"A Good-bye Letter"
Written September 2003

What I can't understand is how you can promise me the world then once I agree to let you into my life, after 1 year of trying so hard, you try so hard to destroy it all. I've never fucking let you down, I try to cheer you on. I keep telling you I have no ulterior motive but to see you happy and succeed and that I'm willing to pave the road for you. And, you have the audacity to yell at me and put me down? You have the audacity to compare me to all the ones before I was around?

I told you once before that I require going into this with a clean slate...for both of us. I don't compare you to every nigga that came before you. But, if I wanted to you'd be hearing how you are so much more ignorant, broke and have nothing going for yourself because the truth is you're never going to succeed the way your going.

I'm so tired of hearing how you want to change your life around and do some good for yourself and just a second later you're talking about getting a gun and robbing someone for $20 bucks because you're broke because you say you want to get a good job and I try to set you up but them you give me all these excuses why you can't do this and why you can't do that. Then you get mad at me just because I simply say, "fine...I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do...I'm just trying to help." What the fuck is that?

And, then I'm wrong and have an attitude just because I said that? You say I have an attitude but I can't even ask you what's wrong with you without you blowing off at me? You tell me I'm the fucking psycho just because I felt confident enough to impart the knowledge of my nervous breakdown and the fact that I'm on medication for it? What kind of shit is that to say to me?

I told you many times before I can't deal with all this bullshit stress. I told you many times before I don't want to fight with you. I told you many times before to talk TO me and not AT me. To actually try for once to listen instead of trying so hard to be heard. I hear everything you have to say but I have no say? What kind of shit is that?

You're the fucking psycho!! Why did I ever get involved with someone much younger than me? I regret the day I said yes after considering the fact that you've been chasing me for over a year. The truth be told, I don't want you here!

You are nothing near the man I want or even think a man to be. I have no respect to give to you because you've given none to me. I love myself...I've come too far to have some little boy who's barely of age tear me down. You don't even get me excited so what's the point in trying to stay around. What makes it worse is that every time I tell you to leave you get all depressed and put my natural inclination of being genuinely concerned to the test.

Yes, it's sad but I have to say that you're the first person I have met that I wish and pray would do something stupid enough to get locked away. So, yes, go buy that gun and go rob someone and tell me where and when.

You know why I even tried to give you a chance at all? Because I was tired of hearing from my friends and family how picky I am with men. So, I did it just to shut them up but all along I knew you'd never be what I believe to be a man the way God himself intended. This house you will never be able to lead. With that fact, how can I feel confident in taking on my role as a subservient woman to her man if you can't even understand the fundamentals of what makes a man a man!

I even told you once that you made me feel like I was walking on glass around you - never knowing if just one word from my lips will put you into a fit of rage. I can't do this! I can't talk to you! Everything you misunderstand! What grade did you really drop out in? Even your friend says you're out there.

What's the point in even being here? You can't get any sex because I feel nothing - not even from your kiss because you don't even know how to kiss. But, I'm wrong if I try to show you, at least so you can walk away a better kisser.

You're just too young for me. You have much to learn and it's sad because your friend is even a better man. But, then you get all bent out of shape when he tries to tell you to cool it down with me to get you to understand that's not the way you treat a lady. I don't need this shit from you!

Imagine, you try to take me out, call me and make me get all dressed up. You took me to the movies telling me afterward we'd go out to dinner and maybe have a little romantic night on the beach and such. But, you took me, instead, to the local video game place. I'm fucking older than the manager there! And, then, just because the young boys in there look my way you get all up in my face! Please! Didn't you even notice I was sighing every five minutes out of pure boredom?

Then, what made the night even worse was that you took me to Denny's. But, that's not all you did. You took me to Denny's, ate, and then, when the check came, looked at me and had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to run? Hello! Haven't you been listening to anything I've ever said? You think I'm the type that would run out on a bill when just the other day I made you give a 15% tip to the pizza man and got on you for not giving a tip to the cab? When just the other day I told you that I take my example to my children to heart? When you know I won't even cross the street until it says walk? When you know I won't even take a shopping cart from Publix down the street but much rather carry all ten bags home instead just because it's against the law?

How the fuck are you gonna ask me to run? But, no, that wasn't the end of that horrific night. When I told you no in all seriousness you have the audacity to turn to me and say "I can't pay...I have no money" and leave me with the bill knowing that I'm in a tight spot with my money this month? What was the point in inviting me at all?

But, no, that wasn't the end of the night. Then you take me to some casino and gamble away the money you swore you didn't have.

But, no, that still wasn't the worst of what you've done. The next day you have the audacity to ask me for $40 bucks AND to pay off your driving tickets AND to buy you a car and then get made at me because I laughed and said "hell no"? WHAT?! Oh, hell no! Now it's on.

It's over. It's done. You're going to go kill yourself? I'll buy you the fucking gun!