To Kill A Mocking Al:

4.7

Al in the Land of Death

Story written entirely by Mike Stine

All compliments shall be given to him

All dislikes, faults, errors, or any other ugly thing are Al's fault. Complain to him.

Warning to reader: Cheese has been found to cause constipation if eaten in large amounts. While making cheese, do not eat more than you make. This could be very detrimental to your health.

Warning 2: I am psychotic. If you don't believe me, you may also need help.

Warning 3: Oxymoron rules. Bike Swine rules. Bean-O rules. Chuckles rules. Al sucks.

If these statements conflict with your opinion in any way, you may need to go to anti-communism school. There you will be taught proper values. You will also be taught that the non-existent dingy god doesn't really exist.

Warning 4: I like cheese. I like to eat cheese. I like to make cheese. (I'm not saying with whom.)

Warning 5: Don't read this sentence.

Warning 6: Don't read this story unless you think you are funny looking, dumb, like Al, or have nothing better to do.

Warning 7: Don't listen to Commies.

Warning 8: I don't know what else to warn you about.

Mentally

Drunken Sailors Inc.

Bike Swine Telephone (555) 555-5555

All Psychotic Game Freak Fax (555) 555-555

301 Cheese Street

This story takes place in an entirely new setting. I've written this story in order to answer the age-old question, "Where does Al go when he dies?" This story will answer that question, and bring about many more that I will let you ponder over for weeks until I write a stinking story to answer them.

Once upon a time in the land of death, an evil Mocking Al appeared. It was shortly after Mocking Al had died in the first story, that he had appeared in this place. It was, to say, the afterlife. But eventually, the person in charge of the land of death got tired of putting up with Al, and sent him back to earth.

Mocking Al had just arrived back in the land of death from his latest excursion back to Cheesoria. (You see, Mocking Al's permanent residence is the land of death, Cheesoria is only his unfortunate summer home.)

"I see you're dead again," said the non-flannel-clad man standing behind a large white podium. "Frankly, I'm getting tired of seeing you here. I'm bringing you back to life one more time, and if you die again, I'm sending you somewhere else."

"Oh thank you mister. I promise I won't die again."

"You better not. Your fate will be much worse somewhere else." And with that, the non-flannel clad man sent Mocking Al back to Cheesoria.

Once again, Al appeared in Cheesoria. Unfortunately he was still a bit groggy from his reincarnation, and wandered about dopily. Without knowing it, he wandered onto the street. And, wouldn't you know it, Oxymoron the Moron was out for a joyride in the Weenie mobile.

"Hey, look, there's Al!" yelled Oxymoron. "They must have gotten tired of him already in the land of death. I think I'll just kill him now, and then go on vacation."

SPLAT! That was the only thing to be heard in the following seconds. I don't think I need to tell you what happened to Mocking Al.

"Oh man! You're back already. I think that's a new record. You were alive for a whole three minutes before you croaked again. Of course, there are lots of little babies that are killed before they are even born, but that doesn't count! I warned you, now you get sent to that other place I warned you about." The non-flannel clad man pulled a lever, and watched as a hole opened up directly below Al.

"This is gonna suck!" yelled Mocking Al, as he began his downward plunge. After three days of falling, and a lot of yelling along with it, Al finally hit bottom. SPLAT! Mocking Al was forced into a little puddle. However, seeing how he was already dead, he didn't die. As pain surged through his body, he began to wish he hadn't made God angry with him. Finally after about a month of being squished in the position of an accordion, Al's body reformed to its usual, ugly shape.

A man came up to speak to him. "Welcome. I am Golgotha the leader of Hell! (Satan is on vacation. That's why Al isn't constantly burning. Satan took the fire with him.) Satan will be back at the end of time, until then I'm in charge."

"Oh gee, I guess that would explain why it's so nice around here. By the way, who's your interior decorator?"

"Silence you imbecile. Who gave you the power to be funny? You don't have enough brains if you were to multiply your brains by a thousand to make a joke."

"I think the fall must have did it to me. A few rocks penetrated my skull, I think one must still be in there. Immediately, I felt much smarter. (Oh my, this is scary. Al with actual brains, well rocks, if I weren't the one writing this story, that could prove to be bad.) (Please note: I never even insinuated that Al had brains. I said rocks. Rocks multiplied his brainpower by millions. And of course zero times anything takes an infinite amount to reach anything above zero, so Al must have been in the negative brains or something.) By the way, Golgotha, I think this place sucks. You must be some kind of red freak or something." (Apparently, not even the rocks could help him. They only managed to increase his wit. Which actually helps me, because an Al that tries to be funny, and has no sense of what is too far can be very good for the story line. And excruciatingly painful for Al.)

"That's it! No wonder everyone in Cheesoria commits suicide. You are the dumbest piece of cow pie I have ever seen." (Golgotha isn't allowed to say bad words in Hell. Swearing is reserved for Satan only.)

"Hey, you didn't swear. Aren't you allowed to? I bet you're scared that Satan will do something bad if you break one of his rules. You're just a big chicken."

"Silence! I shall beat you until your pathetic head caves in!"

"You're just a big chicken. Hey watch this. I think you're a big #**( ()^&#@*&"

"You will be sentenced to the worst possible torture imaginable for that act of stupidity."

"Oh yeah. I'll even swear in Latin. I think you're a big stercus caput."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Not Latin." At that moment Golgotha melted into a puddle of ooze. His last words were, "I hope you enjoy your stay here."

Mocking Al walked bout Hell for a period of three months, twelve days, twenty-seven hours, sixty five minutes, 666 seconds, and a couple of nanoseconds, before running into a large- hmmm. I don't know what I should call it. I think I'll just leave it as a hmmm. So Al ran into a large hmmm. And it was very large. And it was a hmmm. Al didn't like it. It was a hmmm. (I don't think that sounds as cool as the first time it was tried, but adds humor to the story anyway.) Al stared at the hmmm. "Hmmm," he said, "I don't know what to do about this hmmm. I can't go around the hmmm. I can't go over the hmmm. I can't go under the hmmm. (After all, we're in Hell. You can't go any lower than Hell.) I guess I'll have to do the only thing that I'm good at, I'll annoy it."

"Hi, how are you?" said Al to the hmmm. "My name's Al. People say I'm annoying. People say I talk too much. Do you think I talk too much?"

The hmmm, being a stinking inanimate object, was unable to respond.

"I guess you don't think I talk too much. Other wise you would have said something by now. Unless I'm talking to an inanimate object. But I wouldn't be stupid enough to talk to an inanimate object. I'm Al. I was once king of all of Cheesoria. But then the evil Oxymoron overthrew me. Hey, why I don't I tell you my life story? I have, let's see now, (why Al thinks you can go get a Coke) the rest of eternity to tell you it."

At the moment Al said the rest of eternity, the hmmm immediately uprooted itself and ran off. (Pretty good for an inanimate object.) Al could now walk past it.

Al wandered about for somewhere around an eon, but I'm not exactly sure what the time was. It may have been a bit longer than an eon, or a bit shorter than an eon. It could have been exactly an eon, but since an eon is an indefinite amount of time, we can't say he walked for an eon. We can only say for around an eon, since no one can be sure.

Finally, Al got tired of wandering. So he sat down. He took off his shoes, for his feet were tired. Gaseous vapors came off of Al's evil feet, and you Al passed out from the smell. Everything around Al turned black. The image that you are picturing in your head even began to sag. Everything stunk.

Finally the end of time came. Satan returned to Hell, and found Mocking Al still passed out. Satan, being pure evil itself, decided to wake Al up. He turned the fires of Hell back on. So Al awoke, nice and warm. "Youch!" hollered Al. "That hurts!"

"I'm so glad you dislike it. I've read the report on you. You've been a naughty Al. You were swearing while I was gone. You spoke Latin. You swore in Latin. You murdered my head demon Golgotha. You made my hmmm commit suicide. And these are only the things that you've done in this story so far. As it is written in the Bible, 'They will be punished with everlasting destruction . . . 2 Thessalonians 1:9.' I have the deed of punishing you. I have had an eternity to think about it, and I've come up with the worst possible torment."

(We interrupt this story to declare that Al is presently in trouble. Hell is not the greatest place to spend the rest of eternity. As it is written, 'They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever." Revelation 20:10 "And the smoke of their torment rises forever and ever. There is no rest day or night . . ." Revelation 14:11. This isn't even one of those places that is nice to visit!)

Then Satan continued after I interrupted him, "And since I'm stuck here with you to also be tortured, I'm going to make sure that it sucks as much for you as it does for me." And with a wave of his hand, Al disappeared.

Al awoke to find himself strapped into a bed with a funnel shoved in his mouth. He wondered what was going on, but his question was soon answered. Oxymoron the moron walked into the room and explained it too him.

"Since you've been a bad Al, you've been sentenced to eternal torment. So you're stuck with me for eternity. You'll also be displeased to know that your only friends have betrayed you and are taking advantage of the opportunity to get back at you for all of your stupid plans. Now if you'll remain still, I'll proceed with the first method of torture."

Oxymoron instantly was holding a bottle of grape juice. A very large bottle. And he began to pour it into Al's mouth through use of the funnel. We all know the laws of physics say that a container, such as Al's bladder, can only hold the amount of liquid equivalent to the size of the container. Well, Mocking Al's bladder isn't a gallon. But Oxymoron continued to pour until the whole gallon of grape juice was empty. (Notice it is grape juice. That also has another evil and maniacal use.) (Also please note that Mocking Al is too stupid to resist the manliness of Oxymoron.) After Oxymoron was finished, he untied Mocking Al.

Mocking Al immediately rushed to the bathroom. Unfortunately, it was locked. Mocking Al pounded on the door. "Who's in there? I need to go to the bathroom really bad."

"I'm in here." a voice replied.

"Who's is I?" asked Al in a perplexed manner.

"The Dark Queen. Now who are you?"

"It is me, Mocking Al. Please let me in. I feel that my bladder is going to blow at any second."

"Didn't you listen to Oxymoron's warning? I'm against you in this story. I'm obligated to torture you. But since it isn't in my nature to kill stupid animals, I'll let you in as soon as I am done."

So Mocking Al patiently waited outside the door. And he waited. And he waited. He pounded on the door again. "Aren't you done in there yet?"

"No, Squid isn't in here to help me."

"Help you do what?"

"I haven't quite figured that out yet myself. I think I must need her for support."

"Well hurry up. My goodness, I could make cheese in less time than this."

"Don't I know it. All you ever did was rush. You'd no sooner get one wheel of cheese made before you'd want to start on another one. I, on the other hand, like to take time and appreciate my achievement." (Like making cheese with Mocking Al is any kind of achievement.)

Finally Mocking Al couldn't wait any longer. He went in search of a tree the he could relieve himself on. Unfortunately, as he soon found, there are no trees in Hell. So Mocking Al, being too unintelligent to realize that he could go anywhere, not just on a tree, waited once more.

While Mocking Al was gone, The Dark Queen left the bathroom. But Mocking Al didn't know this. "Come on Dark Queen, you've been in there long enough."

"I'm not The Dark Queen." replied another voice from inside. "I'm Chuckles."

"Oh no!" screamed Al. At this moment his bladder burst. And Al died.

Al came back to life in an empty room. The only thing in the room was a TV. So Al turned it on. "Welcome to the Swine Channel Shopping Network."

"Oh no! This is too scary. I have to turn this off right now." groaned Al.

"And in case you've just tuned in, you can't turn this channel off. First up for sale today is this unique and one of a kind piece of cheese. This cheese was made by Bike Swine himself it is rumored. Each piece of cheese costs only $50,000, and supplies are limited (to the amount Swine can make) so hurry now. Operators are standing by. All proceeds from this will go to the adopt an Amazon Woman fund, founded by Bike Swine himself. The deal is that if you send Swine the money, he will adopt an Amazon Woman and have her sent to his house where she will live a life of luxury in Swine's home."

"I must be in Hell," said Al. (Let's remember that he's already been here for an eternity, and it's taken him all of this time to figure this out.) I wonder if I can change the channel."

So Mocking Al did. He saw a scrambled picture on the screen. Even though the picture was scrambled, the sound was still fine. "You're watching the Amazon Women Channel," said a voice over the TV. After that, all Al heard was the constant chanting of Swine's name. At this point he was glad that the picture was scrambled, because he didn't really want to see what was going on. Then a commercial came on. It was the same commercial that was on the other channel, so he changed channels once again.

"And this is an original statue of a Suicide Army member. For only $100,000 this marvelous piece of work can be yours." Al looked at the statue. He thought that this channel must be scrambled too. The statue looked like a lump of clay. So Al changed the channel once again.

"Today on Cheesechunk, we will examine the life of Mocking Al."

"Yes!" Al exclaimed. "They're talking about me." But he spoke too soon, for the announcer continued.

"Was Mocking Al a crazed psychopath, or just a disillusioned maniac that thought his dingy that he rented from a man was actually his? We'll let you answer that question."

"Well, at least they're talking about me. And seeing how there isn't much else to watch I might as well see other people opinions of me."

"Our first guest was one of Mocking Al's sidekicks, Squid the druglord." Squid walks onto the stage, lighting up a joint while at the same time injecting herself with more heroine. "Now tell me Squid, just what was the whole thing about Al wanting to take over the world. Was this all true?"

"Well no." Once again Al thought he actually had a friend for a moment, but then Squid continued. "Mocking Al used to be the ruler of Cheesoria. Then he was a baffoon, and got himself killed. He sort of tried to exact his revenge from that period on. And he wasn't even a good ruler. Now Oxymoron the moron, he's a good ruler. Anyone who poses any threat to him is killed the moment it is known by him."

"So Oxymoron thought Mocking Al posed a threat to him?"

"No, Oxymoron knew that Al was too weak to harm a fly. He was too stupid to urinate at will. He had such little control that he had to wear a diaper to make sure he didn't make a mess in his pants any time he got scared."

"Thank you. Our next guest is Bean-O, the leader of the Cheesorian Suicide Army, half-naked Greek dudes, and fully naked Greek dudes. We have Bean-O in direct link through satellite. Can you hear me Bean-O?"

A picture is seen of Bean-O relieving himself on a fire and then taking a deep breath. "Can you hear me Bean-O?"

"Oh shoot. I hope you didn't just see what just happened there."

"Don' worry, this is a live broadcast to Hell, only most of the former planet saw what you did. Anyway, can you tell me just what was Mocking Al like, did you have any trouble planning strategy against him?"

"To put it plainly, no. Mocking Al was a complete idiot. I've never seen anyone so stupid in my life. I mean, he thinks that a dingy that he rented was actually his. The dingy belonged to some other guy. I mean, how stupid can you be? He also worships the non-existent dingy god. What is the point in worshipping something that does not exist? There is only one god, and I don't think that the dingy god is it. I guess that pretty much summarizes my opinion of Mocking Al."

In the background, behind Bean-O, one can see Chuckles wandering about. Suddenly there are a bunch of Suicide Army member who rush into the scene. They are each carrying hand grenades. On the count of two (Cheesorians can't count to three) they pull the pins and stand there. Chuckles is caught in the middle of the following blast, but somehow manages to escape injury. It is later found out that Chuckles was walking two Persian cats named Fluffy and Omar that he found. Somehow Chuckles used them to create a hand grenade null zone, whereas the blast would not harm him. (No this doesn't mean the cats served a purpose. Chuckles would have lived anyway. Of course, not realizing that being a good that he is indestructible, Chuckles thought it best to use some form of protection.) Of course the cats were turned into a green mushy substance upon the impact of the explosion. (Don't ask why it was green. I doubt you want to know. Mainly because I don't know. And what I don't know, you don't want to know. Because then I'd be forced to kill or maim you or generally make your life in fairly sorry condition.)

Al changed the channel once again. A test pattern affixed itself on the screen. "NO! I HATE TEST PATTERNS!" (Let's remember this.) Al tried to change the channel but found nothing on but test patterns. "Oh man, I'd give anything to see Swine try to sell me some stuff." Al mumbled to himself. At that moment there was a knock at the door.

"Hello. I'm the friendly neighborhood salesman," said a familiar voice that Al immediately recognized as Swine's.

"NO! I meant on the TV!" Al screamed. But Al had made the mistake of opening the door just enough before he knew who it was so that Swine could get his foot in the door.

"Today I'm selling ashtrays for the nonsmoker for half price, only $10,000. I also have on sale today, dehydrated water pills, left handed smoke shifters, and a book titled "How To Catch Snipes", written by yours truly. Since I'm such a nice guy, I'll sell you all four items at only a 500% mark-up. Plus if you make a generous donation to the adopt an Amazon Woman fund, I might even leave."

"Oh fine, how much is it?"

"With a generous donation, your total comes to, (a moment here while Swine thinks) $3,786,253,865.99."

"Okay fine. Do you got change for $5,000,000,000?" (Not suggesting that Al has that kind of money, but if you read on, and quit being so impatient, you'll find humor in this.)

"No I don't."

"Well fine take all the money and get out of here."

"I'm not leaving."

"But you said you would."

"I said I might."

"No fair, you tricked me." And Al began to cry. So Swine got tired of Al's bawling and left.

So Al was left to do nothing except watch the test pattern screen. After several years, Al died of boredom.

Al came back to life once again in a new place. (Well what do you know? Al came back to life. Come to think about it, didn't I say Al couldn't die again because he was already dead? I'll tell you what's up after I consult the logic department.) Al decided that he didn't like the possibility that he would be killed again, so he immediately tried to leave the room that he was in. "I won't be fooled this time." said Al to himself. "I'll just leave before anyone can show up and kill me." Just as Al placed his hand on the doorknob, a flannel clad man appeared. "Oh no! It's Satan!" (Like as in the opposite of God.) cried Al. After looking at the man some more, he said, "No it's even worse. It is Swill Swill Swill."

"Peach come forth," said Swill in a demanding tone. Immediately, Peach appeared. "I want to kill Al in a new and original way. So you stay here and think of one, I'll be back in a minute."

"I'll make you a deal," said Peach to Mocking Al. "If you make a charitable contribution to the I love Peaches fund, (All proceeds go directly to the adopt an Amazon Woman fund) then I'll be nice to you. I'll let you kill yourself. That way you can make it quick and painless, if you choose."

"Okay, it's a deal then," said Al. "I'll give you a million bucks, and you'll let me kill myself painlessly." So that's what Al did. However, he couldn't find anything to kill himself with other than a spoon.

"Oh, and one more thing. If you don't kill yourself I'll have to give you a death that's twice as nasty as any your pea brain could think of. After all, my IQ is a googol fold what yours is, even with that rock in your head." (A googol is 10 to the 100^th power)

So, frightened by Peach's warning, Al searched frantically for something less painful than a spoon with which to kill himself. However he could find none. So he used his tiny intelligence to predict that whatever Peach had in store for him would be much more painful than any pain he could inflict upon himself.

Al managed to set the spoon up just in the right way to suspend it in mid air. (I don't care if you can't do that. I'm writing this story, and if you don't like it, read it anyway. You act like this is supposed to be entertaining. If this was meant to be entertaining, it would have came with pictures or something. Not that you want pictures of Al or anything.) Then Al ran towards the spoon at his fastest possible speed. The spoon struck him in the chest, or actually he struck the spoon. The spoon penetrated his lower abdomen and then stopped. Apparently Al had overestimated his strength. Al had managed only to break the surface of his skin.

So Al, after crying because he cut himself, tried to think of another way to kill himself with the spoon. He decided next to try to gouge his eyeballs out. (He didn't actually stop to wonder how this would kill him. It was the only thing he could think of to do with the spoon, aside from some sick things that need not be mentioned.) So Al began to poke out his right eye. He didn't get far under way before he realized that should he ever gouge his eye out, he would only hurt himself more. Plus he realized that he would never have the strength to lift his eyeball out. He would have to break it into pieces, and that would be a real mess.

So next, Al came up with a brilliant plan. (Not actually brilliant, this is Al we're talking about, but brilliant to Al at the moment.) Al decided that he would thrust the spoon into his brain. Through some kind of adrenaline burst, Al managed to drive the spoon completely through his thick skull. But Al had forgotten one thing. To have killed himself, he would have needed a brain to inflict serious damage upon. Al had none. However, he did manage to dislodge the rock that he had gotten in his head.

So Al had to come up with another plan. However as Al was thinking, (I know, thinking is a hard concept to picture Al doing, but this is fictional let's remember.) Peach reappeared. "Oh please give me more time to kill myself begged Al. I promise I'll finish myself off in five minutes."

"If you make another contribution to my fund I'll give you five minutes, but then Swill Swill Swill is coming back, and I'll be in trouble if you're not dead then. Then you'll be killed three times as brutally as you would have been able to ever think possible." So Al gave Peach the money, and Peach left.

Al spent the next two minutes thinking of another way to kill himself. When he finally had an idea, he went to retrieve the spoon from his head. A large pool of blood had amassed on the floor by now and more was coming out every moment. Al pulled on the spoon, but it didn't budge. Apparently Al had used all of his strength (for the next ten years) on putting the spoon in his head. He now could not get it out. So Al spent the next two minutes trying to get the spoon out.

Suddenly Peach appeared once again. "Hey, you said I had five minutes!"

"I lied." said Peach. "Now Swill Swill Swill is going to appear in three seconds, so you better be dead by then, or at least look like you are."

Al quickly started to drop to the ground, trying to use his pathetic acting skills in a horrible attempt to fool Swill Swill Swill. But on his way down, he slipped on the pile of blood that had collected under him. His head struck the floor, and he died instantly. Swill Swill Swill then appeared. (Seemed like a long three seconds didn't it?) "Good job Peach. I see our plan worked perfectly. I think we agreed to split the money fifty-fifty."

"Hey wait a moment. I did all the work. And besides, I have the higher IQ. I think I should get more of the money than you do," cried Peach.

"I'll settle this," said a manly man as he entered the argument. "I think that you forgot that all the money that was to be collected was supposed to go to the adopt an Amazon Woman fund. Hand it over Peach, after all, it was my devious plan." Of course you know that Swine was speaking at the moment.

So reluctantly, the two handed over the money. And Mocking Al came back to life in familiar surroundings. Al was in the land of Cheesoria. So to say. It looked exactly like Cheesoria, except it had different ruler. But Al didn't know this at the moment, so pretend I never told you that. "Yes!" said Al. "Apparently Satan got tired of me and sent me back to Cheesoria." ('Fraid not. You can't get out of Hell. Which really makes me wonder, how am I gonna get Al out of Hell anyway. I guess you'll have to finish the story to find out.)

Mocking Al was tired of being killed repetitively by Oxymoron and company, so he decided to launch an assault on San Freakville. (Not a massive assault though. This is Al we're talking about.) But first he went in search of his old friends. He searched for a while, but found no one. He didn't even run across a Suicide Army member. So Al continued to walk. He decided that he would have to launch his massive assault on San Freakville all by himself. Outside of San Freakville, SANTA was up, preventing Al easy access to the city.

On top of SANTA, Al saw a man (so to speak). "My old friend Bob the walking nad!" exclaimed Al. "My, I haven't had homosexual relationships with for an eternity." (Which is why Bob is still living.) "Say, I'm going to take over all of Cheesoria, would you like to help?"

"No, I'm scared of the leader of Cheesoria."

"Come on! Don't you have the balls for it?" (Please notice the pun here!) Oxymoron the moron is really scary, but he isn't that scary."

"You moron! Oxymoron the moron hasn't been ruler of Cheesoria since he last ran you over in the weenie mobile. Some weird wacko has taken over Cheesoria. Somehow they managed to overthrow Bike Swine and all of the Suicide Army. Bean-O killed himself as the rest of the Suicide Army fell. So Cheesoria was left defenseless. No one has seen the ruler since that time. SANTA came up, and San Freakville has been blocked off from the rest of Cheesoria since."

"So no one has seen the new leader?"

"Nope. So are you planning to see 'em?"

"Why not? What's the worst that can happen, I die? I've defeated death." (So he thinks.)

"Well I'll go with you. Just hang on a moment and I'll get my demonic undead horde. (DUH was created by the Oxymoron, but is used by myself thanks to the fact that his story tales place after mine.) I'll just need to press the button on my trans-ethereal transporter and I'll instantly be transported to Hell. There I can pick up my undead army."

Bob presses his button, but nothing happens. "You idiot!" Bob yelled at Al. "Thanks to our little homosexual relationship with each other, I'm in Hell too. I'm inside one of your torture sequences. This isn't actually Cheesoria; this is some other facsimile of Cheesoria! That means that anyone could be ruling San Freakville."

"Well this just sucks. First I thought I was out of Hell. Then I thought that Oxymoron the moron had disappeared. And Swine had been defeated. And Bean-O killed himself. It turns out that I'm still in one of my stinking torture sequences and this has only been another cruel, cruel joke! Well," said Al, now calming down, "the only way for me to get out of this sequence is to either kill myself, or be killed by another sentient being. I may as well be killed by whoever is ruling San Freakville in this new torture sequence."

So Al and Bob the walking nad continued their journey, somehow making it over SANTA. Al and Bob noticed that Hell's San Freakville looked a lot different from how he last remembered it. Every telephone pole was covered with signs. Every place that one could put a sign or message, a message was displayed. Even in the sky, skywriters streaked across writing their messages. Al took the time to read one of the messages. It said:

To whom it may concern,

I, Red, now rule Cheesoria. You will answer to me. You will answer correctly. If you don't answer correctly, you will be killed. I will not offer extra credit. I will cover all papers with red ink until the original writing can no longer be deciphered. I am declaring myself the head teacher of all of Cheesoria's schools. All cheese will be destroyed. All anti-Communist propaganda will be destroyed. The Tower of Cheese will be torn down, and in its place a shrine built to me will be erected. (Don't even think it.) (You thought it didn't you.) (If you keep thinking every time I tell you not to, sometime you're gonna picture something really nasty, even though I warned you different.)

Your new demented leader,

Red the Evil Communist

"My old pal Red!" exclaimed Al. "I wonder if he/she/it still remembers me."

"By the way," said Bob, "you can stop calling her he/she/it. Red was positively identified as a reasonable facsimile of a female." (PLEASE don't think of how Red could be positively identified as a female.) (Hey, don't blame me for the chunks all over the floor. I warned you not to picture that, didn't I?)

"Well, I'll have to go see her. Maybe she'll make me vice-dictator." So that is what Bob and Mocking Al did.

As Bob and Al approached the evil commie's shrine, they noticed all sorts of propaganda lying about. (And propaganda really does lie.) They carried such messages as: "Down with Democracy" "Up with Communism" "Burn all cheese making plants" "Outlaw cheesemaking" "Flunk all nice children who don't do their homework and annoy the teacher" (Bike Swine & Oxymoron?) "Brainwash all people that you come in contact with"

Finally Al arrived at Red's home. The stinking building was shaped like a teacher's desk. Al knocked on the door. After three weeks, Red finally got around to answering it.

"What do you want? I know, you're one of those annoying salesmen aren't you. Commie teachers hate them."

"Red, don't you remember me?" said Al.

"I suppose that I should remember a face that ugly, but I don't. What's your name?"

"It's me, Al."

"Al? I don't know any Al."

"Remember, I got you killed in story 4.6."

"What in the world are you talking about?" (Obviously Hell's Commie wasn't in 4.6.)

"Oh never mind. I was wondering if I could be your vice-dictator."

"Did I just hear what I thought you said?"

"Probably."

"You used improper grammar. You must be killed for that offense."

"I did not use improper grammar."

"Oh, arguing with authority, that'll be detention for you mister."

"What?! But I didn't do anything."

"Shutup, or I'll give you another hour for defying me. Now about your detention, be here tomorrow at ten o' clock. Or I'll kill you."

So Al, being the stupid dolt that he is, obeyed the evil Commie, instead of leaving San Freakville immediately. "Okay, I'm here. What do you want me to do?" (We won't get into what she really wants him to do. That would require far too much puking.)

"You're gonna listen to me teach a lesson on safe cheese making." (Don't think it. Cheesemaking has NO double meaning. This is a course given to warn teenagers of the dangers of improper cheesemaking.) (Since I know you're gonna twist this into some kind of sick idea anyway, I' won't bother to include pictures.)

"This doesn't have pictures with it, does it?"

"Why yes, it does." (Okay, I lied. It's your own fault if you puke the whole night through for giving cheesemaking a double meaning.) "If you look at this first diagram here, you'll see that cheese starts from milk." (Picture a cow.)

"Then the cheese is put in big bins where it sits and ferments." (Picture old things sitting and fermenting. No, not that. Yes, I can read thoughts Oxy.)

"When the icky part of the milk is floating on top, it is scraped off and fed to the less fortunate Cheesorians." (Picture poor Cheesorians, eating icky gooey stuff.)

"Then the cheese is agitated until it turns into a solid piece of yellow junk." (Picture Al talking to the cheese, then the cheese committing cheese suicide, turning itself into a yellow solid.)

"I can't take it anymore!" yelled Al. "I need to make cheese!" (Hey, that's not what I was planning to write. Stop it you stupid fingers. Quit writing this stuff. I have to continue the story. No stop it.) (By the way, in case it hasn't occurred to you yet, Red is the only person around.)

"Stay away from me you fuzzy headed freak!" screamed Red. She pushed Al away, and he stumbled backwards. Al stepped on a piece of cheese that was being used as an example and slipped and died. (Picture Al doing what he does best, die that is.)

Meanwhile, Bob the walking nad had left San Freakville as soon as he saw the evil commie. He somehow found a way to bring his demonic undead horde into San Freakville. (In case you're wondering how, he modified his trans-ethereal transporter to take him to any place in Hell.)

Bob led DUH to the home of the evil commie named Red and set the house on fire.

"Noooo! It's evil. I must retaliate." She whipped out evil communist propaganda and began folding them into paper airplanes.

One of the airplanes struck Bob's trans-ethereal transporter and knocked it out of his hand. It fell to the ground and smashed into thousands of pieces. Other airplanes bounced harmlessly off of the DUH. (No not Al. This has all the letters capitalized.)

"You moronic teacher. You should know that you can't kill what is already dead."

"Where did you get these monstrosities?" inquired Red as she fought against the DUH, but in vain.

"Well I guess I have the time to tell you the story. One day, after Al and I broke up, I was wondering about, (physically, not just mentally as Swine and Oxy often do) and I came to a large stone. The stone had a note written on it. It said if you wish to gain unbelievable power by doing absolutely nothing, continue reading.

So, being interested, I kept reading. Go into the cave that is under this rock. I looked around, but didn't see a cave. Then as if by magic, a cleft opened inside of the rock. So, I walked in. An eerie glow lit the room. I couldn't see the source of the light and I was perplexed. I read more writing on the wall of the cave. It said that if I truly wanted to gain power beyond belief, I must first slit both wrists as proof of my wanting of power. I looked about and saw a knife laying beside me on a rock. I picked up the knife and slit both of my wrists. The message on the wall changed, and looked like fire was consuming the entire wall. However, the room did not get any lighter. The cavern still had an eerie orange glow to it.

The new message said to smear my blood on my face and on the nearest rock. As I smeared my blood on the rock, it trembled and began to move. I then heard a voice telling me to go into the new hole that had been created. I walked into the room and the rock moved back into place behind me. I then heard one final message. I was told to begin chanting duh. First softly, then as I thought appropriate, get louder. So I started, duh, duh, duh. The room began to shake. So I began chanting louder. Duh, duh, duh. The entire room felt as if it was spinning while in the middle of an earthquake. So I began yelling as loud as I could. DUH, DUH, DUH! Suddenly the room was consumed in a brilliant red flash and I felt a burst of heat sweep over me. A Demonic Undead Horde sat in front of me. So I was given a controller that would let me go into the depths of Hell any time I wished, so that I could pick up my DUH. There I hope you're happy. Now if you don't mind, I'm getting tired of talking, so I think I'll kill you now."

The DUH began chanting sentences in improper grammar. And started making cheese. (You did notice that even though the Commie was against cheese and cheesemaking, that she still knew how to make cheese. One must wonder what that says. Especially seeing how I don't know what that means.)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's evil anti-commie propaganda! I can't take it anymore." And the commie spontaneously combusted, leaving nothing but a pile of ashes.

"YES! I now rule Cheesoria," cried Bob the walking nad in victory.

Suddenly Satan appeared. "But you have forgotten, this is still a torture sequence. So I will torture you by smashing your thrill of victory." Immediately Cheesoria vanished. Bob was sitting in the fires of Hell once again.

"Darn it." cried Bob. "I never get to win." He looked about and saw Al sitting next to him. "Well, at least I ain't as big a loser as he is."

"Well," said Satan as Al came conscious again, "you've been tortured by everyone except Oxymoron himself. I guess you deserve to be tortured by everyone."

Immediately Al vanished once again. He appeared in a room completely full of beans. Then Mocking Al saw Chuckles. Chuckles was eating beans like there was tomorrow. "Man, beans give me such gas." commented Chuckles to no one in particular. Suddenly Al felt the whole room vibrate and a horrible sound pierced his eardrums. Thanks to Boyle's law, which says that as pressure increases the volume must decrease, I now know that the room was destroyed entirely. All four walls were sent in their own directions. Al was blown into another room where Oxymoron the moron was sitting.

"I've been waiting for you," said the moron. "I've been given the privilege of giving you the final torture before you are exiled from all humanity to burn forever and ever."

"Well things just keep getting worse all the time?" mumbled Al.

"I am going to use my great magic skills to perform the final torture. However, I give you the opportunity to attempt to retaliate with your own magic."

So they both sat across from each other and cast spells at each other. Thanks to Oxymoron's mediocrity at the art of spellcasting, Mocking Al was actually able to counter his spells. After several days of stalemate, something strange happened. A small man appeared. "My name's Hoodingy. I've been formed by the neutral energy between your spells."

Hoodingy looked about. Then he looked at Al. "Man you're ugly. I guess this guy managed to cast a spell of ugliness on you before you could counter it. Anyway, I must settle this stalemate in some manner. I suggest that you draw straws."

So after agreeing on that, they both drew their straws. Oxymoron drew a picture of a curly straw. The straw changed color when you drank through it also. It was a very manly straw. Al, however, drew a picture of a straight and boring straw.

"I don't like your straw, so I'll kill you." Hoodingy said to Al. "I promise next time I'll be on your side when I have to kill one of you two."

So Al died once again. Just after he came back to life, Bob approached him. "Hey, I think I've found a way to get out of Hell." he said to Al. "All I need to do is have two pieces of your fuzzy hair."

So Al gave them to Bob. Bob dropped the one hair by accident, and it turned into an exact clone of Al. "Hey! That looks just like me. How scary." said Al in delight. He decided to name the clone Extra.

"I guess I'll have to use only one hair then." Bob said to Al. "My controller will be fixed in just a moment. However we have one limitation. Every time we die, we end up in the eighth level of Hell. There we can only leave with the permission of Satan."

"Well, it's better than nothing." Al said. "Let's go."

So Bob the walking nad and Mocking Al of the clan Suckup left Hell. (Told you I could do it.) When they arrived back in Cheesoria, it was exactly one minute after Al had been killed last. (Even though Al spent an eternity in Hell, Hell is outside of time so the time didn't change anywhere else in the universe.) Al set out in search of his evil friends, and everything seemed spiffy. He and Bob parted ways, and Al now his buddy Extra with him to treat as a slave.

Since Oxymoron was gone, things were almost normal in Cheesoria for once. And I have ended my story here.

THE END

Sorry, too appropriate…