Controversy has erupted over a recent issue of MWC. I think you know what I'm talking about. Issue 7 can only be described by the phrase CRAZY APOSTROPHE TROUBLES. Due to the "Year 2000 Problem," the apostrophes in Issue 7 appeared in subscribers' inboxes variously as question marks, "=92," a small "D" and "U," or as blank spaces. Anyway, all I have to say is, "O apostrophe, why do you plague me so?" Note: I'll give five dollars to any literary type who thinks that last sentence is funny.

Technical note: The Year 2000 Problem does not really have to do with apostrophes. It refers to the fact on January 1, 2000, almost everyone will believe the new millenium has arrived. Meanwhile, I'll be in Times Square with five or six geeks, telling everyone we encounter, "Actually, there was no year zero, you see, and so..." and then getting kicked in the head. I'm kidding, of course. If you think I'm staying in a hotel that weekend and getting charged for 36,523 nights, then I don't care what the doctors say, you're the crazy one.

[Those of you who worried that I was going to open this issue with much- too-personal information, such as the statement, "So, 6 days after Issue 8 came out, in an apparently unrelated coincidence, the divorce papers arrived in the mail," can rest easy, because I resisted the temptation to do so.]

Speaking of apostrophes, I saw something the other day that bugs me. On the back of a school bus there was a bumper sticker with a phone number and the words "Driver's Wanted." Now, I know that I can be a bit of a zealot about grammar. For example, I recently had to drive, for three consecutive days, past the billboard at the local junior high school as it advertised an upcoming "Cirriculum Night." It was quite a struggle for me to resist the urge to run down the principal (or as the school likely says, the "principle") in the parking lot. Of course, I didn't know which person was the principal, which would have complicated things; also, I had Mom's car, and I had already used the ol' fender-bender story over Christmas to explain a broken headlight.

Let's go over the apostrophe rule one final time: No noun forms its plural by adding "[apostrophe] s" unless it ends in a vowel, as "taco" does, for example. Those who doubt that the correct plural is "taco's" may consult the lunch menu at Giant City School (team nickname: The Giants) from any Wednesday between 1977 and 1984.

Speaking of authentic Mexican food, Taco Bell was recently in the news. North Carolina Highway Patrol trooper Chris T. Phillips filed suit against Taco Bell and an employee, alleging that the worker spit in Phillips' nacho's. I'd be disappointed in myself (yeah, there's a switch) if I didn't take this opportunity to quote the employee, whose actual name is J. Paul Jones, as saying that while he plans to contest the suit, he has "not yet begun to fight" (rimshot).

The lawsuit alleges that Phillips ate several of the nacho's, and "then noticed a clear, slimy substance on the chips that appeared to him to be human saliva." Readers are left to their own devices to wonder how Phillips might be able to distinguish this from non-human saliva. In any case, high-priority testing by the State Bureau of Investigation Lab confirmed the presence of human saliva on the chips. I realize that all this, while bizarre, is not necessarily funny, but I've been waiting for weeks to use the phrase "Yo not so much quiero Taco Bell."

The following people are hereby banished to the Grammar-Free Zone, which will be located in the remote wilderness of some uninhabited country, such as "Canada." Nominations will be accepted for other potential residents.

• People who say "between you and I"
• People who say "an historic" while pronouncing the "h"
• People who use "literally" when they mean "not at all literally," as in "I was so happy, I was literally on the moon." Neil Armstrong gets a waiver to this rule.

The following people may return to society from the Grammar-Free Zone:

• People who use "hopefully" to mean "I hope." This used to top my list, but some time ago, I decided that if the evolution of the language includes "presumably" as a word, then I can try to accept the more innocuous (or, as we might say, "less nocuous") manifestations of the "new meanings for words ending in 'ly'" trend. Hopefully I can, anyway.
• People who refer to 2000 as the start of new millenium. I decided to quit fighting this a while ago, partly because this year-numbering concept was just some 14th-century monk's idea and he was probably off by four years anyway, but mostly because if I want to be kicked in the head, I'll just visit home. (It's only jokes, M&D.)

I move now to the grammar of House Majority Leader "Dick" Armey (R-TX). To anyone who thinks I'm taking this grammar thing into obsessive-compulsive territory I say, "I wash my hands of you. Again." (rimshot)

A couple weeks ago, Armey said, "If it were me that had documented personal conduct along the lines of the president's, I would be so filled with shame that I would resign." There are at least two grammatical errors in his statement. Please choose a corrected statement from the list below:

• A. "If it were I who fabricated an entire story about Charlie, a janitor in Wooten Hall at the University of North Texas who purportedly lost his job because of a minimum wage increase, I would be so filled with shame...."

  [Textual notes: No one who worked at Wooten Hall the same time as Armey remembers a janitor named Charlie, housekeepers at UNT have always made more than minimum wage, and the university has no record of layoffs due to wage pressures. On a positive note, the story won a 1995 Pulitzer in the "Even Less True than Reagan's Welfare Queen Story" category.]

• B. "If it were I who called a Massachusetts Congressman `Barney Fag,' I would be so filled with shame...."

  [Textual note: In his public apology to the openly gay Barney Frank (D-MA), Armey did *not* say "It was a slipped him the tongue."]

• C. "If it were I who gained the title "House Majority Leader" because I consist of the majority of weight in the House of Representatives, I would be so filled with shame...."

• D. "If exotic, bizarre animals were found in the my office at all hours of the night, I would be filled with excitement. Especially if it were emu's."