To Kill A Mocking Al

4.5

Al Gets Tortured

By: The Ingenious Mike (No, I don't have an ego problem) Stine

Published by: Sean "the Oxymoron" Miller of D.S. Inc.

To those of you who think I am demented, good job. You have finally figured out one of the truths in life.

Note to reader (especially ones who think I am demented): You must have a really active imagination. You jumped to conclusions and grasped for every possible double meaning that you could find. However for your own sake (possibly mine) I have cleared up the whole incident in question and made it so that not even your sick and twisted mind can find some kind of double meaning in it.

Second Note to reader: I don't feel like writing a long (non) title page today so just read this sentence over and over again, so it seems like it is longer.

Third Note to reader: Stay on the lookout for the Book of Stupid Cheese cowritten by Mike Stine and Sean "the Oxymoron" Miller.

When we last left our heroes, they were about to become not-so-tasty-crispy. The evil maniacal Mocking Al had captured them and had them placed in the middle of a field. He then set the field on fire. Let's watch and see what happens next . . .

"Oh it's you again." said Oxymoron the Moron. "I thought that you had left before finishing the story." Just then, two Persian cats walked past our heroes. It was later found that the cats' names were Fluffy and Omar. "Here kitty kitty. I want you to do something for me." The two cats walked over to Oxymoron. "Now, see that fire, I want you to put it out." The two cats walked over to the fire and urinated on it. A flame jumped out at the two cats. Fluffy was the first to go, as he caught on fire and ran about, apparently trying to put the fire out. Omar then caught on fire. He ran about too. In fact, he ran over to Chuckles, and caught him on fire too.

"Help me. I'm on fire!" yelled a terrified Chuckles.

"Like, duh. We know you're on fire. There isn't much we can do about it." replied Bike Swine.

So Chuckles stood there and burned, just like Fluffy and Omar. Apparently Fluffy and Omar had already used up their other eight lives, because they didn't live through the ordeal. Of course Chuckles, being the invincible good guy that he is, somehow managed to live.

One of the flames from Chuckles lashed out at Swill Swill Swill and singed the ropes that he was bound by. This gave him an idea. He held out the ropes, hoping that he could somehow burn through them. Unfortunately, (well at least from a certain point) Chuckles had been extinguished. So the fire swept closer and closer.

Suddenly a flying carpet appeared over our heroes. On top of it was Swill Swill Swill. "How in the world?!" exclaimed The Dark Queen.

The Swill that was sitting on top of the carpet answered her question. "After you we were rescued, and after I discovered the time machine, I went back in time in order to rescue you. (I know that this doesn't make any sense, but they do this in poorly written movies all of the time. Just don't think about it too much or you'll get a headache.) (Send me money.) Because of doing this, the fabric of time has been ripped and I can only travel through time when deemed necessary. (As I deem necessary.) So I can't go back in time and completely wipe out Mocking Al's ancestry. Besides these stories would have no point if I could do that."

So just as the brave Cheesorians were about to be consumed by fire, they were saved by a second Swill Swill Swill. Just as quickly as he appeared, Swill Swill Swill disappeared.

"Okay, we have a mission to complete." announced Oxymoron the Moron to the rest of his Cheesorians comrades. "This means Mocking Al must die an incredibly horrible death." (My geniusness is already in gear, and might I say, it has come up with a great idea.)

Meanwhile, back in San Freakville, several months had gone by. (Hey, this is a fantasy story; I can do anything I want to do. If you don't like it, blame Al.) Mocking Al and Squid got tired of looking at Oxymoron's Super Awesome Tower of Cheese, so, well, they tore it down. With one pathetic stick of dynamite, he made the entire eighty-seven story tower collapse to the ground. (Makes you really wonder about building codes in Cheesoria, doesn't it?) In place of the tower Mocking Al constructed a shrine to the nonexistent dingy god. He made the citizens of San Freakville come to it to worship every day.

Throughout the whole city, evil Al propaganda was distributed. Luckily, most of it was folded up into paper airplanes and then stored up in hopes that the citizens could one day launch a massive paper airplane assault. Mocking Al had however set up an Elastic government and had converted the entire Suicide Army to the religion of Dingyism, the worship of the nonexistent dingy god. The Suicide Army was now under Mocking Al's evil control.

Squid was using her alien technology to search for money to buy drugs. She had already raided all of the crackhouses in San Freakville and used up the drugs. (In case you're wondering, the only crackhouses in San Freakville are the ones that are owned by Bike Swine, which was another of his poorly thought out attempts to gain money.) So Squid searched for the nation's treasury. She used her alien scanners to inspect each building. The first place that she checked, was probably the most obvious. She scanned Oxymoron's house for money. She found that over five million dollars had been stored in empty beer cans. She also found a note with them:

To whoever finds this,

I don't think I can trust Bike Swine. Every time I collect taxes, he volunteers to do it. And everytime, he collects the money, we come up about a million dollars short. I am beginning to think that he has been embezzling the kingdom's money. It makes me furious. How dare he embezzle the money that is supposed to be spent on important services like Cheesaid, and Cheescare, and not tell me about it? I thought that we had agreed that any money he embezzled from the kingdom would be split evenly between us. I hid this money here so Swine wouldn't be able to take it.

Send me money,

Oxymoron the Moron

Then Squid discovered another letter:

To whoever finds this,

Don't tell Oxymoron this, but I found his secret money that was stored in the empty beer cans. I also drank his beer, but that's another story. I took around twenty million dollars from them. He has a lot of nerve writing a letter saying that he thought I was embezzling money. I have never stolen money from the kingdom. After he is through embezzling his share of the tax money, I get him really drunk. Hence all of the empty beer cans. Then some money from his embezzled money is stolen and given to the poor. Namely me! If he realized how much money I spend in a week then he'd understand.

Send me more money than Oxymoron,

Bike Swine the poor guy

Using her higher than the average Cheesorian intelligence, Squid the druglord decided to search Bike Swine's home on top of Mt. Nude for money. However, she found not a red cent. Who knows what he could have spent it on? She did notice that when she went to the kitchen that it was piled full of cheese. Some of it was getting moldy. Then she saw one of Bike Swine's chefs. He was making cheese. "Why are you doing that?" asked Squid.

"A few months ago when Swine was last here, he told me that he and The Dark Queen had made a bet as to who could eat the most cheese. So he told me to make cheese. He told me to make lots of cheese. As a matter of fact, he told me to keep making cheese until he told me to stop. And he has never told me to stop. (This here is proof enough that Cheesorians are not that smart.) Swine asked to borrow Oxymoron's Barney doll because his doll was burned two days before when San Freakville was burned down. Swill Swill Swill didn't make him a new Barney doll. Swine had wanted to hold the cheese eating contest in the kitchen so that I wouldn't have to bring cheese to his room all of the time. But The Dark Queen insisted that they hold the contest in Swine's bedroom, which is lavishly decorated. She said that she couldn't eat with all the distractions of the kitchen and wanted to go as far away from it as possible, which just happens to be Swine's room. I personally think that she was trying to raise dissension among our ranks by making cheese with Bike Swine, but that could just be me being persuaded by his propaganda again. (Send me money) (If Swine's room looks anything like mine, she couldn't walk inside the room.) While they were in the middle of their contest Swine asked to go to the bathroom, but The Dark Queen wouldn't let him. She said that unless she watched him, she wouldn't know if he puked in the toilet. So she got really mad at him when he left to go to the bathroom anyway. When he came back, she threw the Barney doll at him, and it landed in a pile of cheese. Swine got another of his servants to clean the doll off, but it still smelled horrible."

"Then what was the smile on Swine's face about? And who won then?" asked Squid.

"Didn't you read last story? Oxymoron said that whoever ate the most cheese would get to kill you. And to answer your original question, Swine was smiling because even though he lost, he still had eaten more cheese than Oxymoron."

"Okay, I have one more question. What was the deal with Swine saying that he might make cheese with The Dark Queen if she was on the good side all of the time?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Alien ESP. Okay?"

"Well you see. I hate to admit this, but I think some of the cheese that I gave Swine was fermented. Swine was obviously drunk when he wrote the letter to Oxymoron. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find some place to put this last batch of cheese."

Squid left and walked past the dingy shrine. She saw Mocking Al there with Oxymoron's HN-GONAD. He had brainwashed them and made them part of his kingly cabinet. He called his cabinet WIMP. (Pronounced wimp.) We're Important Majestic People.

A distance from the city, a few months had passed in a matter of seconds. "Whoa, I have to go to the bathroom really bad. I feel like I haven't gone in a few months," said Bean-O. So Bean-O extinguished what was left of the fire.

"Now we must quickly plan our assault on Mocking Al" said Bike Swine. "I have a feeling that the wind is going to change direction and that stench is going to blow back this way."

"I have a plan," said Swill Swill Swill. "After I find the time machine in 4.6 I'll go to different times and bring back every Oxymoron that existed at every nanosecond. Then we'll have a full army."

"No I have a better plan," said Oxymoron. Then he started to whisper so that you couldn't hear him.

After the plan was made Oxymoron the Moron, Bike Swine, Bean-O, Swill Swill Swill, Chuckles, and The Dark Queen left for San Freakville. When they arrived they found that a wall had been constructed around three feet of San Freakville. There was a sign that hung on it. It said: (well it didn't really say anything) Wall of Opposition: I dare you to try to get past this.

So Oxymoron walked around the three-foot wall. He went to look for one of his Elite Suicide Army members. After he found one, he told him his plan. The Elite Suicide Army member then left. He walked up to Mocking Al. "I have top secret information that I'm not allowed to tell." you said the man.

"Oh really. I think I might be able to coax it out of you." (Obviously Mocking Al didn't know whom he was talking to.) He brought the man to his torture chamber. "Here look at this." Mocking Al opened open a door. Behind it was Oxymoron's mother. The man stood still.

"Noooooooo! You can't be human. Every man I shown that to has killed himself. So I guess I'll have to think of something else." He tied the man down and cut off his big toe. Then he cut off his thumb. The man only laughed. Then he killed himself. "Ha! I knew he couldn't take the pain."

Mocking Al turned to leave and noticed that a barrage of paper airplanes was flying towards him. "My propaganda! They'll pay for this!" Mocking Al ran to his dingy shrine and saw that Squid was already there.

Suddenly Squid got up and started to walk away. "I am sensing something strange with my alien ESP. Stay here."

"It's probably only the drugs." mumbled Mocking Al. Squid walked behind a building, out of Al's sight. Bike Swine's foot darted out from the darkness and Squid fell and died. She won't reincarnate again this story because Swill Swill Swill will go back in time after 4.6 and put anti-reincarnation in Squid's drink.

Mocking Al was sitting on top of his dingy shrine when suddenly Oxymoron appeared in front of him. "Give up you evil fiend." said Oxymoron the Moron. "I have you surrounded."

"Yeah right. You and what army?"

"I'm so glad you asked," said Oxymoron. He snapped his fingers and suddenly a billion Oxymorons appeared. (And what manly Oxymorons they were.)

"Wha?! How'd you do that?!"

"I'm not telling you, I already told the people reading this. If you want to know, read the story."

Suddenly the entire population of Oxymorons began belching a song that was from the book "Stories Designed to Torture Mocking Al's" edition seven with flannelly subliminal messages.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" whispered Mocking Al. "I can't take it." He then simultaneously combusted. But then a Persian cat (not a commie cat) walked up at urinated on him. "I'm melting. Nooooooooooo. At least there are no "Stories Designed to Torture Mocking Al's" in the land of Death. But I'll be back don't forget that."

The city of San Freakville was soon rebuilt with the help of Peach. The Dark Queen became severely depressed over the death of Mocking Al. She visited the shrine built to the nonexistent dingy god ever hour on the hour. She looked down inside of the concrete dingy. A puddle was the only thing that was left of Mocking Al.

Finally one day Oxymoron decided that he wanted to rebuild his tower on the same sight that it used to be on. This would require tearing down the shrine to the nonexistent dingy god. This is when The Dark Queen really flipped. She started to eat constantly. After a week, all of the cheese the Swine's chef had made over the past months was gone. Even the moldy cheese. Swine was going to ask her to cut back on her eating, but in afterthought, he decided that telling a female to watch their weight was not a bright idea. Especially seeing how psychotic The Dark Queen had become. (Maybe Swine's brighter than we thought.)

Swine had to quit his outside activities (whatever they may be) to be able to afford to feed The Dark Queen. At last, one day The Dark Queen ate so much that she exploded. She made quite a mess. Luckily though, Oxymoron ordered that she be cleaned up from Swine's house. Her remains were mixed in with the rest of San Freakville's school's food. It actually improved the flavor. (Yes I ate it so I know how it tasted.)

And so the kingdom of Cheesoria returned to maniacal and psychotic and other cool adjectives soon after the death of The Dark Queen. But one day some one saw the school food move . . . (Interpret this as you see fit.)

THE END

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