To Kill A Mocking Al:

Episode 4.4

A Mocking Mess

Unlike all of you may think, this is not a title page. This is actually the beginning of the story. It just has no plot development. And has nothing to actually do with the story, besides give the title.

For my next act, oh wait, I'm not a performer. Anyway, read this. Are you still reading? Good. Are you reading now? You must be, because you wouldn't be reading this, if you weren't reading this. Ha! I bet you're confused now. Now I have an Oxymoronic quiz that will confuse you more.

1. Does Oxymoron have a wife?

2. What really happened to the money that Bike Swine stole?

3. Was there ever a fully naked Greek army?

4. Was Chuckles ever the leader of the kingdom of Cheesoria?

5. Will the Suicide army ever be successful?

6. Is the Dark Queen spelled The Dark Queen or the Dark Queen? (Ignore how I spelled it in the question.)

7. How much wood could a Chuckles chuck if a Chuckles could chuck wood?

8. If a tree fell in the woods and landed on a Squid the druglord, would it make a sound?

9. What does BALLS stand for?

10. Does Oxymoron have a kid, and if he does what is his/her name?

11. Does my mommy ever do a good job correcting my mistakes?

12. What was the subtitle of To Kill A Mocking Al 4?

13. What will happen in To Kill A Mocking Al 4.6?

14. What does D.S. Inc. (that wonderful corporation you've all been contributing to) stand for?

I hope you are now thoroughly confused. That way you won't be able to tell just how much my upcoming story stinks.

1. Yes (episode 4)

2. I dare not repeat it for my mommy might read this, but you may look at Al on the high Seas (shortened title.)

3. Yes, it belonged to Swine (episode 4)

4. No (not in the story, duh)

5. Only time will tell (why'd you bother checking what story it is from?)

6. It is spelled both ways depending on the author.

7. A Chuckles could chuck as much wood as a Chuckles could chuck, if a Chuckles could chuck wood.

8. Only if Squid the druglord did.

9. Basically All Lunatics Like Shields (episode 4.33)

10. Trick Question. He HAD a kid. His name was Oxymoron Jr.

11. No (episode 4.1)

12. Al Learns to Drive (episode 4)

13. Swill Swill finds a time machine. (Episode 4.6)

14. Drunken Sailors Inc. (I never actual mentioned it, but if you're imaginative enough you might have gotten it.)

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Oh sorry, that's another story.

It had been at least two days since the most recent untimely demise of The Dark Queen and Squid the evil druglord. Oxymoron the Moron and Bike Swine were on the suicide army's practicing field. "Do realize how many people have died in the service of our fine country of Cheesoria?" Bike Swine asked Oxymoron the Moron.

"11,594." Just then a car ran past them and a man jumped out in front of it. "11,595."

"I really think that we should do something to honor the great stupidity of our fallen townsmen." Swine said. "Hey, you!" Swine said, turning to a poor soul that was wandering by. "What do you think we should do to commemorate the suicide army?"

"I think that you should build a large statue of a person committing suicide."

"Ha! That idea sucks!" said Oxymoron. He then pushed the man out of his road. The man tripped on a rock that was sticking out of the ground a fell on a rusty sword that had been lying on the practicing field. "Ouch! That's going to leave a mark." Of course the man never felt it. He was a member of the suicide army elite. They had been trained to be impervious to pain. It really made for a cool effect. The suicide army elite could rip off appendages, and never feel it. It was a real hit at parties. The only downside was the fact that most of the time when one ripped off their arm, they wound up bleeding to death.

In a far off place (actually it was only two miles away, but we'll pretend it was far away) a small shrine was being built. Three shadowy figures were circled around it. (Of course I'm not going to tell you who they are yet.)

In honor of the suicide army, Bike Swine and Oxymoron had decided to hold a festival. There would be all sorts of games and rides. Of course there would be a cheese eating contest. Oxymoron had declared that anyone that could eat more cheese than him, and not puke afterwards, would be made king for a day. He was terribly sure of winning this competition, so he also said that he would give a thousand dollars to anyone who could come within five pounds as much cheese as he could. During the planning of these festivities, Oxymoron received a letter from Swill Swill Swill. It said:

Dear Oxymoron the Moron, the king of all morons,

I figured that it must have been pretty boring in the last story without Mocking Al, so I decided to do you a favor. In story 4.6, I find a time so after Mocking Al was trained not to come back to life, I got in the time machine, and brought him back to your time. I also went and made the respected members of D.S. incorporated Al exempt. I went back in time before Al existed so that they won't be infected with Al germs. I also brought Squid the druglord back to life, seeing how she has no reincarnation ability of her own. Expect them to try to crash your festival in about three minutes.

Your bud, (wise, errrrr)

Swill Swill Swill

Oxymoron waited about five minutes for Mocking Al's attack. Then another letter blew past Bike Swine and hit Oxymoron in the face:

Dear Oxymoron,

Okay, so I might have been slightly off on the timing. So sue me. I've been traveling through time. I have serious jet lag. After all the years I've traveled through, be glad I'm only off by a couple days.

Your friend,

Swill Swill Swill

Meanwhile in that place that was far away, but only two miles from the city, Mocking Al was seen walking around the shrine that he had built. "My shrine to the Dingy god is complete! With my new found dingy abilities I'll be able to crush Oxymoron in a moment!" Mocking Al laughed hysterically.

The Dark Queen walked up beside him. "What new dingy abilities did you acquire while you were gone?"

"Actually I didn't acquire any. I just thought it sounded neat since I was right next to the shrine I built to the Dingy god that doesn't really exist. Since the Dingy god doesn't exist, neither do my abilities."

"Don't talk down to me like that! You act like I'm some kind of blond bimbo!"

"But you are a blond bimbo in this story! I'm only carrying out my part by treating you as the stereotype projects you!" Al was definitely getting frustrated now.

"Fine. If that's the way you're going to be, I'm going over with Oxymoron for this story. I'd take Squid with, but I think she's still sore at Oxymoron about being taunted with drugs."

"Well fine. I don't need you. I can get myself killed just fine without you. Hey, wait a minute, that's' not what I wanted to say. Well, you know what I mean. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, you're a blond."

The Dark Queen flipped out now. (Sort of like when she got near cheese in 4.2.) She began kicking and punching Al mercilessly.

"Oww, hey quit that. I'm a bleeder you know." After one well placed kick in a spot that certainly wasn't very ladylike of The Dark Queen to kick him, Al crumpled in a heap on the ground. The Dark Queen began to walk towards San Freakville.

Luke slashed mercilessly at the fat freak in the black costume and weird mask. He wondered how anyone's voice could be so low. Then a lightsaber struck him in the arm. Oops, wrong story again.

The Dark Queen reached San Freakville in a matter of days. (It's a good thing it was only two miles away.) By then the festival was about to start. She passed the racetrack on which the half-naked Greek dudes, led by their fearless leader Bean-O, would run around pointlessly for hours on end. Next to it was a place where the bets were taken

At the request of Bike Swine, Oxymoron had a riverboat gambling facility established. Well it wasn't really a riverboat gambling facility. San Freakville couldn't afford to rent a boat, so they rented a dingy from Swill Swill Swill. Then came another problem. There were no rivers anywhere near San Freakville. Chuckles came up with an ingenious idea. He ran to the sewage treatment plant, and opened up all of the pipes. Raw sewage spewed out into the streets of San Freakville. Then he had everyone get a bucket and scoop up the horrible muck. They carried it to a swimming pool and poured it in. So Swine had his sewage dingy gambling facility. The only problem that remained is that everyone wanted to go swimming instead of gamble.

As far as betting went, Oxymoron once again raised the stakes for the cheese eating contest. The winner of the cheese eating contest would get to kill Squid at the end of the story. Finally there were dozens of people signing up. For some reason everyone wanted to kill Squid. It might have had something to do with the fact that Oxymoron said that whoever kills her gets all of her drugs, but I doubt it.

The Dark Queen went up to Oxymoron and asked him if she could be on the good side for this story. "Sure. You can stay in Swine's room."

"Just where am I to sleep then?" asked Swine.

"In your room."

"With The Dark Queen?"

"Are you ready for the ride of your life?" said The Dark Queen.

"What!?"

"That's what it says on this poster."

"Yeah sure. I bet. You only came here because you got tired of making cheese with Mocking Al. After his dingy was deflated, he just didn't seem to be himself anymore."

"How'd you know Mocking Al doesn't make cheese like he used to?"

"Uh. Um. Oxymoron told me."

"Well, uh, Bean-O told me," said Oxymoron.

"You see, uh, Chuckles told me. Yeah that's it," said Bean-O.

"Let me think here. Who can I blame." Chuckles mumbled to himself. "Well, uh, Swine told me."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Okay. I'm really sorry I asked. I don't think I want to show up in these stories anymore. All of you people are starting to scare me. Now where's Swine's room?"

"Oh. So you're in that much of a hurry. I know you want to make cheese with me. You could at least wait until we got to my room to start the cheese talk."

"I didn't say anything about cheese."

"Of course you didn't. But I know you were thinking it."

Two miles away, Mocking Al was sulking. "Oh what have I done! I've driven away the only female that would make cheese with me. I'm such an idiot." (Of course we already knew that, but it is nice to hear it straight from the horse's mouth every once in a while.) Al was really mad. He kicked the statue of the Dingy god that didn't really exist. (Of course, the statue wasn't really made of stone, otherwise wimpy Al would have broke his foot. We still can't afford stones to use as props. All of our money is spent. However, if you would like to make a contribution to me, err, The Mocking Al Story fund, make checks payable to D.S. Inc All donations are tax deductible.)

"That's it! I'm miffed. Oxymoron stole my beloved Dark Queen. (Of course, he didn't know that she was actually with Bike Swine doing who knows what.) Just because of that, I'm going to take twice as long to kill this story. (Big challenge there.) Come on Squid. We must make a massive assault on Cheesoria. Since RNGAD has been disbanded and Oxymoron no longer has BALLS he is left defenseless. Ha ha ha, and other evil and maniacal laughter."

But Mocking Al didn't know that a large wall had been built around San Freakville. Oxymoron had tried to come up with a good name for it but failed. He only called it MANA. Mocking Al Not Allowed. Then he made a better one. (Cause I just thought of a better one.) SANTA. Squids Are Not Tolerated Anywhere. Another thing that Mocking Al had forgotten was that HN-GONAD was still operable. Half Naked Greek Officials Need Air Defense would shoot down any paper airplanes that Mocking Al would try to throw over SANTA. (Might I add that SANTA sits around the whole city.)

So Oxymoron started his fair, after all he had little to worry about from Mocking Al. He hadn't seen Swine or The Dark Queen since they left for Swine's room three days ago. He was worrying about the smell that was coming from Mt. Nude, where Swine's grand castle sat. He figured that either Swine had died or that he smelled cheese. What confused him even more was that before he left Swine asked if he could borrow Oxymoron's Barney doll. Reluctantly, he let Swine have it. Swine said that he would return it as soon as he and The Dark Queen were done using it. Yesterday, Swine threw Oxymoron's Barney doll out the window to him because he couldn't go any longer without it. There was no evidence of cheese anywhere on the doll, but there was a note attached to it. It said:

Dear Oxymoron,

I'm going to kill you as soon as I get out of here. The Dark Queen won't let me leave my room. The thing is, she's in the room with me. I think she's waiting for me to do something. So I'm stuck up here with no Barney doll now. By the way, if The Dark Queen brags about doing anything here, don't believe her. Even if she's on the good side for the story, I don't make cheese with the enemy.

Your friend in captivity,

Bike Swine

P.S. If your doll smells funny, The Dark Queen did it. If it doesn't, never mind.

Oxymoron smelled his Barney doll and passed out. He had just come conscious a few minutes ago, which was why the festival was just starting now. Oxymoron officially began the festival and went over to the cheese eating table. He knew he would win his cheese eating competition. Bean-O had another idea though. He had come up with a secret weapon. He entered his basset hound Baron in the competition. He said that the dog had to have at least three stomachs. It could eat food for hours on ends and still be hungry.

So at the start of the competition Oxymoron started shoving cheese into his mouth as fast as his fingers would allow him. He intended to break the world record today. Swine had showed up a few moments before the competition started. He looked sick. He looked like he had already been in a cheese eating contest. Somehow, he managed to still shove three pieces of cheese into his mouth before he puked. A member of the Suicide Army walked by. Seizing the opportunity, he ran and slid in the ralphage. Needless to say, he tripped and died.

Chuckles crammed in almost twenty pounds of cheese before he needed to go and worship the porcelain god. The Dark Queen took one bite and said, "This doesn't taste anything like the cheese me and Swine made." Swine only looked at Oxymoron. His face was entirely green. He looked like he waned to say something but was afraid that if he opened his mouth that he would puke again.

Bean-O's dog, Baron was still going strong at thirty seven pounds. Only Oxymoron, Baron, and Swill Swill Swill, who had dropped in for the festivities, hadn't puked yet. The collective sound of toilets flushing rang throughout San Freakville. Bean-O, who had also been in the competition, was sitting beside Swine. He was green in the face, but still wanted to talk to Swine. "So, I hear you and The Dark Queen made cheese."

"I did . . ." was all Swine had a chance to get out before he barfed all over the lawn. "As I was saying," he continued a moment later, "I did not. She only wants you to believe that so that she can raise dissension among our ranks."

"She doesn't even know what dissension means. Now come on, you don't have to be ashamed about it. There are lots of people worse than The Dark Queen."

Swine didn't hear the rest of what Bean-O was saying. His upchucking was too loud to be able to hear him. So no one knows what really happened in Swine's room.

Meanwhile, Swill Swill Swill had dropped out of the race. He clapped his hands, and Peach appeared with a large paper bag. A few minutes later, he appeared with another one. Oxymoron and Baron were still going. They were at fifty six pounds when Swill Swill Swill dropped out.

A minute later Mocking Al and Squid the druglord appeared. "We have destroyed SANTA and are here to rain on your festival." He saw Swine lying on the ground, so he kicked him. Not a bright idea. Swine put his hand over his mouth and started to run. He made it only far enough to get to where Mocking Al was standing. Well, I guess you know what happened. It made quite the mess. Quickly the HN-GONAD team was called to stop Mocking Al. Unfortunately, they were all calling Ralph on the big white phone.

Squid walked over to Baron, who after sixty seven pounds of cheese was showing no signs of slowing down. Oxymoron looked as if his gut was going to explode. He knew that if he stopped eating now, and kept from puking that he might be able to beat Baron the basset hound. He just needed to get the dog to puke. Squid punched Oxymoron in the stomach. "Mommy." Oxymoron said in a weak voice. He tried to keep his cheese down with all of his might. But it just wouldn't stay down. Sixty five pounds of cheese, (Two pounds stayed in.) all over the ground. What a horrible mess.

Mocking Al proceeded to torture Oxymoron. He kept kicking him and punching him in the stomach, trying to bring up his final two pounds of cheese. Bike Swine was still doubled over from the last blow to the stomach when Squid rushed him. She knocked him over and then tied him up. She hung him upside down from a tree. Mocking Al then grabbed Oxymoron by the hair and pulled him over to the tree. He tied him up and left him sitting directly below Swine.

Squid and Mocking Al rounded up most of the half naked Greek dudes. San Freakville was left entirely defenseless. Not even Swill Swill Swill could help. He had been tied up and gagged. He couldn't clap or call for Peach. Since Peach actually lives in another dimension, the dimension of genies, he had no idea of the danger that Swill was in.

"At last. I have finally beaten Oxymoron the Moron and his equally stupid sidekick Bike Swine. You may keep the Dark Queen. I have beaten you without her help. That proves that she was only a hindrance anyway. I have only one question. What is that horrible stench coming from Swine's castle?"

"Swine and I made cheese," said The Dark Queen proudly.

"You traitor! You shall die with him then!"

Mocking Al and Squid carried the sickened Cheesorians outside of the city walls. He tied them all together in a circle in the middle of a grassy field. Then he started to walk away. "Wait!" yelled The Dark Queen. Squid walked closer to her to see what she had to say. But she tripped, and died. (I said that whoever ate the most cheese would get to kill Squid, so that should tell you something.)

Mocking Al laughed. "I have taught her how to come back to life." He said. "She will be back soon." He was right. In a few minutes Squid came back to life. Then they started walking away again. After they had walked about two hundred feet, Mocking Al stopped and pulled out his Fuzzo-Blaster. (Patent pending) He aimed at the ground and fired. The grass caught fire quickly. "Soon the fire will reach you. You will die a hot death." He thought for a moment, and then continued, "If you hadn't killed Squid, Dark Queen, I might have considered letting you live. But apparently Swine means more to you than I do so I'll just have to kill you."

"But it doesn't matter, I'll come back to life again."

"Oh, don't you wish. You see, when I was in Canandia, I anticipated that you would leave me, so I slipped anti-reincarnation pills into your water. You won't come back to life this time."

"But you're Mocking Al, you're stupid. You couldn't have anticipated anything."

"Okay, I'll admit it. When Swill Swill Swill took me back in time, he didn't know how to work the machine at first. He accidentally went into the future first. So I knew it would happen."

Everyone just sort of looked at Swill. "Okay. It was an accident. I never thought it could have such serious repercussions as this."

"Well I'd love to stay and talk, but you're about to die, and, well, I have a new kingdom to rule. Stay cool now. Ha ha ha ha and more evil maniacal laughter."

To Be Continued . . .

We are holding the second half of the story for ransom

Pay us money and we'll let you see it.

-D.S. Inc.