At Ground Zero

Welcome back faithful readers, to another stupid story (I still don't understand why you jokers keep coming back to read these things. Maybe you're obsessed.) Anyway, this story centers around the laws and customs of Cheesoria (bet you didn't know they had laws here) and the effects they have on the everyday life its people (sounds like the beginning of a term paper to me). Wait just one minute, the people of Cheesoria have no lives, disregard the above statement. I'll just do something else instead. Oh, by the way, send money to the Oxymoron and his pals Swine and Swill the Flannel God.

"AAARRRRRRRGGGH!!!!!!!! Dark Queen control yourself!" screamed an amazed Bike Swine.

"But we'd have so much fun," replied the distressed Dark Queen, "Don't you want to make some Bree (a type of cheese popular in Abu Dhabi)"

"Hell no, and I do mean NO! Why don't you go bug Oxymoron (Oh sure just dump your problems on me) about this?"

"But I already asked him."

"And?"

"He ran away screaming about jumping off a bridge."

Suddenly outside there was a tremendous boom. The shockwave knocked poor Swine into next week (that's one person I don't need to worry about for a while). Meanwhile the more massive Dark Queen was not affected (you probably knew that already).

"Extra! Hey Extra! Get my socks!" yelled Mocking Al

"Right away Al. Always willing to help a pal like you." responded Extra the nonmanly clone of Al (of course anything to do with Al is never manly).

Extra ran over to the dresser that contained Al's smelly sweat socks. It (clones in Cheesoria have no gender) opened one of the upper small drawers and removed a pair of dirty unmatched tube socks. It carried them over to Al's WeenieBoy chair (Al doesn't like Lazyboy chairs) where Al was sitting.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! And more evil laughter," cackled Al as he (I use the pronoun "he" loosely) put on his socks, "Oxymoron the moron really slipped up this time. He built this gigantic beer bottle, a perfect hideout for my new nuclear missile base. He'll never suspect a tactical strike from his own monument to the beer god."

"But Al," whined Extra, "Won't the radiation kill us because of the short distance from ground zero (look the title, I worked it in, good job me)."

"I've planned for that to," said Al merrily as he pressed a button on his WeenieBoy chair's armrest. A wall behind him slid up revealing a shining, silver, rocket powered dingy. "I introduce to you the Dingy 33X. It's the fastest dingy in Cheesoria. It'll do zero to six thousand in two seconds.

"As you can see, I have everything planned out."

Looking through the Sphere of Mocking Al and Extra Watching (SMAEW), Oxymoron had just heard and seen all that just happened. The explosion woke him up and alerted him to fact that Al might be in the area (don't ask me how). So he rushed over to the bank and got the SMAEW out of his safe. After seeing all that just occurred he phoned Swill Swill Swill, Bean-O, Klaws the Flannel Goddess, the Genie Peach, and YimFry (no space) the gold dragon. The Dark Queen and Swine were nowhere to be found (just wait I'll get them in here too).

As soon as they were all gathered on the Suicide Army Training Field, Oxymoron began to brief them on the current situation. "Ok everyone, Mocking Al is back," boos and hisses ran through the gathering crowd, "Hold the boos till later. We have a serious problem here. Somehow Al's gotten a hold of several nuclear missiles. He's set up a base inside the Beer Bottle. With those missiles and a fortress like that he could take over Cheesoria or at least nuke the crap out of it at any time. We need to organize an assault force now, and I do mean NOW!"

Bean-O volunteered to lead RN-GAD in an air assault. Peach and Klaws choose to lead the Magical Suicide Attack Force (new group) in a magical attack. YimFry took command of intelligence operations (bet that's a small outfit). Oxymoron the moron decided to lead the Suicide Army the ground attack force. And Swill Swill Swill took charge of Cheeseoria's Suicide Navy.

They quickly took up positions around the Beer Bottle and prepared for a long siege.

"Al," yelled Extra as it stared through the periscope, "those Cheesorians are moving military forces into our area. They've found us."

"Damn!" remarked Al, "How'd they find out about me so quickly? Get me Squid over the Retracto-Radio. We're gonna need some help."

"What's all the noise about," said the now evil Dark Queen (told you she'd come back),"Can't you people run a nuclear campaign without screwing things up?"

"They're on to us. Oxymoron and company have laid siege to our Beer Bottle," said Al in an annoyed tone.

"You know its not our Bottle. But anyway, I know someone who might be able to help. Get me The Commie on that Retracto-Thingey (yuck!) of yours (things are looking bad for our heroes aren't they)."

"Hey wait a second!" exclaimed Al, "Let's get my bestest magician friend Hoodingy to come down too. After all we need magical superiority."

Extra thought for a moment, "You know, we could just launch a few nukes to show them we mean business"

Al reached over and wacked Extra in the back of its head. "I'm the brains behind this operation (that's a scary thought), I'm the one who thinks up these great ideas," Al paused for a few moments then continued, "Hey, we could launch a few nukes to show them we mean business."

"Great idea Mocking Al!" said Extra enthusiastically.

Al punched a few buttons on his WeenieBoy chair. Five nuclear missiles were loaded into the main launch tubes. The board showed green. Al pushed the button marked LAUNCH MISSILES (boy we're in trouble...just kidding).

Oxymoron watched helplessly as five nuclear missiles streaked towards their assigned targets. Well we're doomed thought projected YimFry, who was just back from a recon mission.

"Don't count on it," replied Swill Swill Swill, "those missiles aren't armed. That shmuck Al thinks he can just put missiles into launch tubes and fire them. Well those of us who live in the real world of Cheesoria (what am I saying) know better than that. Those missiles will just fall to the ground harmlessly."

Sure enough, the missiles flew a few hundred feet and then fell from the sky landing in the central clearing of Cheeseoria's base camp (like I said, just kidding).

"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!" said Al totally peeved. He grabbed the closest object which, unfortunately, turned out to be part of the Dark Queen's anatomy. His dingy was promptly deflated (I told you to bring a barf bag).

"That stupid yoink!" said Squid to the Commie and Hoodingy as she stared through her Squid Scope 2000, "he just launched five nukes without arming them."

"We're working for him?!" commented the Commie

"I don't wanna work for him either," said Hoodingy

"Shaddup you freaks. This may be the only chance we get to beat the Oxymoron. Al needs all the help he can get on this one. Besides, I give the orders around here and I say were beamin' down there!"

Squid walked over to the Generic Teleporter and beamed down herself, the Commie, and Hoodingy.

Three humanoid forms materialized in front of Al's WeenieBoy chair. "Squid, Hoodingy, the Commie, so great to see you all again. Of course you already know the Dark Queen. And this is Extra," said Mocking Al pointing to indicate his neutered clone.

"Let's get on with it," said Squid wryly.

"Listen up people," said Oxymoron to his other commanders, "We have new intel reports from YimFry and his group. We now know that in addition to Mocking Al and his clone Extra, that the Dark Queen Heffer Bleebe, Squid the alien druglord, Hoodingy the magician, and the Communist Teacher of Death are now assisting Al in his nuclear attack on Cheesoria. This is both good and bad. On the good side, they'll spend more time arguing then working leaving them more prone to sneak attacks. On the bad side, they now have a formidable amount of brainpower, excluding Al and DQ, thinking against us. Any ideas would help about now."

Klaws cut in (that would hurt),"Why don't we just draw them out one by one and kill them until there are none left."

"I agree," said Swill Swill Swill.

"Me too," said Bean-O happily

"It'll be peachy fun," agreed Peach

It would seem logical YimFry projected

Mocking Al and the Dark Queen were making cheese when from outside the Bottle came hundreds of Cheesorian voices.

Dark Queen, Dark Queen,

We've got a surprise for you,

A big surprise,

Free, Free,

Today only,

All you can eat ,

And more,

Choco Cake,

Choco Cake,

Double Decker Fudge,

Get it now,

Before it goes extinct!

The Dark Queen flipped out. She shoved Al out of the way and made a mad rush for the door.

"You nitwit," howled Squid enraged, "they're just trying to draw you out. Can't you see that?"

But it was too late. She had already left the Bottle. A trail of drool was all that remained of the Dark Queen.

Like a rampaging stampede the Dark Queen charged out trailing a streamer of drool looking for the one true love of her life, sugar. She managed to get ten feet before being caught in a blast of fiery death created by YimFry's devastating breath (thus the need to project his thoughts and not speak them). Her body quickly vaporized. YimFry raised his head and roared in triumph. One down, five to go he projected.

"Ok," said Oxy, "next on the list, Hoodingy. I believe he's yours Bean-O."

Again the voices rang out:

Hoodingy, Hoodingy,

Your act is a sham,

The tricks you do,

Are fakes all the way,

We hate dumb mages,

Who can't prove themselves,

Come out and play,

Or is your routine fake?

"That's it they die now!" howled Hoodingy insanely, "Nobody insults my routine and lives." He ran for the door and was promptly tackled by the Commie. Unfortunately the Commie didn't quite have enough mass to keep him pinned (DQ would have though). He threw the Commie aside and charged out the door.

Hoodingy ran outside screaming bloody murder only to find himself pelted by thousands of paper airplanes being thrown by Bean-O and all of RN-GAD. Hoodingy tired to return to the safety of the Bottle. Unfortunately, all those paper planes obscured his vision making it impossible to see more than three inches. A lucky shot by Bean-O wacked him in the eye. Hoodingy died instantly.

"Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then its a sport! Strike one up for RN-GAD!" exclaimed Bean-O.

"Nice job Bean-O. Klaws, you're up," said Oxymoron happily.

And again all of Cheesoria chanted their taunts:

Extra, Extra,

Extra has nads,

"NOOOOOOOO! Anything but that!" said Extra as he ran out to surrender. No one tried to stop him (proves my theory about expendable characters being good for the storyline)

Extra ran out his hands high in surrender. Klaws whipped out her two-foot fingernails. She then proceeded to slice n' dice Extra into little cubes of cloned flesh.

"One more for us," said Klaws as she wiped her nails dry with a towel.

"Well I do believe Swill Swill Swill is up next, "commented Oxymoron.

So once more the tired Cheesorians worked their magical chants:

AAARRRRRRGGGHH!

Someone help, the grade book's,

Burning,

We don't got no brains,

We ain't gonna talk write,

Till yous come out.

"Evil, Evil, Evil! The grade book, improper grammar, Commies must rule. Must instill order and control." she ran out as Al looked on knowing he was next (ha ha I'm winning)

The Commie ran outside to find Swill Swill Swill holding a grammar test. "If you pass this test you may go free," he said.

He handed the Commie the test that she started on.

"I'm done," said the Commie as she handed Swill Swill Swill the test.

Swill looked at the test and said, "I wanted it answered in complete sentences."

"But it was multiple choice!"

"So what. You fail," said Swill.

The Commie suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke. A note appeared on the ground that read:

THE COMMIE HAS BEEN SENT BACK TO SCHOOL FOR LIFE IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE TESTS.

"Eat flannel and die Commie scum!" Swill yelled at the note.

"Uh Swill we have a problem. The people of Cheesoria all have sore throats and can't sing their chants," said Oxymoron

Suddenly from behind a hill marched Bike Swine followed by eight hundred Amazon Women and Chuckles (yes its next week). The Amazons began the anti-Al chant.

The Cheesorians looked on in amazement as they marched up to the Bottle and mocked Mocking Al.

Extra's better than Al,

Extra's better than Al,

Extra's better than Al,

Extra's better than Al,

Al pressed the Dingy 33X button. He jumped in and ran the preflight sequence. "Ha Ha, you may have won this time Oxymoron, but I'll live to fight another day!" The dingy rocketed away.

Oxymoron saw the dingy rocket away. He quickly removed his shoe. Taking careful aim he lobbed it at Al. The dingy tripped over it in mid-flight a went plunging down into the ocean. A violent explosion followed the splash.

"See ya next story Mocking Al!" yelled the triumphant Oxymoron.

(be happy)