The Meaning of You
A Letter to E. "C" C.
August 2003

I’ve written this poem over and over trying to find the words to say the things you make me feel. Of all my written life, this one must be the hardest. So, I’ll skip the verse because it seems to have left me barren. Instead, read my letter here.

Know that I am afraid. A coward.

The things that are at work inside scare me completely. And, never in life have I ever been this afraid – to feel. But, you. You bring me to want to feel again.

I can sum up my path in life…of love…with one word. Misery. Misery is my keeper. Misery is my master. Misery is my only true friend for never once has he left me or turned away from me. With welcome arms he has greeted me many times before, never ever closing his door. For Misery never has turned to me to mock me or shame me but only to comfort me and protect me. Yes, Misery protects me.

And, for the last 6 years, Misery has kept me in his little kingdom tucked away deep behind an impenetrable wall…shielding me from any source of light that might pierce my darkness. For truly I have lived in darkness for many years, contemplating the meaning of life itself – in my own little world away from the physical world you know of as reality. For my reality lives in the confines and protection of Misery himself. He leaves me there alone knowing that I do not wish the comforts of company but only silence. So much so my desire…my craving…my need for silence and solitude that I truly have forgotten what the world out there is like. So, when I peeked outside my door for the first time in many years, astounded was I at how this world has moved farther away from the very essence and true meaning of life.

And, now, I have no place among it. For, the things I have contemplated during my tenure with Misery have lifted even the core of me to higher heights than a mere modern human could ever comprehend.

Please do not take me wrongly. I am not, in any way, indicating that I am far wiser than any human on earth. I’m sure there is an infinite abundance of wisdom in the world….or so I hope.

When I looked that first time outside the confines of my lair, I felt lost and astounded. And, then, you came along.

What a breath of fresh air.

The human mind can never truly know what it is to love for the very notion is far beyond our understanding.

Imagine.

We think we know love but love we have yet to know. Love transcends the very essence of our capability for love is God. For love is a god.

To truly fully grasp this notion requires us to let go of our physical reality of life…and transcend even space…even time. To love in the fullest capacity of love requires us to search within the very core of our soul. A place most never know. A place some are afraid of knowing for truly knowing that place within ourselves means we must come face to face with ourselves. What a horrific thing…to come face to face with ourselves. And, few ever do.

You see, love does not seek the material things in life nor does it search from the negativities in everything because it knows that we are imperfect and perfection itself is unachievable in our current system of things. Yet, still, it bears our imperfections and still finds the strength to grow stronger…and deeper. Love is an infinite energy. A source from which one can always find renewal.

Yes. I have loved before. Twice before, to be exact. But, I have never truly known love – true love – for true love is long-suffering and kind. True Love is not jealous and does not brag, does not become angry or prideful, does not condemn but uplifts and rebuilds continuously. It does not injure but seeks to comfort eternally. It does not act indecently but upholds the deepest respect. It does not look for it’s own interests but seeks to fulfill the interests and needs of it’s recipient, whether such interests mean that the person who loves you is with you or not. It seeks to nurture and protect, to bear without complaint. It believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. It is eternal, complete and ever renewing like the tree of eternal life. It’s energy encompasses and emits from a being far more powerful than us. A Holy One.

This is love. And, yet, even the description I have given here does not truly describe the meaning of love for love has a meaning even I, as a spiritual creature by nature, can never truly understand.

Yes. I have loved before…in the human sense of love. But, never have I ever been moved to want to experience the spiritual meaning of love.

And, then you came along.

But, to truly help you understand, allow me to illustrate the story for you.

In a kingdom far away, in the midst of the darkest part of night, amongst a wilderness of willow trees where the breeze cries and moans almost silently that one can easily mistake the sound as the workings of the mind going mad. There behind a massive sight of a wall that robs one of any hope of penetration. There in the most sacred and secretive corner of a darkened throne room, hidden by the very state of the Lord, sits I. But, if one truly stayed to see the reality of me they’d see that I am 3. For one is my Soul who has taken leave of mind to contemplate all inner workings and transcend – for transcendence is truly the only place the Soul has need to go. The Soul does not care what is going on around – only that each and every thing has a deeper meaning in which it works madly to find.

The Second and truly the power in me, the one who runs the show. The one who dictates every aspect of my life is the Mind. For truly the mind has no need to feel, only to rationalize and seek every aspect of a situation and make unbiased decisions based on all aspects, both negative and positive. The Mind does not care for feelings and emotional aspects for the Mind has no need, desire, want or time for such medial things.

The Third and the weakest power within me, the one where all emotion stems, is the Heart. The Heart is the weakest for it has no true desire or ability to fight the Mind. It feels and begs to be heard but is always thrown aside by the Mind for truly it is the Mind that rules arrogantly in the absence of the Soul for the Soul has no care to dabble in the goings-on of everyday life and trusts and has full confidence that between the Mind and the Heart all things are taken care of. But, what the Soul does not know is that the Mind has taken over all aspects of the goings-on of life and has disregarded the Heart altogether and that the Heart is slowly dying away – having no true power or confidence.

It is the Mind that Misery has influenced deeply and it is that influence that has made it possible to keep me under Misery’s total control for many years.

And, then came you.

In the recesses of that Kingdom, under the very eyes of my Lord Misery, arose a very oblique and translucent mist, barely visible to the naked eye, showing no sign of any power to disrupt the hierarchy or position of the Kingdom itself. Misery looked at it and did not feel threatened and quickly passed it off as nothing of any matter. The Mind looked at it and did not feel threatened and quickly passed it off as nothing of matter.

What neither knew was that the mist was you. Like a thief in the night, that mist was able to penetrate the wall, penetrate the kingdom in such a devious way that not one would ever have guessed that this presence – this new power – would ever disrupt the established order of the Kingdom of Misery.

What neither knew was that the mist had influenced the Heart to declare war on the Mind. Oh, of all the times the Heart has declared war on the Mind I could not possibly number. But never has the Heart ever had the power to win the war it has declared for it lacks the strategic excellence of battle the Mind has for the Mind does not see things in terms of emotion but rather in terms of calculated rationalism and analytical precision. With that, the Mind solemnly laughed at the declaration made by the Heart, knowing that such was truly a futile attempt for none could overcome the ruthlessness of the Mind.

But, you were a factor.

And, that mist that influenced the Heart equipped it well with an indestructible army and arsenal for which to win the war, deceiving the foolish and influential Heart into believing that such generosity was truly for the interests of the Heart.

Then, the first battle began.

What a battle indeed! For the result of it astounded the Mind so much it had no words for it’s defeat other than coma-inducing shock as it’s response. The Heart won and what it won was a persuasion towards the power of that mist. For truly at that time, the mist made itself known clearly to my Lord Misery and even Misery itself had no words for such a defeat for Misery was truly astounded into shock himself.

And, Misery turned desperately and threw at the Heart every possible defense it could in it’s determination to keep and hold me in his total control. And, Misery harnessed the analytical and rationality of the Mind in it’s desperate attempt to foil the progression of victory of the Heart. You see, Misery knew that such a victory, if left to continue, would grab the attention of the Soul, the true and ultimate power, and that such an action would mean the dethroning of Misery himself for Misery had no power over the Soul.

But, all attempts were futile. For, out of the darkness, out of the obliqueness and translucence of the mist arose a bright and powerful light. Not the kind that blinded but the kind that was gentle and comforting and sweet. The kind that was encompassing and wise and true. A kind never known before by any entity whatsoever. A strong and powerful light that demanded and deserved the rightful position of King. The kind determined to dethrone Misery and replace even the memory of him.

And, the Soul actually paid mind for the situation was so astounding that even the Soul felt the power of such a victory. And, at this, the Soul, in awe, had no other recourse but to relinquish the right of it’s power to the mist, dethroning Misery and even the thought of him.

That mist…that King…is you. For truly the meaning of you was like a thief in the night in the way in which it crept into my life…first entreating and winning over the confidence of my Heart, then taking over my Mind in such a way that even my Soul had no choice but to relinquish its control to you.

For truly you are a Man in every essence a Man truly is and truly you are a King in every essence a King truly is. My confidence and utmost respect lie within the meaning of you…a place no other being has ever been able to achieve with me. Yet, you achieved that position…that right…so gracefully and so confidently.

I don’t know where this life will take us but my desire for you is so strong I would do just about anything to see you fully succeed in every aspect of your life…even if it meant that I had to give up the hope of one day having the honor of being called your lady. You incite me to happiness, just the thought of you.

I find myself smiling for no reason at all because of it. I long for your conversation. I eagerly await the sound of your voice. I can’t help but to feel this deep concern for you and everyone associated with you…your children, your family…everyone.

What Man can ever say he drove me to such for never have I felt such that the pure notion of it is torture on my very Mind for my Mind has never encountered such a power that it continues desperately to regain control. But, each attempt only weakens it because each attempt is circumvented by the Power of You.

Oh, pray that this does not become yet another reason for my Mind to debate against the very essence of love. Pray that the Man I have found in you is true and that the aspects are not just an illusion created to ultimately destroy me for truly what I feel inside for you will be my saving grace or my downfall. Please, be my saving grace.