Well, the election is over and there are some surprising results. The White House did better than expected as the final phase of Hillary Clinton's four-year "Lewinsky Plan" fell into place. "Segment Four: Backlash" led to unpredicted Democratic gains in the House of Representatives and the ouster of Newt Gingrich. As we all know, the former Speaker of the House stepped down from his position when the surprising election result was revealed that the people of Minnesota had elected him governor.

[Seriously, we have to admit that we are a little disappointed. Not about Gingrich. About the thwarting of our mildly amusing plans of how to begin this issue. We were going to start with the fanciful tale of how, in a surprising election result, former pro wrestler Jesse "The Governing Body" Ventura defeated Minnesota political heavyweights Herbert "The Vacuum" Hoover and Fritz "Walter" Mondale. We guess the people of Minnesota just have a better sense of humor than we do.]

Governor-elect Ventura, who would henceforth like to be known as Jesse "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste" Ventura, was swept into office on the basis of his common sense ideas. For example, candidate Ventura struck a chord in voters with his strong support of NASA's Send Senators Into Space program, and he gained even more popularity with his outspoken criticism of NASA's Bring Senators Back Home From Space program.

We shouldn't really joke about space travel, which is not without its perils. Alert readers who are also avid TV watchers will recall seeing a door come loose and fall during the space shuttle Discovery's launch a few weeks ago. The door, easy to see because it was located in the spot shadow of CNN's broadcast coverage, caused concern when it struck a booster rocket just as the shuttle was taking off. NASA blamed the problem on a technical glitch involving "the fact that Senator Glenn had shut his seat belt in the door." In addition to accomplishing its mission goal (To Do Some Really Excellent Sightseeing), Discovery performed serious science and set at least one endurance mark: While John "Only The Fourteenth-Oldest Senator" Glenn was in the pilot seat, the space shuttle traveled a record 36,500,000 miles (58.7 kilograms) with its left-hand turn signal on (rimshot).

Back in Minnesota, exit polls indicated that Governor-To-Be "Bath and Body Works" Ventura received strong support for his campaign promise to give NBA commissioner David "Woodsy Owl" Stern the "Atomic Elbow Drop." A frustrated Stern flew to Miami over the weekend, where he and Miami Heat owner Micky Arison attempted to stimulate labor talks by, as you saw on Headline News, setting fire to the unfinished American Airlines Arena. Arison, whose name can almost too obviously be rearranged to spell "I Arson," said the following actual quote in response to the weekend's events: "It's been a great year--lots of fires and no injuries." Arison is also the owner of the Carnival cruise ship Ecstasy, which you might remember from such incidents as "Kathie Lee and the Flamethrower," first reported on in Issue 14.

For those of you who hadn't noticed, the NBA season has not yet begun due to an ongoing labor dispute. The owners started the lockout in an attempt to get a bigger slice of the revenue pie, but most state legislatures are against this because 83% of the nation's unpaid child support is owed to the illegitimate children of NBA players. Other than that, the dispute has had little effect on the American social fabric, leading only to a series of reasonably amusing Nike commercials starring Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee. The feud is referred to as "Fans Held Hostage: Day 142" by sportswriters in a feeble and transparent effort to justify their essentially meaningless existences, and it's referred to as "What? The NBA season was supposed to start already?" by everyone else.

In the meantime, literacy, productivity, family harmony, and college basketball ticket sales are at all-time highs. It's another case of life imitating art, where by "art" we mean the episode of The Simpsons in which Itchy and Scratchy play nice with each other ("They love. And Share. They love and love and share. Love love love! Share share share! The Itchy and Scratchy Show!"). In fact, the only downside seems to be the toll the lockout is taking on the hourlong edition of ESPN's SportsCenter, which has been reduced to opening its show with such ludicrous and obviously false stories as "In Las Vegas last night, Dennis Rodman got loaded and was duped into marrying former Baywatch star and flotation device Carmen Electra."

Prospective Governor "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" Ventura is especially eager to get the season started, since the entire state budget of Minnesota is paid for by the income tax on the salary of 14-year old Minnesota Timberwolves superstar Kevin Garnett. Only days after the election, Ventura is already laying the groundwork for a national campaign, as he promised to take Chicago Bulls and White Sox owner Jerry "The Second-Most-Hated Jerry in Chicago" Reinsdorf and, in another phrase that sounds dirty but isn't, "piledrive him into the turnbuckle." The State of Illinois immediately promised Ventura its 22 electoral votes in the 2000 election.

Elsewhere on the national scene, Ventura's influence was felt when he and President "Legally Accurate" Clinton joined forces in Newport, Maine to defeat a local ballot measure that would have forbidden (this is true) topless lawn mowing. The proposed ordinance came about after the neighbor of Shirley Davis observed Davis' daughter Desiree mowing the lawn without a shirt. In a surprising election result, the referendum was defeated by a count of 14,775 to 283 in this hamlet of 3,000 people, although some supporters of the measure argued that President Clinton is not registered to vote in Newport. Certainly not multiple times in each precinct.

We close with this week's discussion topic. Monica Lewinsky got an $850,000 book deal two days after the Paula Jones case was settled for $850,000. If Mrs. "I'm With Stupid ==>" Clinton isn't orchestrating these events, how come you can hear her talking to Monica in the background of the Tripp-Lewinsky tapes?