I was having a hard time coming up with a topic this week. Several ideas were floating around in my head, but no matter how much I concentrated, I couldn't get them firmed up. Then, as it has for innumerable men in the last month, Viagra came to the rescue. Viagra, for those of you who live in caves, has been described in hundreds of news reports as "the new impotence pill," although those of us who are particular about the language might suggest that a better marketing strategy would be to call it "the new anti-impotence pill."

The name "Viagra," as you've probably heard, comes from the words "vigor" and "Niagara." Less well-known is the fact that Viagra was not the company's first choice. Pfizer (The Pfortunate Pfarmaceutical Company with the Pfunny Name) wanted to call the drug "YouDaMan!" but their lawyers rejected this idea when they realized that the phrase has already been copyrighted by spectators at Professional Golf Association tournaments. For those of you with sufficiently active lives so as not to watch golf on TV, "YouDaMan!" is what the spectators shout shortly after each golfer tees off, unless it's disabled golfer Casey Martin, in which case they shout "YouDaNambyPambyProbableCommunistOneLeggedCrybabyBoy!" A charitable lot, golf spectators are not. Those of you who think I'm going to take this opportunity to make a Viagra-related reference to the other favorite phrase of golf spectators, the one they shout at the ball when it's on the green and rolling toward the cup, have forgotten that one of MWC's alert readers is named "my Mom."

The Viagra marketing effort has been wildly successful. Pfizer's movie studio division has worked seamlessly with its pharmaceuticals division, producing the movies As Good As It Gets, in which 60-something Jack Nicholson gets together with 30-something Helen Hunt, and The Horse Whisperer, in which 60-something Robert Redford is paired with 30-something Kristin Scott Thomas. Pfizer's stock price has soared as Viagra sales have shot through the roof quicker than a gusher through a boom-era Texas oil derrick. 150 million prescriptions have already been written in the United States alone.

[See, I can make up a number like that because statistics show that people know even less about numbers than they do about words. In fact, overwhelming evidence suggests that you, and here I'm talking to you, personally, are the only reader who realized that the number 150 million is ridiculously high. That would mean one prescription for every American man, or, after accounting for the prescriptions of members of Congress, one for every ten American men. So congratulations for figuring that out. Although you'd be more impressive if your lips didn't move while you read this.]

Speaking of members of Congress, we heard recently that former Senator Bob Dole was one of the first people helped by Viagra, due to his participation it its clinical trials a couple years ago. "A great drug" is an actual quote from Sen. Dole from his appearance on the Larry King Live program, which casts a new light on Dole's pledge in early November 1996 to "stay up for the last 72 hours of the presidential campaign." Elizabeth Dole was later quoted as saying, "A great drug." I'm going to be honest here. The level of information we're getting is starting to make me uncomfortable. Mrs. Dole is rumored to be a possible Republican presidential candidate in 2000 (or as your computer refers to it, 1900), and I think the last thing this country needs is such lewd and graphic descriptions of the sex lives of White House residents.

Speaking of Larry King, I was watching TV one night this weekend (for a change) and Larry was on yet again, this time with some people named Steve Lawrence, Vic Damone, and Paul Anka. It was obvious by looking at the guests that Larry was so taken by Sen. Dole's interview that he was doing a follow-up show with some sort of Viagra focus group. But as I listened further, it turned out these people also used to be famous. Each of them used to make something called "records," which generated music and apparently were quite popular with the people alive at the time, such as the Apostles.

While on the show, they also discussed the death of Frank Sinatra, who, according to a family spokesperson, "couldn't face life without Seinfeld." By the way, I'm not sure I understand all the fuss over Sinatra's death. As I understand it, he was a good singer, an average actor, and, in addition to being the underboss of the Gambino crime family, basically a jerk, right? I realize it's been a slow news week--it's not like the world got a new nuclear power or the 4th-most-populous country is in political and economic meltdown--but Sinatra's getting more attention than Princess Diana did. I mean, Mother Teresa should feel lucky she didn't die this week.

The secondary debate about Viagra is already beginning. Some people, like Gloria Steinem, are upset that many health insurers are covering Viagra prescriptions at $10 a pill when they won't pay for oral contraceptives, other forms of birth control, or abortions. The MWC staff is not clear on what Steinem expected. The health insurance industry is run by upper- and upper-middle-class, middle-aged men. Viagra is primarily used by (surprise!) upper- and upper-middle-class, middle-aged men. Subsidized oral contraceptives would benefit young women and help lower the rate of unwanted pregnancies. Why, the next thing you know, Steinem will be advocating sex education in the schools, when it's obvious that teenage girls are already learning everything they always wanted to know (but were afraid to ask) from the helpful 24-year-old men who live in their neighborhoods. The industry's response, and I am not necessarily quoting Travelers Group CEO Sanford Weill here, has been, "If Ms. Steinem wanted to be the beneficiary of a medical advancement that's covered by insurers, I guess she shouldn't have been a woman."

True news item: (AP) CAIRO, Egypt (May 18, 1998 07:14 a.m. EDT) "Egyptian police and health ministry officials are raiding drug stores to confiscate illegally imported bottles of the impotence drug Viagra, an official said Monday."

Why is this relevant? Well if you've watched anything but CNN (motto: All Frank, All the Time) this weekend, you might have heard that there's a wee bit of trouble in Indonesia. President Suharto returned from Egypt with his black market prescription of Viagra to find rioting over his plans to use it to help him father more children. Experts note that the ongoing Indonesian economic crisis results from the fact that every major Indonesian industry has been run into the ground by one of Suharto's children, and the people are terrified of the possibility of more. The crisis is marked by the precipitous drop in the Indonesian currency, with the rupiah worth, at the close of business today, absolutely nothing.

In an unrelated story, Nike CEO Phil Knight announced that, effective immediately, Nike will pay its Indonesian workers 1 billion rupiah per hour.