In all my years of living, I've only met three men that warrant so distinctly the title of Real Men.
The first he was my savior - my Knight in shining Arm - for whom I later based my beliefs of what defines a man.
This one was strong in mind, character, personality and physique. He was in-tuned to my feelings, knowing exactly what to do, what to say and when to do it or say it without my having to ever ask. It was as if he was deep inside my soul. He was true, truthful, honest, kind to me, caring, deeply concerned, logical, comforting, inspiring, strengthening, endearing, honorable. He could pick out my moods despite how well I was at hiding them. And, no matter what it was, whether it was something who's very reality would hurt me, he never held anything from me but was to the point and honest and upfront about anything. But, he had this sort of fashion about him that whatever it is he said or did, no matter how much it hurt, he had this way of cushioning the impact on me and repairing any damage just in the way he was. No. He never was my boyfriend nor did anything intimate ever happen between us. He was 10 years my senior and I was quite young. But, this one, just the memory of him will forever be strong and live within my very soul. This one holds a title far above what any man will ever hold with me. This one, Samuel Cresante, will always be my biblical Samson. It was because of him I named my daughter Delilah. It was because of him I named my bird Samson. Unfortunately, I lost him many years ago because I was stupid enough to give my life to someone I thought I loved - giving up my friends and family and everything I held dear. Yes. I will never live that mistake down. Because, not one day has passed me by that I have not kept him in my mind. And, I have tried so hard to find him since I lost him. But, he is nowhere to be found.
The second man came later in life and is to me my best friend. He too has all the characteristics of what I believe a man to be. So close is he to Samson in everything that I have placed him on a pedestal in my heart and no matter what he does he can never shatter or tear down before me that pedestal I have placed him on. Yet, unlike with Samson, for some reason inside of me I truly care about what this one thinks in regard to me. But, also, I truly take to heart the things he says. This one makes me proud to be the person that I am and is the epitome of what a perfect Puerto Rican Man should be. Him I will always be proud of. This one is named Rolando Rodriguez.
The third and, unfortunately, the last of what I believe a man to be may not have all the characteristics of what the former have but still, despite his lack of some of those characteristics, he has many characteristics that demand my total respect of him. This one I will always hold closely in my heart forever and no matter what he does he can never tear that respect away from me because the things that would tear my respect away from him do not live within his personality. This one is strong in every way and true and honest and upfront. He is to me a mix of the above plus a very masculine man. He is to me a shadow of the first but a strong shadow nonetheless. This one I will always be proud of as well for he has proven time and time again his true character. He deserves the best that life has to offer because he has given life his best. This one is named Jorge Coto.
Now, many men I have known - my full share I have had. Yet only 3 have made it far enough to hold that special title of what I believe a true man to be. These three I will always feel obligated to cater to and treat truly like the Kings they are for truly they have proven time and time again that they warrant such a title.
You see, I believe a man to be the type God himself would be proud to appoint as a Leader. The characteristics of such are far beyond what we as humans could ever understand. They are undefinable. And, although I have met quite a few at first I thought would make it to that title, time proved otherwise for them. Because, truly, time rips the masks off even the most persistent and crafty man.
You see, with me I believe that words are just as thin as the air that carries them. A person can only act out a role for so long before their true character breaks through. After a while, the true self can no longer hid itself.
I thought my instincts were on target still because in the past such persons were easy to spot. But, I was wrong for one made it through. And, now, I regret believing what I believed him to truly be for he has acted otherwise.
You see, I have been hurt twice before but I'm the type that goes in with a clean slate for I feel and truly believe everyone deserves a chance. But, I guess my many years of being isolated impacted my ability to pick out deceitful masks and truly see the true colors of a person. I thought my mind was very keen to this but I was wrong.
The only impact past situations and relationships have on me is that I become a bit more reluctant and my eyes are more open looking scrutiningly for that one little tell-tale sign. But, seeing as I've been out-of-practice for so many years, I guess this one just snuck in unexpected and I thought that what he made me feel was because he was the real thing but I was wrong.
Okay. So we learn from our mistakes.
You see, physical things do not impress me a bit. It's a person's soul - their personality and character - that really gets me. But, I guess there are people out there that have learned quite well how to create the illusion of a true and brilliant personality, being able to create a deeper meaning of them that is not real.
Man, I've been out of this world too long. That type of deceit was not even possible back when I was still a part of this world. But, I guess now it is. How us humans have progressed rapidly into destruction.
Forgive him I have not the strength to do. Regret, for the first time ever. I shared much a part of me I would never do another.
The unfortunate part of this is now I am more reluctant than ever before for truly my whole self was still safely tucked behind an impenetrable wall - yet, that one found a way to penetrate it. And, now, I am like an animal hunted and shot - left to bleed to death with an open wound - vulnerable - with the strong desire to utilize whatever strength I have left to crawl into a hiding place and hide forever away from the world again, this time hiding until I die. For my heart has been deceived after finally winning the battle against my mind.
What one bad experience can lead us to.
So, forgive me if I seem bitter. That's just the Case of Men.