To Kill A Mocking Al:
4.6
Swill Swill Swill Finds a Time Machine
Warning: In this Swill Swill Swill finds a time machine. If you find this to be offensive in any way, then you probably shouldn't read this story. If you find cheese particularly offensive, then I must say that you are pretty messed up. Everyone likes cheese. People say I belong in an asylum, but if you don't like cheese, then you need more help than I do.
For future reference: To clarify the meaning of making cheese, I will first define cheese. Cheese- a food made from the curds of soured milk pressed together to form a solid that is usually allowed to ripen. Make is defined as- well there is 60 definitions of make, so you can look it up. I also suggest that you don't try to apply the slang meaning of make that I found in the dictionary. If making cheese would ever be interpreted as that, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Anyway, there is NO double meaning to making cheese. If there was a double meaning there, I'd do a much better job at hiding it, in order to avoid any lawsuits that may occur.
Warning to reader: An evil communist appears in this story for the first time. One must avoid picturing the evil communist at all costs. Permanent mental damage will be the result of picturing the commie. Therefore, I will not even describe the evil communist. That would be trying to make you, the reader, even more messed up than you already are. (I know. You're already saying that you aren't messed up. Well, you're reading this story, aren't you? My point exactly.)
Okay, you already know what is going to happen. I've only mentioned it in the two proceeding stories. So I'm just going to start the story with.
"Wow!" exclaimed Swill Swill Swill. "If I wasn't already told by my future self that I would find this, I wouldn't believe it. It's an actual time machine. I guess I should get in it and do all of the things I am supposed to do." So Swill Swill Swill got in the time machine and headed for his first destination. A minute later he arrived back. He had completed all of his tasks.
Just as he landed the time machine, smoke started to pour from every possible location. "Well isn't this nice? I hope this thing is still under warrantee." Of course there's no such thing as time machine insurance, so a minute after finding the time machine, it was rendered useless.
(Now you don't know what is going to happen in the rest of the story, do you? The title of the story was only good for the first two paragraphs. Okay, I'll give it a second title. "To Kill a Mocking Al: 4.6 Al Dies". I hope you're happy. You now know even less about the story than you did before. Is that possible? Who cares? I'm writing this story, and you are subject to my torture until the end of this story. Unless of course you just stopped reading. Now I might have a problem, because you just might take my suggestion. But if you do, I'll send you a picture of Al. It is so hideous that instead of how some things glow in the dark, this draws light in towards it. It is a virtual black hole, except black holes are too cool to be associated with Al.)
Back in the manly kingdom of Cheesoria, things were as psychotic as usual. (I think that I might be the only person on the planet that can spell psychotic correctly. I wonder why that would be.)
Chuckles was developing more maniacal (another difficult word to spell) military strategies. (This makes me wonder why words that are oft used to describe me are so hard to spell.) Bean-O had been promoted to leader of all of the Suicide Army, half-naked Greek dudes, HN GONAD, and Swine's full platoon of completely naked Greek dudes. (I know, they haven't been mentioned for five stories. If it makes you feel any better, they took a vacation to Antarctica.) (Don't think what I know you're already thinking.) Oxymoron found Bean-O's act of putting out the fire in the last story, very heroic for some odd reason. That or he was getting tired of leading the sadly pathetic Suicide Army. I think it might have been the latter.
Bean-O's dog had been king for the length of time that Oxymoron had promised. The kingdom was actually in better condition for the period of time that Baron ruled than what it was usually. (Now can anyone guess why?)
And what were the leaders of the country of Cheesoria doing while these things were taking place? The same place you would be if you weren't reading this story, were mentally deranged, have an incredible fascination for cheese, and have nothing better to do. Bike Swine and Oxymoron the Moron were playing poker on the top of the 87 story Tower of Cheese.
"I win again," said Swine.
"That's the nineteenth time in a row that you've won. I want to inspect this deck that we are using. I knew it was a bad idea for me to agree to use your deck. You've needed even more money since you had to feed The Dark Queen in the last story. I wouldn't put it past you to cheat."
"No. I wouldn't never fool someone who is almost as stupid as I am." (Note the double negative.)
"Then let me see the deck."
"Get your own deck. This one's mine."
"Swine, let me see the deck."
"Okay, we'll use your deck." Swine said, as he threw his entire deck over the edge of the building. The box plunged 87 stories and struck Chuckles in the head. Then it bounced off, and Chuckles continued to walk.
In a far away galaxy, a cosmic mishap was taking place. From the penitentiary of the close to mentally stable, an evil communist had escaped. The commie jumped into a nearby spaceship and took off. Galaxy after galaxy was thrown into turmoil as the communist passed through them. He/she/it (since I won't even reveal the sex of the commie so you can't even get a general picture of the commie) landed in Canadia sometime between the last story, and this one. Thanks to the time machine that Swill Swill Swill found, Mocking Al was still in Canadia and in Cheesoria at the same time.
So, as luck would have it, (Or more as I would have it) the commie and Mocking Al happened upon each other. Since I'm tired of writing the commie, I will now refer to he/she/it as Red. Red agreed to take Mocking Al to Cheesoria if he would give he/she/it a place to hide. So Red took Mocking Al back to Cheesoria. (In case you haven't realized it, two Mocking Als, Squid the Druglord, The Dark Queen, and Red will make a mess in Cheesoria.) Canadia detected Red's ship leaving the planet and used scanners to tell where it was headed. They immediately sent word to Cheesoria.
Upon receiving the news from an interdimensional transmission Oxymoron said, "Darn fools, they forgot that Cheesoria is in a different dimension from Canadia. They can fly all they want and never reach Cheesoria." But at that very moment, as luck (or I once again) would have it, an interdimensional rift opened in front of Red's ship. Red, being almost sane, knew what it was and flew into it. And it just happened to take them to the same dimension as Cheesoria was in. So, thinking that they were in no danger, the people of Cheesoria went about their normal business.
Not far from San Freakville, the trio of evil had come back to life once again. The Dark Queen had been eaten by the school children of Cheesoria, and had finally returned to life in the sewer system outside of San Freakville. Thanks to the generous donation of eighty cents that I received at school, the evil trio were able to construct a stronghold made entirely air, with a few sticks used to make the roof. (Don't ask me how air held up a roof of sticks, I only write the stories. You need to consult the logic department to answer that one.)
Outside of the stronghold, Squid planted poppy seeds, marijuana (another hard word that I can somehow spell) and other hallucinogenic plants. Mocking Al had built another shrine to the non-existent dingy god. And The Dark Queen sat down and ate cheese. She apparently still had a craving for cheese. Suddenly a bright flash lit up the sky. It was followed by a streak that was at least a mile long.
"A UFO has come to get me." screamed Mocking Al. He ran to The Dark Queen for protection.
"Just what is so bad about aliens?" asked Squid.
"They scare me. You never know what may crawl out of them." (Of aliens or UFO's?)
"I think we should go inspect it," said Squid.
So she and The Dark Queen left to inspect where the UFO landed. Al volunteered to guard the air stronghold. When Squid and The Dark Queen arrived at what was left of the UFO, they saw Mocking Al.
Al spoke first. "My friends, I have returned."
"I see you decided to come along anyway," said the Dark Queen. "Have you found anything yet?"
"Nothing other than an evil communist named Red."
"Okay, tell me if you find anything important."
"Did you say an evil communist named Red?" asked Squid. "He/she/it is the closest to sane person in all of the easily accessible dimensions. You can't be serious."
"Yeah I am. Red asked if he/she/it could hide in Cheesoria."
"Well fine, he/she/it can stay back at the air stronghold." So they returned to the air stronghold with Red.
Back in San Freakville, Oxymoron was still losing to Bike Swine in poker. "I guess that you must beat me through the sheer fact that you need the money is causing you to win." Oxymoron said to Swine. "Either that, or your the biggest cheater that has ever stepped foot in Cheesoria. If I counted right, you just beat me 46 games straight."
"Well thank you for your remark. I am pretty good at what I do."
Oxymoron doesn't say a word but has a certain look on his face that is indescribable, but yet I'm sure you can picture it.
"Well, I think that we had originally agreed that we were playing for five hundred dollars a game. I think you owe me twenty three thousand dollars."
"Let's play paper-rock-scissors. Double or nothing." So they played. After twelve games, Oxymoron the Moron gave up. "I don't know how it is possible to cheat in paper-rock-scissors, but I swear somehow you did it."
"Well that's nice. Now let's see. We played twelve games, each at double or nothing." A short pause while Swine figures this out. "You owe me 94,208,000 dollars. I accept cash, checks, and all major credit cards."
"Well, there goes my beer fund for the week."
"Actually, for the next two weeks. You still owe me 5,000,000 from last week."
"I'll have the money delivered to you in an hour." By the time the hour was up, Oxymoron had delivered almost a billion pennies to Swine's house.
"This will almost pay off my debts. Now if only I could think of an easy way to get all of these pennies to where they're supposed to go . . ." mumbled Swine.
At that moment a turtle came crawling up to Oxymoron. (Turtles were Cheesoria's newest enhancement of their postal service. They've been around for a while, I just haven't told you about them. Instead of taking the energy to pick up a letter and letting it blow away, you just looked at the turtle, and if it wasn't your letter, you let the turtle go on its way. This saved hundreds of cents, rounded up of course. It was unfortunately a bit slower.) The note read:
Dear Oxymoron the Moron,
I decline your offer. However, I will in turn make my own. If you come to my stronghold, you will be given a medal of valor and stupidity.
After accepting the medal, my friends of the Suckup will apprehend you. Then you will be speedily dispatched in some entertaining way.
Your pal,
Mocking Al Suckup
"Hey wait a minute!" said Oxymoron. "I already read this letter. It was the one that Mocking Al sent me in the first story. Apparently the fool sent it to me using turtle mail. Then after I didn't get it, he finally sent one UPS. That makes me mad. I'll have to kick his sorry butt twice in this story.
And of course Oxymoron was right. He would have to kick Mocking Al's sorry butt twice in this story. Which reminds me, let's check in on our sorry non-heroes.
(A small amount of time had elapsed since we last checked in on our heroes. It was somewhere around two weeks.) "What in the world?!" screamed The Dark Queen.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, it's horrible cried Squid."
For the first time in this story Red actually talked. "Thee is the scariest afterimage I haft ever beheld. Art thou Pluto himself, you Mephistophelean type person?" (That was too difficult to write. No more speaking for Red. Please note that he/she/it wants to be like Shakespeare.)
For the first time, the two Mocking Al's had been seen side by side. "Whoa, is that what I look like." said Mocking Al #1. "I've never actually seen my reflection, every mirror I look into shatters into a billion pieces."
"Man, I'm ugly," said Mocking #2. "I don't know how anyone can stand to look at me. It must be the lack of brain cells that keeps everyone from running away from me."
"This makes me wonder, just why the heck are there two Mocking Al's here?" So the five sat down and tried to figure it out. After two weeks of attempting to think, the entire forest filled with smoke. So they just decided to accept the fact that there were now two Mocking Al's.
Suddenly a Suicide Army member stumbled upon the five. They rose to attack, but the man took off. Squid followed pursuit. The man picked up speed and ran directly into a tree. However he didn't die. So Squid drug his unconscious body back to the air stronghold. "I'm going to grind his bones up so I can make more drugs." she said, thinking he was dead. "Help me find some ingredients to make drugs."
So they left in search of components to make drugs. While they were gone, the Suicide Army member came conscious again. "I have to return to San Freakville and warn everyone of this attempted kakistrocy." (Kakistrocy is a word. It is government by the worst people in society. If you don't believe me look in an unabridged dictionary.)
Back in San Freakville, Oxymoron was warned of the evilness that was going on. I know you're wondering how a Suicide Army member could do anything important. Well, I have an explanation. The person was actually Bean-O. (He's allowed to actually accomplish something, because he never dies.) Bean-O was disguised. So Oxymoron set out for the air stronghold. He took all his army with him. However Swine was not in Cheesoria. He had left, saying something about paying off his debts. No one knew where he was going, but Chuckles thought that he heard him say something about the Amazon.
As Oxymoron was leaving, Chuckles came up to him. "Here use this," he said. And he handed Oxymoron a piece of paper. Oxymoron decided to leave HN-GONAD at home. He also left a message for Swine saying where they were and how long it would take to beat up Al.
Back at the air stronghold, Red the Commie was roaming around frantically. "My almost saneness is telling me that the man that escaped is bad news for us. I think we should move the stronghold."
"What are you talking about. No one in Cheesoria is smart enough to look for us. Besides Suicide Army members can never serve any purpose other than comic relief." So they stayed where they were. Bad move. Only minutes later the air stronghold was being bombarded by paper airplanes.
"Oh no!" everyone shouted. They ran out of the air stronghold, but found that they were surrounded. Red somehow managed to escape without Oxymoron noticing. Oxymoron decided that he was getting tired of Mocking Al. He had a plan that would make him, actually both of them, think twice about coming back to life again. He devised a torture that was so evil that it is beyond all evilness. It is more evil than reading a book written in Latin. More evil than living in Vatican City, and speaking Latin all of your life. More evil, well almost, than evil Communist educators! "What is it?" you ask. I'm not sure if I want to tell you yet.
-Get a Coke- -Kill Al- -Send me money-
Okay I'll tell you now. Mocking Al decided to tie the two Mocking Al's up. Not very evil, you say. What if I say this? He tied them, so that they were facing each other. After staring at each other for two minutes, I told you how I kill everyone else first.
Oxymoron tied Squid and The Dark Queen together. First he handed The Dark Queen the piece of paper that Chuckles had given him. The Dark Queen read the paper, fell over dead, then handed the paper to Squid. Squid read the paper, fell over dead, looked for someone to pass the paper to, and died again after finding no one.
On the paper, it said: Read This. Die. Hand This Paper To The Next Person That Is Tied Up With You. "Uh, Chuckles," said Oxymoron, "I think you got your words screwed around."
"So what. It served its purpose."
"Good point. Now let's get back to Al." The two Al's had been staring at each other for over three minutes. Suddenly Al #1 spontaneously combusted. His last words were, "Hurray, no Oxymoron's in the land of death." (We'll have to do something about this now won't we?)
The second Mocking Al started yelling, "Hurray I win the staring contest." Unfortunately before he could finish speaking, Bean-O picked up Mocking Al, and threw him across the forest. He landed on, of all people, Chuckles. Chuckles then picked him up and threw him into a tree. Suddenly, Swill Swill Swill showed up. He summoned Peach and Peach shot lightning bolts at Al. Finally, Oxymoron snuck up behind Al, tapped him on the shoulder, and yelled "Boo!" Mocking Al was so scared that his heart stopped, and he died.
While all this was going on, Red was making a break for his/her/its ship. Then he/she/it arrived. "Oh no." he/she/it groaned. "I forgot, my ship crash landed on the planet. I'll just have to find some place to hide on the planet." But suddenly, a fist struck him/her/it in the back of the head. It was Swine! (Ha! You didn't think I would let the Commie get away. I have to be the one to kill the Commie, since it's my story.) After several more blows to the head, Red fell unconscious. This was when Swine decided to have his fun. He pulled a chainsaw from his pants. (Don't even ask what it's doing there. I don't know, and if I did, I wouldn't bother to explain.) He proceeded to cut off Red's head.
Then Swine started to stuff cheese into the Commie's head. "I'm going to mount this, and put it on my wall." Swine said. And so he did. He left Red's body lying where it was. He took the head of Red home, and finished stuffing it with cheese. And he hung Red's head on his wall.
And the people rejoiced. They danced in the streets. And they sang. "Ding dong, the Commie's dead, the Commie's dead, the Commie's dead. Ding Dong, the wicked Commie's dead." And the people were happy. Once again, insanity had triumphed over almost sane people. And the people were happy. For the Commie was dead. And the people were happy. And Al was dead. And the people were happy. (Are you noticing a rhythm here?) But one day, Red's head was missing from Swine's mantle. And the people were happy. Hey! Wait a minute. That's not what is supposed to happen. Okay, the people were NOT happy. They went about and set each other on fire. For they were not happy. And this story has ended. And they were not happy.
THE END