News of the world (NOTW) is moving to more of an essay-style format instead of the news brief style of the first issue. The problem with the news-brief style is that it turns out to require careful research of the daily newspaper, involving a thorough reading as well as the taking of notes. NOTW's crack staff quite frankly is just not getting the research done, and the stack of unexamined newspapers is threatening to block the crack staff's TV. One of the positives of the essay-style approach is that the necessary stories can be gathered with just a glance at the headlines, and the facts have little chance of getting in the way, although a downside is that it requires many more of the staff's own original words and much more use of its (or, as we'd write back home in North Carolina, it's) writing style, which is such that the staff sometimes gets into sentences so deeply that getting out of them is something with which it has a not inconsiderable amount of trouble. With.

Anyway, what's in the headlines these days is lawsuits. In the second half of January, one lawsuit in particular grabbed the nation's attention and held on for dear life. The country became transfixed, frozen like a deer in the glare of a bad simile, as it followed the fate of disabled golfer Casey Martin's suit against the Professional Golf Association. For those of you not familiar with the case, Martin is suing under the Americans with Disabilities Act to get rid of the PGA's no-cart rule. Martin, who suffers from a rare degenerative circulatory disorder and cannot walk the course, recently won his first Nike(r) Tour event while using a cart. Most PGA players, who don't have to carry their clubs around the course, hold their umbrellas, or find their balls in the woods, strongly support the rule. Controversial golfer "Fuzzy" Zoeller recently said, "I'll see a black man play in the Masters before we let somebody ride a cart."

In conjunction with the lawsuit, President Clinton was subjected to a lengthy deposition in what turned out to be the best day of his week. During his six-hour testimony, Clinton denied having "sexual relations" or a "sexual affair" or "intercourse" or any "improper relationship" with Casey Martin, although sources are unclear on the distinctions the president was trying to make. At the beginning of the deposition, Clinton warmly greeted former Arkansas state employee Paula Jones, saying "It's nice to see you again. I mean, nice to meet you. Er, I like what you've done with your hair. You look different." "Yes, sir, so do you," Jones replied drily. During the deposition, Clinton denied having affairs with several other women, including 24-year-old former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

The following week, of course, the country was shocked by allegations that Lewinsky's confidant Linda Tripp broke many federal and Maryland state wiretapping laws by secretly taping several dozen conversations with Lewinsky without her knowledge. Lewinsky's, that is. Tripp is believed to be bright enough to have been aware of her own taping. Tripp then gave the tapes to independent prosecutor Kenneth Starr, who is using them in an ongoing investigation of an obscure Arkansas land deal. The country was decidedly unshocked by the president's affair with Lewinsky. Starr, just back from quarterbacking the Green Bay Packers to a loss in Super Bowl MCMXCVIII, defended his decision to offer immunity to Lewinsky, saying that Lewinsky had suffered enough and thanking her for "serving her country on bended knee."

President Clinton was repeatedly forced to deny allegations of the Lewinsky affair, including at an appearance with PLO leader Yassir Arafat. The session was confusing to Arafat, who wondered afterward why Clinton doesn't "string [the press] up like the thieving running-dogs that they are." White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry later announced that if Clinton had anything else to say, he would "wrap it around a rock and throw it through Bill Safire's window."

The waters were further muddied when a White House staffer revealed that Lewinsky spent most of her internship using Liquid Paper(r) brand correction fluid on the word "Vice" on Al Gore's stationery. And speaking of Al Gore, we move seamlessly to local news. Gore was in Chicago a couple weeks ago on the same day as the Spice Girls. When a reporter asked him if he could name any of them, he said, "Well, I've seen them around the White House, of course, and I think the pink one is named Kimberley," apparently confusing Girl Power with the Power Rangers. [True item: That night, at a fund-raising dinner, Gore was able to rattle off all five names correctly, after which he referrred to Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL) as "Fire" Spice.] Also in Chicago, the City Council's Finance Committee approved a settlement to provide benefits to city employees who were previously denied insurance coverage for artificial insemination and other fertility treatments. The settlement stems from a ruling by U.S. District Judge Suzanne Conlon that infertility falls under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Under terms of the accord, those denied coverage will collect up to $1.5 million and be given a spot on the PGA Tour.