fire, and at times, it almost seemed to add to the fire. (It must have been all of that cheese that they had eaten.) So after realizing that they were unsuccessful in putting out the fire, they jumped into it. This only added more fuel to the fire. (And made it stink more. The smell of burning bodies doesn't smell that great from what I have gathered.)

So the fire came closer and closer to San Freakville. Oxymoron evacuated the remaining citizens, and had fled into the tower of his home for protection. (And what a manly tower it was!) Swine, Bean-O, Chuckles, the HN-GONAD team, and the rest of the half-naked Greek dudes followed him. (So this would mean that all two of the remaining citizens of Cheesoria evacuated, and the rest went to Oxymoron's house for a big party.)

The fire quickly swept over San Freakville and came incredibly close to Oxymoron the Moron's house. The Dark Queen and Squid being stupid and brainless (no exaggeration here) as they were followed the path of the fire, and were close to Oxymoron's house. Squid looked into the window. "It looks like they are playing poker," she said to The Dark Queen. "Ooo, they're playing strip poker. Oh, I feel sick now."

"Don't they even care that they are going to be burned alive." said The Dark Queen. They're not even making this victory fun for me. I want to kill Oxymoron with my bare hands. I want to choke him until his eyes pop out of his head. Ooo, are they eating nachos?" she said as she looked in the window. "I'm incredibly peeved. I'm going to go into the mansion and kill them all!"

Squid looked in the window of Oxymoron's mansion. Swine was standing at the window, holding a joint in one hand, and a crack pipe in the other. Squid instantly flipped. "I need drugs!" she said to The Dark Queen. She started to run toward the mansion. BUT, she tripped on a burning log and fell into the fire. Needless to say, she died. So only The Dark Queen was left.

The Dark Queen was mad. She wanted to see Oxymoron suffer at her hands. (Apparently she wanted to make cheese with him.) So she found a safe path into the mansion. She burst in through the doorway and ran up the twelve stories of stairs to where Oxymoron was.

By the time she had reached the top of the stairway, she was incredibly tired. She opened the door to find Bean-O almost completely naked, Chuckles with his shirt off, Swine running around in boxers covered with cartoon characters on, and the rest of half-naked Greek dudes completely naked. (They had started off at a disadvantage seeing how they were already half naked.) Oxymoron was winning and hadn't taken off any of his clothes. (You can thank me later, but you must realize that I saved you many years of therapy, and from the mess that would come from you throwing up all over the floor.)

They were all startled by The Dark Queen entry into the room. "Hey look. We got another player," said Swine. The Dark Queen walked over to Oxymoron and shot a lightning bolt at him. Somehow it went astray and hit Chuckles in the head. He was unharmed however.

Oxymoron stood up finally. "So you want to be like that, huh? Well fine then, I'm not going to let you play strip poker with us. I'll save myself the months of therapy that it would take to make me psychotic once again."

The Dark Queen became infuriated. She started to hurl a monster lightning bolt down Oxymoron the Moron's throat. Please join us next episode in "Dark Queen Rules Cheesoria."

Hey, wait a moment! That's not how it ends. Oxymoron thought of what Swill Swill Swill had said. "If all else fails, jump!" So, he did. He jumped up and down. And down and up. And even to the side once in a while. The Dark Queen started hurling lightning bolts at Oxymoron, but each one of them managed to strike the misshapen Chuckles.

Chuckles' hair caught on fire and caught the nearby furniture on fire. Soon the whole room was ablaze. They had to leave the room after they tried to put it out by urinating on it. (The smell drove them out.) So they went up another twelve stories. On their way up, the still mostly naked Bean-O looked out the window and saw that the building was on fire, and would probably soon collapse. So they kept running until they got to the roof. (And what a manly roof it was!) They found that their magic carpet was not there though.

The Dark Queen had run out of stamina long ago, and was at least nine floors behind them. She soon quickened her pace though, when she found that the fire was only a story behind her, and gaining on her. She reached the roof a minute later, and found the maniacal bunch of Cheesorians sitting there, looking stupefied. They didn't know what else to do.

Suddenly a loud crack was heard and the building shook violently. "We've got to get off of here!" yelled Swine. So they did the only thing they could think of, they jumped. They began the plunge of eighty-seven stories, and were worried what would happen when they reached the bottom. Suddenly Peach appeared and caught them. All but one. He missed Chuckles and he kept falling. When he hit the ground, amazingly enough he landed on a communist teacher, and bounced off of her, and back into the arms of Peach. "I knew that would happen." Peach said.

"Oh, sure you did." said a slightly frightened Chuckles.

The Dark Queen was still sitting on top of the building. Figuring that Oxymoron and his friends had plunged to their death. Then she saw that some really freaky looking flying guy had caught them. So she decided to jump off of the tower too. Unfortunately she tripped on the edge of the building. Instead of jumping, she fell over and her face slammed into the face of the building. She then continued to fall. Eighty-seven stories are a long way to fall, if you know what I mean, so this may take a while. I'll describe what she saw as she was plunging to her most certain death. (You did realize that this was the way that I was killing her off this story, didn't you?) She saw a big blur. Then as she got closer to the ground, the blur got even bigger. Moments before impact, she knew what the blur was. It was the remains of a communist educator. Now she knew that there wasn't even going to be something to cushion her impact. She was going to make a BIG mess. And so she did.

Peach sat down the inhabitants of San Freakville, and blew out the remaining fire. Then Swill Swill Swill showed up. He greeted Oxymoron. "So, I see you had fun today. Don't worry about the mess that they made. I'll rebuild you city to its past glory in no time. However, not even my powers can remove that mess that you have outside of your mansion. You'll just have to wait for her to come back to life. It might be a while, seeing the fall she took."

And so life returned to psychotic once again in Cheesoria. And no one dared complain about the diet. (Oxymoron had forgot to let his mom out of jail, and she sort of caught on fire during the whole burning of San Freakville thing. Needless to say, she was in a really bad mood.) No one wanted to go anywhere near Oxymoron the Moron's mom!