Dear MWC Legal Department (product liability--not libel):

I never thought I'd be writing to this magazine...sorry, that's the lead-in to the other letter I'm writing this morning. Anyway, I am writing to describe an unfortunate incident that befell me this morning while reading MWC Issue 6. Before you continue reading you may want to see if your liability insurance to up to date.

The following is a true story:

When I arrived at work this morning (late as usual, but that's not material to the story), I found MWC Issue 6 in my inbox (I was not in the office yesterday because I was sleepy). As per custom, I printed out all three pages of the message and headed to the library (read: little boys' room) to read.

After normal human bodily functions had taken place, I needed to hoist my trousers back up and tuck in my shirt. I had nowhere to put my printouts (I had half a page left to read) because the newspaper rack that I usually use was inexplicably absent. Additionally, I don't ever put anything on the bathroom floor that I don't plan to leave there forever. I was left with no choice but to put the pages in my teeth until my pants and shirt were secure. After fastening my belt, I took the pages out of my mouth and departed the stall. The paper gave a little tug on my lower lip when I pulled it off. I expected to walk to the sink and mirror to find newsprint on my lower lip.

Not so fast.

Instead, I soon realized that significant portions of skin from my lower lip were now attached to page 3 of MWC Issue 6 (not to my lower lip, as I had expected). I had a streak of blood slowly oozing down the right side of my chin (even when you are looking in the mirror it appears on the right side of the person in the mirror--my right, I mean; obviously, if I were the person in the mirror it would be my left, but I'm not, so let's not worry about it) and my teeth were red with blood smeared from my lip.

Apparently, I had dried my lip to the paper even though no one had triple-dog-dared me to do this. I have a small cut on the lower left lip and a sizable cut on the lower right lip.

I want $22 million. Crisp bills, in my wallet by 7am.

Sincerely,
Dave ("Dave") Edwards